The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 13 in the SEC

Well friends, it had to come to this, there had to be an end to the SEC season and here we are. We already have the Championship Game setup for next weekend, with Florida being the sacrificial lamb from the SEC East to the steamroller that is Alabama who just won’t lose and really hasn’t been all that tested.

That said there are still some teams fighting for better bowls, or bowl eligibility itself, Mizzou not included. So we have some fun games to go through. Also, it’s rivalry week, whether you think the team across from you is your rival matters not, there are trophies on the line and bragging rights until basketball season when you will play again.

To the Records!

Chris continues to do well, kristina continues to do ok. And ok is better than crappy. So get off her case, she’s on no sleep, has a predator problem, and the DVR trick isn’t working anymore, so cut her a little slack. (Editor’s note: “ok” is not a word, okay?)

This week as we’re picking games, we’re doing away with our watchability rating, because as the Thanksgiving holiday is upon us, we’ve rated games by their food rating. Good foods = good games, crap games = crap food (like that potato prune thing my mother came up with a few years ago, yeesh!) So, sit back, let the games envelope you, ignore the side of your family that is an embarrassment (unless that’s you) and dig in to the feast that is this week’s post. Oh and please note that there is no mention of pie here, we’re not going to get into that again...

To the Games!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! By the time this game comes on you’re either finishing up dinner or getting into the car to head to Thanksgiving number two or a friend’s house to get away from the nightmare that family can be. When this game was announced because Texas would no longer play A&M, LSU fans were not pleased! Also, let’s pause and just laugh and laugh and then laugh some more at Texas for losing to Kansas. Wow. Anyway, LSU fans weren’t thrilled, and the SEC told them to shove it, like the Turkey you’re jamming into your face. And they did.

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: Stuffing from Inside the Cavity. You know that’s where all the flavor is, and you don’t want to get stuck with the one just made on the stove top. You can also call this dressing, but that’s what I call the stuff you put on salad so, EAST COAST. Basically, this game is tasty and delicious.

kristina: This is why I’m only doing okay ‘cause Chris is like “make your picks now!!!!!” and I’m throwing darts with this one. So Aggies! (Don’t do that silly blowing the whole game and losing thing again though, that was not cool.)

Chris: This is a nice treat to wind the day down with and it’s not the NFL which is hot garbage. The NFL just sucks every which way you turn. I like A&M in this game because it’s at home and LSU looked kind of junky last week, and that’s fresh in my brain. Stop looking so junky Tigers, you just ruined Ed O’s chances of getting his dream job!

Our not-so-great season mercifully comes to an end. If you like offense, you should be happy as maybe you were last week, though if you like winning or defense, well, grab a nice, strong drink ‘cause neither of those will probably be happening. If you’re a Bill C. type and want the stats to verify that, Arky hasn’t lost to a sub-.500 team. Shout out to Beisel though. The Ar-kansas thing needs to stick.

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: It’s Mizzou, I mean, you kind of have to watch. (Well, literally I suppose not, but you will take a peek, at least.) So we have to go with turkey here, ‘cause you know you’re going to have to at least try it. It’s the basis of the whole damn meal. Faux-turkey for the vegetarian types.

kristina: I can’t pick Arky, so guess chalking up one loss of a pick by being a nice little Mizzou fan and sticking with them. All the other teams rivalry names sound way better than the Battle Line. We can’t even SEC rivalry well apparently. Yes, we’re going to make verbs out of everything.

Chris: Oh Mizzou, every time I turn around you’re doing something to embarrass all of us. This season and year can’t end soon enough. From the basketball team, to the academic fraud, to whatever the football team is doing on the field, I give up. You win world. Arkansas, and may they be merciful about it. Enjoy the Battle Line Trophy brought to you by who cares.

Both Georgia teams come into this Saturday tilt on a bit of a winning streak and both have 7-4 records, and both are going to a bowl game. At this point you should be good and recovered from the holiday and the day after holiday massacre at your local big box store, if you didn’t realize all those sales also exist on the internet. So I hope you watch this game on a big ass TV that’s all 4K and you only received a black eye in the process and not stitches.

