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The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 6 of the SEC

Mizzou’s on a Bye, let’s enjoy this all dispassionately!


And we’re back….again, though hopefully this time fully cognizant of what we’re doing and fully on board. Kids, don’t kickball, fall and post. All sorts of weird things can happen. Just know when we post half finished articles at midnight eastern, we do it for you. Thanks to our eagle eyed readers who noticed things were a tad askew when originally posted, INSERT HERE. Anyway, last week as predicted was not the most interesting, aside from whatever it is Tennessee is doing to their fans. First, they torture them by being really crappy for years, then they get decent (I still am not convinced they’re that good, HOT TAKE), and decide that winning at the last possible second, causing their fans to freak out for 59 (football) minutes is their new method of torture. One fun thing about what Tennessee is doing is that Butch Jones will pop a blood vessel at some point on the sideline this season and it’s going to be amazing to watch. This Saturday could be the day… This week’s games, unlike last week, are better in the SEC than what that national landscape provides, which really is kind of meh, and just in time for the MLB playoffs. I assume everyone here is rooting against the Cubs? Got it, understood. Also, there's no Mizzou game to distract you from your Saturday enjoyment, which means your day is free from, as The Men in Blazers would say, "Sad Naps." The thing that typically happens after Mizzou blows a game against a Power 5 team. Though to be fair, "BYE" probably would roll up 100 yards on the defense at this point, so if you have to pick, take the bye.

To the records!

Picker Last Week's Reord Overall Season Record
kristina 6 wins, 2 losses 19 wins, 11 losses
Chris 8 wins, 0 losses 20 wins, 10 losses

That is how you pick games people! Unemotional and full of anger at crap games! Really there were no upsets this past week so it wasn’t that complicated I guess. But seriously, for one week I am the best. (Editor’s note: He didn’t pick Mizzou, that at least costs him a few points somewhere, and how can you be full of anger and unemotional at the same time?)

To the games!

Home Team Away Team Location Time Network Watch Online
#18 Florida LSU Gainesville, FLA, THE SWAMP 11:00 AM ESPN WatchESPN

It's a mid day game in the Swamp (which may or may not be played) and the Gator faithful will be wiping the sleep from their eyes, the gel from their hair and hangover from their brains. Does this affect just the fans? The Ol' Ball Coach isn't there to pour out that recovery beer for you from the communal keg. Also, no Leonard Fournette, not that that may matter. Game could be whatever the opposite of a barn burner, a barn heating. Two Defenses that will make this a Big 10 Lite game.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. This game, this is not good. It’s going to be a special kind of boring, but hey it's football on a Saturday morning, so dig in and hope for something interesting, anything.

kristina: Poor ex-HHKB, all this work for nothing. I’m picking the hurricane!

Chris: LSU looked wildly competent on Saturday night against Mizzou, less so on the road at Auburn the week before. Is this more a question of Mizzou being bad, and LSU finding their stride or LSU being mediocre and Mizzou still being bad. In any case, give me the Gators and I feel this game will be miserable to be a part of, for the fans there, the fans at home and those that mistakenly got invited to this game, bought plane tickets and are now stuck this weekend in Gainesville.

Home Team Away Team Location Time Network Watch Online
Mississippi State Auburn STARKVEGAS, MS 11:00 AM SEC Network WatchESPN

The Auburn version of tigers finally head on the road to good ol’ Stark Vegas. Seriously, who starts the season with five home games. The actual Vegas people have Auburn by about 2.5, so should be a close one, unlike the Mizzou game last week. Too soon? Basketball season starts soon right? Hockey?

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 3. It should be a close game, but it’s early and early October Saturdays should be spent outside, especially if your team is on a bye. Well, unless you live in Florida.

kristina: I finally made my picks first! Where’s my damn participation ribbon? Auburn. It is boring when we have the same picks, and going second is killing my record, so this week turns it around! (or not) Maybe not such a great decision before realizing it’s their first road game. Whoops. More cowbell!

Chris: Color me crazy, but I'm thinking Clanga Clanga is gonna get this win. Not a big win, but they won't embarrass themselves as they have almost every other week this season. Really, this is just so that kristina and I don't have the same picks because that's BO-RING!

Home Team Away Team Location Time Network Watch Online
#8 Texas A&M #9 Tennessee College Station, TX, the House the Bowtie Built 2:30 PM CBS CBS Video

Well, well, well look who's back on CBS as the game of the week...AGAIN. Listen Tennessee is good, no question about that, but are they this good? We'll find out today, in the Gary Danielson/Verne Lundquist mouth barf of the mid day!

