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The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 12 in the SEC

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Terrible scheduling is back, someone help us

defcon

Oh crap, it’s back. And it’s worse than ever. We have a total TOTAL of four SEC conference games this week, the other six are more directional college paycheck mayhem. I mean, come on. And I know why you do this SEC, I have figured it out. It’s not because the conference is so tough and you don’t want people getting hurt, because you think you need a break, or because you think starting the conference season right away is somehow more interesting. No, this is because you know when the calendar turns to November people won’t go outside ‘cause it’s cold and unpleasant out there. So you stick games that people want to watch on television in the early season, when if faced with this weekend’s farce, people would go outside and enjoy the weather. I hate you SEC schedule people, hate you so much.

To the Records!

Picker Last Week's Record Season Long Record
Kristina 6 Wins, 8 Losses 59 Wins, 38 Losses
Chris 8 Wins, 6 Losses 67 Wins, 30 Losses

Well it was another week of regression to the mean and we did not fare as well as we have in the past few weeks. Apologies all around, here have some Beaujelois Nouveau on us, the worst tasting wine your friend who thinks they know wine will bestow upon you at Thanksgiving.

Let’s get to this nonsense and see what horrors this weekend holds.

To the Games!

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
Georgia Louisiana Lafayette 11:00 AM Athens, GA SEC Network WatchESPN

We start Saturday off with a barn burner! Georgia fresh off an impressive win over top 10 Auburn gets Louisiana Lafayette…I mean, I can’t even. Hopefully Jakeenan Gant gets to go to the game, see some family, maybe shoot 18 three pointers while in town.

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. This is putrid.

kristina: Georgia. Thanks a bunch, Auburn. You had one job!

Chris: Georgia, because, obviously. I mean what more can I say. This game is the equivalent of a second haircut because the first one had some missing pieces, just a chore!

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
#25 Texas A&M Texas San Antonio 11:00 AM College Station, TX ESPNU WatchESPN

Well, A&M decided to not play last week in the fourth quarter, apparently. Just go ahead and give up 23 points and blow the game. So they can feel better, they get UTSA who got crushed by Louisiana Tech. Why does it seem we never schedule a cupcake in the middle of November? (Uh, ‘cause right now there really isn’t a cupcake in terms of opponent?) Too soon? Hey, but basketball! Well, in regulation.

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. This is also putrid.

kristina: A&M. Although since you cost me last week, I am a-okay with an upset here.

Chris: The winner of this game gets to be crowned the winner of Texas for the week of November 19th. That winner is A&M, may they rule the state of Texas, and enjoy watching “Necessary Roughness” starring Mizzou alum Robert Loggia.

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
#16 LSU #23 Florida 12:00 PM Baton Rouge, LA SEC Network WatchESPN

This is it fans, this is the one game that will salvage the SEC Saturday. This game was postponed by Hurricane Mathew back in September and the #Hottakes that flowed were so on point and not at all stupid. College kids, never tweet, you just look dumb. Also, this game should be in Gainesville, what’s up with that?

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1. The highest possible of the Defcons, so do all your stuff in the morning so you can watch the ongoing job interview by Ed Orgeron.

kristina: Silly, HHKB, once it’s a gremlin, who cares? Don’t feed your mogwai after midnight, duh. Gremlins 2>>>>>>the original. I really, really wanted to pick Florida, but just for some disagreement, we’ll go LSU. Clearly, I haven’t learnt my lesson this year that Chris knows what he’s doing and should not pick against him.

Chris: It really feels like the SEC just wants to give the East to Tennessee you know. They’ll fall ass backwards into it because this game is not in Florida. But f that, I don’t like collusion, let’s take the Gators and all their problems to beat LSU and their one, purple and gold, it clashes. Also, Death Valley in the day time isn’t quite as intimidating as it is at night. It’s like a gremlin being fed in the day time vs one fed after midnight.

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
#19 Tennessee Mizzou 2:30 PM Knoxville, TN CBS CBS Video

Well, when you’re not in the midst of a title race, what better to then play the spoiler role and hurt the Vols chance at the SEC east? Then again, they win and get demolished by Alabama isn’t the worst thing ever either. All the #voluntears. And would someone explain to us now why hashtags are all over Facebook. Social media is, well...............what happens when you feed mogwais after midnight.

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1! It’s Mizzou! You know you’re going to watch it. Stock up on Tito’s just in case.

kristina: I’ll sacrifice, it’s okay. I don’t watch or DVR it, we won last week. So I guess I’ll be superstitious and try that route again. (And if that’s the case, well sucks for me, no basketball games either)

Chris: Mizzou is on CBS? Well then Mizzou is going to lose. We all know how this goes. But Mizzou beat Vandy, so maybe they can go into Knoxville and steal a win. Wouldn’t that be just the way of Mizzou…I do think UT wins though and their uniforms are ugly…SO UGLY.

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
South Carolina Western Carolina 3:00 PM Columbia, SC SEC Network WatchESPN

Hey, it’s another scheduling gem brought to you by people who hate good and interesting football matchups. It’s almost as if the conference is daring their casual fans to watch another conference’s games or take up another televised sport, like bass fishing. Funny story, Virginia Tech has only one national championship, ever, and it’s in bass fishing. Congrats Hokies, way to angle.

