clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

SEC Power Rankings: Mizzou is bad

New, 3 comments

At this point, I’m not sure which team is closer to the extreme end of the spectrum: Alabama on the good side or Mizzou on the bad.

This isn’t your average, everyday bad football. This is ADVANCED bad football.
Jack Peglow

With just four weeks remaining in college football’s regular season, the once turbulent SEC has settled into three relatively well-defined tiers. At the tippy-top, we find Alabama violently and dominantly refusing to share their spacious accommodations with anyone else. Below them sit a group of talented teams that are quite good in their own right. Some are better than others, but all of them are good enough to compete with anyone outside of the very best in the nation.

And then, well, you have the rest. You can see them if you look further down. Way further. Down where the sunlight gets a little weak and everything has an odd smell about it. Down where the locals all speak a strange, crude dialogue. Rock Bottom. That’s where the rest of the SEC resides.

Hooray!

1. Alabama Crimson Tide - The Tide have looked more dominant than any other team in collegiate football. It would probably take some supernatural voodoo forces to best them, and- what’s that? They play who this weekend?

Ed Orgeron: witch doctor Jack Peglow

Oh.

Maybe bring a few good luck charms to Baton Rouge, Bama fans.

2. Texas A&M Aggies - The Aggies cracked the top four of the first College Football Playoff rankings not because the committee has some sort of bias against West Coast teams, but because they have an inordinate favoritism for shades of red. I mean, just look at the top 10:

Michigan and Washington are the only teams represented that don’t feature some variant of the color red, and the Wolverines made it up to No. 3 because Jim Harbaugh has spilled a lot of blood this season. Washington didn’t stand a chance.

3. Auburn Tigers - I still don’t think it’s fair that Auburn had to kill Les Miles to return to their winning ways, but that’s the thing about ritual sacrifice: it doesn’t pick favorites.

4. LSU Tigers - If they beat Alabama this weekend, I don’t see how LSU doesn’t hand Ed Orgeron the full-time head coaching position on a gold and purple platter. Fingers crossed. We are all better for having that wonderful man in our lives.

5. Florida Gators - After all that hubbub, it looks like Florida’s path to Atlanta was pretty straight forward after all. I love it when things take care of themselves.

6. Arkansas Razorbacks - [checks the calendar] I guess it’s about that time, Bert.

7. Kentucky Wildcats - I know you think it would be amazing and fun to win the SEC East, but trust me on this: being on the receiving end of an Alabama thwomping in Atlanta isn’t worth it. No one remembers you as the team that won the East. They remember you as the best of the bad teams in the SEC that got utterly embarrassed by the Tide in the championship game. Fold while you still have some chips in the game, Wildcats.

8. Ole Miss Rebels - Hey, uh, Rebels - you know that you have to score just as much as your opponent if you’re going to make your game into a shootout, right?

9. Tennessee Volunteers - Lmao.

10. Vanderbilt Commodores - I think we mistook Vandy for a sinking ship earlier this season when the ‘Dores were actually a submarine. Bunch’a nerds.

11. Georgia Bulldogs - Kirby Smart is what happens when people keep trying to make copies of something. Eventually, the machine runs out of ink.

12. South Carolina Gamecocks - Will Muschamp doesn’t know much, but damnit does he know how to beat Tennessee.

13. Mississippi St. Bulldogs - Nice of you to allow Samford to pad their stats against your defense, Bulldogs. Very sportsmanlike.

14. Missouri Tigers - After making the fans believe the team could reach new heights this season, Barry Odom and company have instead plummeted to new, disastrous lows. Mizzou is bad. That’s really all there is to it.

SadTruman
Hello darkness, my old friend.
Jack Peglow