The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 7 of the SEC

A week sans mistakes, consider yourselves spared from the behind the scenes work that is the Lazy Fan’s Guide. You saw how complicated it was though and now the bloom is off the rose. Not the Rose, though that’s delicious and don’t let anyone tell you different! Tequila Rose? Never turn down a free shot.

I hope you have all recovered from your week sans Mizzou football and found other things to do. Things I learned on Saturday, buying a hat is more complicated than it has to be and people will take their kids to Ikea with no shopping agenda to kill time. I guess it’s better than TV or blowing up frogs. Then again, Ikea is happy enough to showcase food on the outside of their catalog.

Anyway, this weekend is the third in October and you know what that means right? We’ve got a rivalry game on our schedule that only one school will acknowledge. Kind of like anyone Maryland plays in Basketball. It takes two to tango Terps!

To the records!

Two weeks in a row and one of your pickers was perfect and now they’re season records are all tied up and showing progress. Just took a little time to get started, kind of like riding a unicycle. Sure it’s hard at first but after you fall down for two weeks you go buy a bicycle. All props to kristina your week 6 champion of prognosticating. Come to her for all your prescient needs. Looking below you’ll see we vary widely on our picks so this should be a good litmus test for gambling when there’s absolutely nothing on the line. And once again, to find out if picking your picks first is the key to victory.

To the games!

Well lookey what we have here a Friday night affair in Provo, Utah! State fans better stock up on full alcohol content beer because what they’ve got in Utah won’t cut it. And looking at how this season is going, I’m guessing they’re going to need the hard stuff to get through this weekend. And this game has the potential to do some weekend ruining!

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. Friday night games are fun, Mizzou had one against a college age Colin Kaepernik and Nevada which was good, and a evening in the desert against the Sun Devils where we learned Brock Osweiller is tall. So hey, go out, have dinner and come home and turn this game on because, yeah, that’s something you can do.

kristina: Hell, if we can beat BYU, why can’t State? Moar cowbell. Not sure what else is on tv this Friday night, either way, I’ll be busy with probably far too much wine to care. Hell, let’s be honest. That “probably” isn’t necessary.

Chris: In this political season I will recall the incoherent blathering nonsense of former president Bush II, “Fool me once, shame on…shame on… me, fool me…you can’t get fooled again!” I took State last week to not only beat Auburn but to not look foolish doing so, I was wrong. And I hate being duped, just like Harry Carey. BYU harness the power of your former QBs and destroy Dan Mullen and his boys on a Friday.

So Vandy’s offense outside of Webb apparently does nothing, but hey, their defense is really good. Huh, wish I could say that about our team. Too soon? Did the bye run all over us as well? Mason said they’re trying to find the magic elixir to help their season. I mean if you want to get your team all hyped up on absinthe, that’s certainly one way to go about things. You’re only dead last in the SEC currently for total yardage, why not try something fun? (Uh, I mean, we have no clue if absinthe is fun [Chris’ Note - It certainly is!])

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. If Vandy can’t beat Kentucky, this, on not literal paper doesn’t seem like it’ll be close. It’s noon, get outside and enjoy the sun or start your day drinking. Remember kids, have to start early if you’re going to drink all day.

kristina: I’m with ex-HHKB here, spell stuff correctly, all you SEC fans. It’s Go, not Geaux or whatever. Thanks to Georgia for winning last Sunday and giving me the perfect week. Clearly, I need to pick first every time.

Chris: Vanderbilt do you even football? ‘Cause what I’m seeing isn’t real football. Though to be fair, at least they’ve looked competent against non directional schools…However, my money (and by my money I mean yours) is on a Georgia team that has got it rolling after their Sunday afternoon affair against South Carolina. What a nice salve for your typical Sunday NFL horror show. Good on you Georgia and SC for managing to reschedule your postponed football game without looking childish! Go dogs (I refuse to use the spelling of their choice).

Another week, another Tennessee game sitting on CBS in the mid afternoon. I look back and just wish that App State had recovered that fumble back in Week 1 and we may be spared this nightmare that has become the Tennessee reality. And that reality is of a fan base that have found success and are acting like most noveau riche fan bases…unbearable! I do hope the worst happens and they lose the East because LSU and Florida never make up their game in the ultimate troll jobs of all time. You know if Spurrier were still coaching at UF, this would be a very real possibility.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 1. Great game, seriously great game. Watch it, it will be good and have fun picking which team to pull for because they’re both insufferable. Wherever you live, send your kids to the most complicated corn maze you can find and then enter them in a pumpkin carving contest to kill time.

kristina: Oooh, sweet, we get to watch Tennessee get owned, since I can’t use our favorite hashtag ‘cause Chris beat me to the punch. (Which means it was probably spiked with crappy California champagne.) Saban owns October. (Hell, most of the fall.) Least it’s actually the third Saturday.

