The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 9 in the SEC

As the calendar turns to November and Fall fully grabs hold of you by the soon to be scarfed (or snooded) necks, we as SEC fans are thrust into the part of the season when we look to other conferences and yearn for their more consistent scheduling. The noncon is banged out in September and the conference season finishes out the year. Unfortunately for us in the SEC we get treated to late October games that include directional colleges and what sound like small liberal arts colleges that may or may not have just started playing football.

So this weekend, well the games they are not interesting. Two non conference games and then just a bunch of dross. OH THE DROSS! Luckily (for some) college basketball season officially has kicked off so their sporting minds will switch to happier times and games. And for others, well there’s always the NHL and the NBA. Maybe this is why bears hibernate…though hockey is way better than pro basketball. I just can’t get into the NBA. College, sure. Oh well. Go Tribe.

To the records!

Well…kristina appears to be swooning. She had it and now it appears to be gone, for now. But as all gamblers know, another hotstreak is just around the corner. So I’d put money on her, well not my money, it’s locked up in frozen concentrated orange juice, but not yours. So give one or both of us a shot! Not crap tequila though. Maybe that might help my picks though.

To the games!

Well our first game is probably the one we’re all interested in. Mizzou looks to get back to good after having just the sh*ttiest game ever against a team whose college town was featured on Bar Rescue. How far have we fallen…

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 3. I know it’s Mizzou and it’s the morning, but it’s Mizzou and it’s the morning. Watch it cause we’re Tigers but if you do have other options, well no one’s going to give you a hard time about it.

kristina: I want Mizzou to win, I do. But after not even watching last week’s game due to the tweets and what have you, I’ll give it a go but just not feeling it. Um, no more blown knee ligaments and penalties, guys. Pretty please?

Chris: Color me crazy, but I think Mizzou’s got a shot. Kentucky isn’t good and last week was so thoroughly embarrassing that I’m betting that the Tigers take out all their angst and rage on the Wildcats. Mizzou wins, and wins ugly, so U-G-L-Y, they aint’ got no alibi. This game also gets Bob Stopps fired, book it!

WLOCP! Despite “officials” never-ending attempts to change this rivalry, that’s what it’s known as. River City Showdown? Boring. And an unpredictable one at that, which could help the literal underdog here. (Get it, UGA’s not supposed to win. Yeah, this is why we stick to our day jobs, people.)

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 3. Mizzou fans might, as usual, be drowning their sorrows in their own cocktail mess, and at least for those of us in flyover country, it’s warm and nice and you should be outside as well.

kristina: What fan base has the biggest drinkers? Florida. I’m not picking well enough this year to go for a big upset despite the history.

Chris: It’s the world’s largest cocktail party! Can you believe that? It’s already here! These two fan bases aren’t the biggest drinkers, but the reality is when you have to spend the weekend in Jacksonville, well you better have your bourbon at the ready! It’s a sort of home game for the Gators and they’ll get the win in another boring affair. My apologies to CBS, this is the best the SEC can do…

Let’s be straight up. This game is garbage. Hot stinky garbage. Now State isn’t so bad that they’ll lose this game, but this is not worth your time or effort. Sometimes the SEC is a giant pain in the ass and this game and the game further down the docket are reasons 1 and 2.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 5. Don’t watch this game unless it’s your job or your being held hostage and this is the kidnapper’s version of torture.

kristina: Both teams are bulldogs? Boring. Moar Cowbell I guess. I mean, if we’re upset Mizzou lost and not even going to watch Georgia/Florida, why would we want to watch this?

Chris: I mean, why is this even happening? How does this game happen on October 29^th? Gary Pinkel, unretire your ass and help the scheduling in the SEC. If we have to have non conference games in the middle of Fall then at least make it something appealing, at least on paper! But take State and let’s just move on from this nightmare.

Well, whether Mizzou lost and you’re over it by now, or after a win, you want more football, Auburn heads over to Oxford for a little evening affair. Jealous, this football at eleven thing is just too damn early. Especially when one, see lazy, wasn’t on their game and has nothing for booze (mmm mimosas) on hand. Thank you, Auburn, for beating Arky though.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 2. Might be a good game, if you’re into that baseball thing, that hasn’t started yet so what’d else would you be watching?

kristina: Stupid chickens, their reputation precedes them. Who lays an egg on a damn driveway?!? War eagle tiger dragon fish sounds like something from last season’s Gotham. Weird little show. (And that’s coming from someone who watches American Horror Story.) Anyway, Auburn. Sorry, Ole Miss, you’ve helped ruin my record one times too many.

Chris: If you had told me at the start of the season Auburn would be ranked, Ole Miss wouldn’t and I’d have bought three new pairs of shoes in the past two weeks I’d call you a liar. A big fat liar! Anyway, Gus Malzhan isn’t getting fired, the chickens could be coming home to roost in Oxford, and my Vans, Lacostes and Cole Haans are quite fetching and comfortable! Take Auburn and you know, war eagle tiger dragon fish!

The Tennessee victory tour continues as they march towards the destiny that is Atlanta and the Georgia Dome. Their coronation will be sweet, sweet tea in the mouths and throats of Vol Nation. Total aside, let’s all stop using “Blank Nation” it’s dumb, like good.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. This game doesn’t look all that good on paper, but the way Tennessee has been playing you can bet it will take some sort of miracle to solidify this game and well, dramatics can be fun when it’s some other team.

kristina: I’d take a twisted ankle over blown knee ligaments. Too soon? This is the part of the morning where I’m glad I have a written copy of who I picked ‘cause clearly the coffee isn’t kicking in yet. Tennessee. But this is all to get their hopes up for even better tears in the end.

Chris: Tennessee will win, but in the process the entire team will get hurt, as will the coaching staff, the AD , the fans in the stands and at home. You get a twisted ankle, and you get a twisted ankle and you get a twisted ankle! All that being said, UT wins and wins by 1 as they kick a 60 yard field goal that bounces off Steve Spurrier’s visor and bangs off the uprights 17 teams before falling on the crossbar and over.

All the Aggies! Could be entertaining on the broadcast just for that part. This reminds me of the South Park football episode where the goal is just beat the spread, which at time of publishing this was around 43. I mean, if you’re going to get creamed, earning $1.5 million to do so isn’t the worst thing in the world. Money game!

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. It shouldn’t be close, it’s the evening, find something better for your time.

kristina: A&M. I like how my RMN other half is taking the Aggies. That’s cheating. (Kind of?) Ah, good ole’ College Station. (Not like my actual other half went down there for a wedding and got a tad bit drunk when he was to be “on call” for a preterm delivery of his kids or anything. Nope!) Then again, the groom-to-be was a hundred times worse over. Oh well.

Chris: Here’s another patented barn burner for your Saturday evening! A&M and New Mexico State! Consider us all very lucky the World Series is happening. Take the Aggies and know that the Sumlin era will continue unabated for at least another few months until the fans want him fired again because you know, SEC and all.

This week’s final picks to wager your mortgage your home on:

And that will do it for this week. Come back next week for more spills, thrills and pills…to deal with that bourbon hangover once and for all.