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 1. I mean, it’s a good looking game. Two top 10 teams who are playing winning football in a jam packed house that's gonna be rocking. I'd say you can effectively block off those three and half hours and ignore everything around you. Outside of fire, keep your ass in your chair and strap in.

kristina: A&M, ‘cause we need the return of #voluntears. I’m not really a fan of either the Vols or Georgia, but in part as a friend is a huge Georgia fan, well, he wasn’t a particularly happy camper with last week’s ending, so no more of that for Tennessee.

Chris: A&M, Aggies, hello, it's Chris. I'm speaking directly to you. You. Must. Beat. The. Vols. I don't think I'm ready to live in a world where Tennessee is a top 10 team who beat another top 10 team on CBS in the afternoon. I just can't. So do this for me and I'll send you a fruit basket, one of those edible arrangements that you have to eat all of because it won't fit in your fridge. Aggies, Collies, Yell Leaders, whoever, get it done.

Home Team Away Team Location Time Network Watch Online
Kentucky Vanderbilt Lexington, KY, Juddville USA 3:00 PM SEC Network Watch ESPN

Cleary no one is that excited about this game, Kentucky’s running a flash sale to sell more lower bowl seats. Apparently the two teams have a lot in common, both starting QBs might not start or something like that, their linebackers are 1st and 2nd in the SEC for tackles. Remember those days when that was kind of our deal? They stole our DLINE!

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 5. I mean, sharknado 3 is probably a better use of your time.

kristina: My first answer as to who to pick here was the meteor, but that was shot down, so Kentucky it is. Clearly the fanbase is all about the squeaky hoops.

Chris: Vanderbilt has to go on the road to Kentucky, just across the state according to, you know, maps. And this game is just odious. If you're watching this game, I assume you're trapped at the game and are being held against your will. I think Kentucky does just enough and wins a veritable shootout 3-2.

Home Team Away Team Location Time Network Watch Online
#16 Arkansas #1 Alabama Fayettville, AR, where Mike Anderson may or may not retire 6:00 PM ESPN WatchESPN

It's the night game of the week and a decently sized test for the Crimson Tide! I'm a little excited, well excited for the viewers. Very sorry that Alabama and Alabamans have to go to Arkansas, which as I pointed out last week stinks. The SEC West could get a big jolt if Arkansas finds something in itself, something that seemed to have lost two weeks ago against the Aggies.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1. Again, we have a great game (on paper, where our games are played), with loads of potential. Perfect game to go out and get a bunch of drinks in you and make broad unsubstantiated statements about the state of college football to all those around you. JAGER BOMBS FOR EVERYONE!!!

kristina: ‘Bama. Is Chris not watching the second half ‘cause by then there will be too much booze or what’s going on here? Plain redbull is just silly. Red’s a good color. Stupid Giants.

Chris: Man this game is tasty, though I'll probably only watch the first half but hey, things happen. Anyway, this game will be one that old school SEC fans will love, not much throwing, not much scoring and programs in red beating up on each other. I don't see the upset happening though, the A&M defeat is still fresh in my brain, so take the Tide and make sure you don't stare at Saban directly in the eyes, you could wake up naked in a camper on your way to El Segundo having no idea where your night went.

Home Team Away Team Location Time Network Watch Online
South Carolina Georgia Columbia, SC The Imposter in the SEC 6:30 PM SEC Network WatchESPN

Well, another one may bite the dust, Mother Nature’s really having her way with things this weekend, as, at the time we’re writing this, so far this one’s still on, but it doesn’t seem like that’ll hold? Twitter’s useless on this as well, usually twitter at least has something decent to say.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. If it’s raining it might be a fun watch but you have the ‘Bama game going on for sure.

kristina: Georgia, so my friend isn’t ticked off at the world come Sunday kickball. Though he did kick a home run, so maybe he needs the frustration to accomplish that. Hmmmm. I’d be a hurricane storm chaser. Give me your job, Jim Cantore!

Chris: What a terrible game! Especially when you counter it against the Bama/Arkansas game. Though there is a chance this game doesn't happen because of some weather patter called Mathew, or Matt if you're buddies with him. Why are there no hurricane storm chasers, following the hurricanes in boats, boats that are armored up? Anyway, should this game be played, UGA is gonna win, long live the bulldogs and may your silly cockabooses be anchored down (VANDY REFERENCE).

This week’s final picks to wager your mortgage your home is on:

Picker Winners Losers
kristina Florida, Auburn, Texas A&M, Kentucky, Alabama and Georgia LSU, Mississippi State, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, South Carolina
Chris Florida, Mississippi State, Texas A&M, Kentucky, Alabama and Georgia LSU, Auburn, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, South Carolina

And that's the size of it! A smaller week, but that's okay, because the quality is on point. Enjoy the games, enjoy the MLB playoffs and enjoy each other. But let us not forgot, there probably won’t be an exciting game five this year.