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: Cranberry Sauce, the kind that has the rings still on it. This game is good and reliable, but if you didn’t have it you would only be slightly disappointed. My mother makes real cranberry sauce instead of out of a can, to which I say, “STOP TRYING TO BE SO DAMN FANCY MOM!!!”

kristina: What’s wrong with real cranberry sauce? Any food that retains rings like that should not be trusted. I don’t get Black Friday either, but not liking crowds or people, why would I? SEC Georgia. Our girls love cranberry sauce, though especially when younger, toddlers, cranberry sauce and white/light dining chairs is NOT a good combination.

Chris: I mean how do you pick this game? Were Auburn and Tech overrated? I don’t know!!! I’m going to take Georgia because they are not as nerdy as the Tech guys. That’s ok though, I bet the Tech guys have a chant that includes some sort of comment about how UGA grads will end up working for them or something. Ah college kids, you’re all so predictable.

It’s the Governor’s Cup, which, yeah, screams SEC so we’ll take it. Kentucky’s already gotten that sweet sixth win, so why not upset Louisville while you’re at it? They’re already ticked at missing out on the ACC championship game so knock ‘em down another peg. Hell, even Calipari is getting in on the rivalry.

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: Green Bean Casserole. Yes, it’s more of a modern thing but still tasty. Got to keep those Cream of Mushroom people in business! Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever used it outside of this. Saw the original recipe included soy sauce. I am not convinced that is a good idea? mmmm.........sushi.

kristina: Louisville. Yup, the “have to go back and check what I picked” pick. Kentucky’s gone all basketball by this time anyway, right? Ugh, I want a good basketball team. Xavier’s game was so much fun............and then well, it wasn’t.

Chris: Lamar Jackson, he’s good though I’m not sure what happened against Houston. I miss having a mobile quarterback that could throw, where are you JAMES FRANKLIN?! Oh yeah, Canada. Anyway, Kentucky is going to lose and I will enjoy that, though they’re bowling and we’re committing fraud so I guess they’ll have the last laugh. Go Louisville, your stadium being named after a pizza chain that sucks bugs me, but hey, that’s on you.

It’s the Egg Bowl!!! You know why it’s called “The Egg Bowl?” Because the trophy appears to be shaped like an egg, that’s what footballs look like in Mississippi, eggs. Big Ol’ Ostrich eggs. I’ve never had an ostrich egg omelette before and I kind of feel like a lesser person for it. This game used to be good, now it’s just meh.

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: Sweet Potatoes. That’s right, just boiled sweet potatoes. My father is French and stepmother Belgian and in 1991 they attempted Thanksgiving. It was good, had some Euro flairs to it, not too many bells and whistles, but some nice add ons. Except for the boiled sweet potatoes, which no one wanted. So my father being rational got upset and threw them out the window from the 26th floor. It was awesome.

kristina: Ostrich burgers are legit. Sweet potatoes doused in marshmallows are not. Apparently I picked Ole Miss just ‘cause they’re the home team, without researching if being at home helps them all that much. I’m really all about being lazy. WDWWD.

Chris: I’m taking Sate because Ole Miss crapped the bed against Vandy last weekend. I mean, Mizzou beat Vandy...and that’s what you need to know. Also, both these coaches are going to be on the hottest of hot seats next year, get ready for rampant speculation about their job status all summer and next season.

It’s the Iron Bowl, not the fanciest rivalry name but we’ll let it stand. Mostly ‘cause either of these two would obliterate Mizzou. Watch this one to remember what a really good defense looks like. Too soon? Want to impress the football family with some trivia? ‘Bama LB Hamilton was his high school’s valedictorian. Seriously, if that ever is asked in some super sports specific trivia night, you can just send us your winnings. Trivia nights are so much fun.

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: Well, two thoughts here. First, if we’re defining food as anything edible, we’re going with booze. It makes the holidays merrier and your uncle ranting on the state of politics and whatever else more tolerable. And honestly, you can’t really screw it up, can’t say that for most of our other selections. Second option, gravy. ‘Cause it’s going on everything and can cover up the mistakes. Something too dry, add gravy! (well, besides the pie)

kristina: Again, can’t really pick against ‘Bama until they lose. Though, it may have been a thought to try and sneak a victory over my counterpart with an upset. Damnit, hindsight 20/20, meh. Woof, whatever. I’ll probably watch this one, though cleaning the house would be the better use of my time.