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 5. Oh this is nightmare fuel.

kristina: South Carolina. Fantasy bass fishing sounds like a huge pain. But it exists.

Chris: Well this is a tough one, you see on one hand you have South Carolina and then you have Western Carolina, so you know, which direction wins? I’ll take South Carolina, because of facts.

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
Kentucky Austin Peay 3:30 PM Lexington, KY SEC Network WatchESPN

So Kentucky looks to become bowl eligible (hey, we were like that once upon a time!) against a team that literally, hasn’t won a game. I mean, if there’s any hope for an upset, not like Austin Peay has anything to lose. Uh, well besides the game. Yes, folks, we’re here all week, try the veal and tip your servers. The funny statistical part is Kentucky is 0-9 over the last three seasons in bowl-eligible games. (We at the lazy fan’s guide have to mention statistics once in a while lest our overload make us wear Pumas for life.) Nobody wants that.

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. Really, you don’t need to watch this. It’s finally cold, go clean out the garage or something.

kristina: Another “I’ll pick the obvious choice but if an upset occurs it’d be funny as hell” option.

Chris: The hits just keep coming don’t they? This is what we are exposed to in the mid afternoon slot. Honestly, who cares? Take Kentucky and don’t trade Karl Anthony Towns if you have him in your fantasy basketball league.

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
Mississippi State Arkansas 6:00 PM Starkville, MS ESPNU WatchESPN

Well this is a sneaky interesting game to determine who finishes closer to Alabama in the SEC West. Last week Arkansas lost, and Mississippi State did more than lost, they got Bama’ed hard. I wonder if whichever school loses this game, their coach will be on the hot seat. Probably. Sorry losing team, maybe you can hire Jurgen.

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. It’s not crap, but it’s also not all that great. It’s like American Pie 2, good enough but you wouldn’t stop what you were doing and watch it on TNT for the 10th time…no sir, this is no Drumline.

kristina: I hate to bore anyone, but as usual, I’m not picking Arky. Moar cowbell! (That era of SNL was one of the best.) Uh, I kind of liked Drumline. I have horrible movie tastes, I suppose.

Chris: I’ll be honest, I just don’t know! I’m picking Mississippi State for geographical purposes but not for any other reason. Just once and Bert jump through a fake wall (or real wall) and scream OH YEAH!

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
#1 Alabama Chattanooga 6:00 PM Tuscaloosa, AL ESPN2 WatchESPN

Even Saban doesn’t want this game. Fun for the the Mocs, hey, why not wrap up the regular season against, oh, the best team in college football? Um, fire your scheduler. But we’ll assume it’s all about the money like it always is.

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. It shouldn’t be close. Some version of Under Siege has to be on, right? We’re all about the movie references this week. This is what happens when your writers/editors are unpaid and use booze as a replacement.

kristina: Alabama. Until they lose, we should just omit their games in our head-to-head, ‘cause really, it’s a mute point. Cue the discussion on the correct pronunciation of that word.

Chris: Alabama is gonna win and I’m not gonna watch. In fact, Bama I won’t watch until I get to see you stomp on Butch Jones’ little dreams of a title in December…good times!

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
#15 Auburn Alabama A&M 6:30 PM Auburn, AL SEC Network WatchESPN

Auburn, you lost last week, what’s that about. Good thing Alabama A&M is in town and are not good at sports of any kind. How is this game a thing? HOW IN THE NAME OF ROY KRAMER IS THIS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN ON THE THIRD WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER?!

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 5. Read a book, read the phone book, read a takeout menu. Do not give in and watch this game.

kristina: Auburn. Mmmm, sushi takeout. Just not from a gas station.

Chris: Auburn and wow, who cares.

Home Team Away Team Time Location TV Watch Online
Vanderbilt Ole Miss 7:00 PM Nashville, TN SEC Network WatchESPN

An SEC rivalry without a name? Impossible! After watching Mizzou take down Vandy and Ole Miss just run over A&M in the final quarter, don’t see how Ole Miss loses this one. But then again, we don’t know what we’re doing, we’re just not paid to ramble. It’s a win/win, somehow.

SEC Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. It could be a decent game, but do we care? Not entirely sure. Ask the magic eight-ball.

kristina: Uh, if we can beat Vandy, anyone can? Sorry folks. After watching just the regulation time between Xavier and us, I’m full on basketball mode. NOPE. Don’t care what happened in OT. So Ole Miss and their crazy opinions on condiments and Hot Toddys and whatever the hell else.

Chris: It appears as if Ole Miss has figured out what they’re going to do at Quarterback next year, so hey, good for you guys! I’ll miss Chad Kelly and his antics…have fun riding off into the sunset Kelly. And Vandy, I told you, you would lose. And you’re losing again this weekend!


And now, let us peer at the condensed version of everything above and see where we’re going with our picks this week.

Picker SEC Winners SEC Losers
kristina Georgia, Texas A&M, LSU, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi State, Alabama, Auburn, Ole Miss, South Carolina Florida, Mizzou, Arkansas, Vanderbilt
Chris Georgia, Texas A&M, Florida, Tennessee, South Carolina, Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi State, Auburn, Ole Miss LSU, Mizzou, Arkansas, Vanderbilt

Feel good about all that? Yeah, you do...enjoy the game or two that are tolerable this weekend in this conference. Go Tigers!