Chris: THIRD. SATURDAY. IN. OCTOBER. Should be a holiday. Now, before 2012 I had no idea what this was and yet, with the knowledge of it, still, don’t care. Nick Saban does not suffer contenders to his throne well and he’ll be damned if he’s going to have Butch Jones attempt to usurp him on national television! The Dark Lord of the SEC won’t stand for that. Expect for Saban to sacrifice a gray shirt at his alter of Houndstooth in anticipation of this game, and then watch as Tennessee randomly punts on third down and can’t seem to focus on getting a challenge flag out there.

It’s Mizzou! Now that we’ve had a good two weeks to put what happened in Death Valley aside, and shall we never speak of that again, we head to the Swamp. Florida’s starting QB returns, which is a shame as the backup clearly has the more SEC name. Maybe it’ll be a huge game for Black as he’s having 30 or so family & friends there. Remember the last time we played on Florida’s homecoming? That was fun. Murphy running the kickoff for a TD was always a thing of beauty.

Scale of Watchability: Well, it’s Mizzou so kind of a default SEC Defcon 1. At least the beginning. If things derail early on, find that nice, hopefully not too cheap, tequila and have at it. ‘Cause nothing ends well with crappy tequila.

kristina: My counterpart says he loves Mizzou, but is he picking them against common sense? No. That would be me. One day I’ll learn, and today is clearly not that day. Stingy moochers are the worst. We’re going to run the damn touchdown play! Or the kickoff return for a TD play. Uh, when was the last time we ran that one?

Chris: I love Mizzou, and think in time they’ll be good again. Think Odom and Cross have a good thing going for them, but it’s still a year away at least and we’re not getting out of Florida with a win. Think of this year for the Mizzou Coaching staff as Year 1 or Year 0 until they win the National Championship because apparently that’s what we’re doing now. I think the game will be close but Florida is just too stingy, kind of like a friend of mine who will never buy a drink for anyone because what the hell? Seriously though, this game is going to end 12-9 with no TDs scored. Field Goals for all!

What a nice little way to end your SEC Saturday (what comes next barely counts). Two ranked teams, Fayetteville Arkansas, under the lights, who wants in?! Really this game is like the can of Red Bull you crush after you’ve induced a turkey coma that is the Mizzou-Florida game. It’s a jolt of crazy offense energy, it’s going to color tv from radio, from Atari to NES, from Kansas to Oz. You get the idea…

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 2. I mean it’s a good game, but it’s two SEC West teams playing and Wisconsin and Ohio State is also on and that’s more bang for your buck. You get a real Big 10 game instead of the charade that Bielema puts on every weekend. That’s right CHA-RADE!

kristina: Wait, we’re suppose to watch the Big 10? NEVER. I’ll take Ole Miss and their silly standpoints on condiments. Nothing wrong with Atari, invisible tanks in Combat are the best.

Chris: Arkansas, it’s a home game and Chad Kelly hasn’t gone bananas at any point yet but it’s coming. And Arkansas is the kind of team that can make you just lose your brain for a second. To be honest I’ve barely seen either team play and this just feels right…trust your feelings, it’s what Yoda said and when was he wrong about ANYTHING?

Oh goody, talking about LSU. Seriously, find an article that doesn’t mention how well LSU played a couple weeks ago, and shouldn’t have an issue with Southern Miss. Can’t we talk about the happier times? Beating #1 Oklahoma, the regular season of the 2011-12 basketball team, a particular NLDS game five a few years ago? Anything? Drink anytime you hear Guice’s name.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 5. Do you really want to watch LSU play already, not to mention this shouldn’t be a close game. And, then, if it is, you’d just feel even worse ‘cause ours wasn’t. Not to mention if Mizzou loses, do you really care?

kristina: Not sure how you don’t go LSU here, as much as I hate to say it. And yup, poor (big) kitty.

Chris: LSU. This game is for Mike. Rest in Peace Big Cat.

This week’s final picks to wager your mortgage your home on:

There you have it. Go spend your winnings wisely and when you do and you buy something completely ridiculous at 3:00 AM because of too much Parrot Bay (like a RonCO food dehydrator) think of us. All the as seen on TV items! Hey, bacon bowls are pretty tasty, well, maybe not after too much Parrot Bay though. Pick a better drink, kids.