Chris: Now this is a good game, best game of the weekend in fact. I have no idea why its in the afternoon. Why is this not under the lights on CBS? What are you thinking?! I’m taking Bama because Bama is better than everyone this year. Though I hope they lose in the semi finals of the Playoff, that would be fun.

Nonconference games abound! I love them and I love that they’re all jammed into the final weekend of the season. Though, something’s missing no? Oh well, best not to think about it. This game does not appear to be that close, especially with Clemson holding onto that last playoff spot like grim death. Could be messy...

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: Creamed Pearl Onions. They’re tasty, messy and only really come out once a year. They’re overrated but you like them because it’s tradition and it’s been a year since you last ate them. Pass em this way I say!

kristina: Wth is a creamed pearl onion? Must be a French thing. Speaking of the French, someone (ahem!!) was going to give me a recommendation for an actual champagne so if he doesn’t get to that by, well, tonight, all the Andre!! (Hah, not literally, that stuff is awful.) But seriously. Where’s my recommendation? Chris is not SEC speed. Uh, Clemson.

Chris: The Gamecocks aren’t getting pardoned this Thanksgiving. They are going to be dominated and eaten by the Tigers of Clemson. 8 Ball is going to feast on your innards like a good top of the food chain beast would, then he’s going to drink bourbon straight out your carcass.

So Twitter didn’t like the “champions for life” line, but when does twitter approve of anything? Social media sometimes is the worst. The Vols want the Sugar Bowl, and Vandy wants to bowl, just period. Poor Vols, no SECCG for you. I mean, Mizzou setting offensive records vs. you isn’t inspiring.

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: Fruitcake. No one likes it, but you always have that one relative who brings it ‘cause actually cooking something else was just far too much trouble so just hit up the store for this atrocious offering. Who wants to spend the day watching this, really? (And before someone says there are decent store-bought fruitcakes, just stop it. We won’t believe you anyway.) Kind of like my uncle-in-law. Moscato? What part of “dry wine please” is the hard part to follow here?

kristina: Sadly, I have to go with the Vols. Given my season record is already shot though, an upset would be funny as hell. No sugar bowl for you! (Good thing too, less chance you dump half it in your iced tea.) But it’s Saturday evening, like we’re drinking tea at this point.

Chris: Watching Tennessee fans find out mid first quarter against Mizzou that Florida had beaten LSU and they weren’t going to the SEC Championship game was gold. Gary Danielson, who can be a pain, was even making fun of them, it was pure gold! That’s GOLD Jerry, GOLD!!! That all being said, they’re going to hammer Vandy...poor little Vandy...

We close out the SEC day and SEC season (regular) with this cross conference tilt for the right to dominate the state of Florida until the next time they play. Both teams are ranked right after each other and both teams have a potential to play spoiler, I suppose.

SEC Thanksgiving Scale of Deliciousness: The Drumstick. It’s fun to get excited about eating this and when you hold it in your hand you can’t help but feel like the conqueror of worlds that you aren’t, but still pretty awesome.

kristina: Gators. Enjoy this win and then enjoy getting pummeled in the SECCG. Then again, that beats not playing at all, womp womp. I want to go to a bowl game. This not winning thing is just not fun.

Chris: I’m going to go with State here, I like State. Then I’m going to watch “The Program” and find the similarities in uniforms, general attitude and wonder why they play Georgia Tech, I just don’t see it. Go Wolfpack, I mean Noles...PLACE AT THE TABLE, STARTING DEFENSE!!!!

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That’s it! Let’s check out the condensed version for the TL:DR crowd below...

Thanks for reading this season, have a great Holiday and eat and drink with nary a care in the world, winter is coming and you need your winter weight to stay warm. And somehow we omitted the pie in our discussion. Huh. Stupid pearl onions, they took pie’s place.

See you next week for Championship Week!