The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 10 in the SEC

Well it’s November, the true beginning of the winter and the darkness is upon us, even though it was like 80 degrees the other day! But for some SEC fans (Mizzou fans included) it’s been dark for some time.

Normally at this time, your mind turns to college basketball, but well, you’re an SEC fan, so maybe it’s actually baseball or softball or the firing and hiring of your football coach.

Whatever your state of mind, the individuals in charge of scheduling in the conference have provided you with a heaping pile of bad games. The kind of games that are reminiscent of that pile of leaves you raked up that then got wet in a cold October afternoon storm and then got moldy, and gross, and began to stink something awful. Welcome to week 10 in the SEC!

To the records!

Kristina is back! Just like beaujelois nouveau! The only blemish on her record was Tennessee doing what they typically do, fall apart after all the hype. Ha, Vols, you guys, well I’m sure everyone is happy to be wrong every once in a while no? This week looks to be pretty straight forward, but who knows we could be completely wrong, or…completely right! (Editor’s note: Stupid Vols.)

To the games!

The first game of the day and barf. I mean seriously? This is what kids and alumni from Ole Miss have to wake up for? Georgia Southern at 11:00 in the AM? Listen, I know the Grove and tailgating is a big thing, but man! Sorry Rebs, so, so, sorry.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 5. This is worse than the preseason of the NBA. This is do your taxes instead of watch the game scheduling. If you’re watching this game, well it’s time to reprioritize.

kristina: Boring.... Meh. I don’t watch regular season NBA. (I’m not sure what shifts for me from college basketball to that, ‘cause I’ll watch the latter all day long.) Mizzou needs to get back to the tourney, I miss my “Mizzou wins it all” go big or go home bracket. Ole Miss.

Chris: As we roll to the end of the Chad Kelly era I’ll remember many things, mostly the things I made up about him driving around in a tank with a rocket launcher all the while trying to DM porno stars and generally making an ass of himself. Well I guess some of that happened…Take Ole Miss and you know, thank me later?

So A&M rolls into cowbell country with its fancy fourth place ranking in the first college playoff release. We Mizzou fans only can wish. State’s defense is not good at all, but it’s kind of hard to harp on that when ours isn’t exactly on fire. A&M should roll, eh, at least if they put up an early lead, we don’t have to listen to all the cowbells.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. Not as bad as our first one, but so much better wastes of your time, especially given the weather isn’t understanding it’s November and trying to be summer again.

kristina: A&M. Not that I’d watch this one, but being lazy and staring at the tv sounds better than what I’ll actually be doing which is stupid yard work and, sad to say as, well, they’re kind of our little pets, a chicken funeral. Clearly one of our girls is a little more suited to dealing with animal deaths than the other. (Huh, SO has a hunting partner, I guess.)

Chris: I mean this is better than the game at the same time slot. Looks like the SEC wants the state of Mississippi in a drunken stupor by mid afternoon. The cowbell swingers will be taking the sad nap in this game as A&M marches towards a college football playoff berth that won’t happen because a loss is coming…just not to day.

It’s a morning affair on the plains and Auburn’s somehow in the top 10. Like John Snow, the forecasters know nothing. Who saw this Auburn team on November 5^th in the top 10? Put your hand down if you did, you’re lying! Vanderbilt, get a milk carton and put your offense on the side of it, maybe someone will find it for you.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. This is not unwatchable, but it’s close. Again, unless you went to either of these schools, you have better options, like reviewing each candidate’s policy positions, because I bet you didn’t even know they had one.

kristina: Auburn. And another game I won’t be watching. What’s with all these early games?

Chris: This could be worse, it could be a directional college I suppose. But this is an easy pick, the money’s on Auburn. They’re Tigery, they’re eagly and they’re warr’y. Also, not NERDS!

So Arkansas is going to debut an “all anthracite” uniform for this game. Steal our basketball coach, steal our uniforms, got it. (Don’t care if it turns out we weren’t the first to use anthracite, it’s ours!!) Fun fact, they haven’t beaten Florida since joining the SEC. When you win your sports trivia night on that little detail, you can forward us your prize money.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 3. Least it might be a game. But you could also just go browse Target for all the Halloween leftover candy on clearance, though by now it’s all the cruddy stuff.

kristina: This is how boring this week is, even Chris and I agree on everything and that’s just not any fun at all. Nor helps my chances to improve on the records. Oh well. As we’ve stated before, can’t pick Arky.

Chris: This game actually looks pretty good on paper I suppose. But again, I’m just not feeling it. At what point do we throw Butch Jones and Bert Bielema into a blender and just make one giant underachieving coach with loads of talent with a bad haircut? That said, take Florida, because someone is going to win the SEC East even if it’s by accident.

It’s the battle for Columbia! The winner gets a $60 trophy and a participation ribbon for showing up! If you had told me in August (I’m peppering this post with that) that Muschamp’s team would look less terrible than Odom’s, well I would have called you a liar. And I would have been wrong. Winner of this game gets the nicest set of Dockers on the rack!

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. It’s Mizzou so you’ll watch in the mid afternoon. But you won’t like it. And neither will I.

kristina: I tried. I tried to pick Mizzou, just can’t. Kids and their damn participation ribbons. How well do we have to do to get that nice evening slot? I like watching us be miserable in a relaxed environment, okay?

Chris: Mizzou is probably gonna lose, so can we just get this over with and move onto basketball, where Mizzou is probably gonna lose a lot more than they win. The battle of Columbia winner will be the one on the east coast.

So Tennessee hasn’t won since their crazy hail Mary ending. Yes, we’re not going to talk about how long it’s been since Mizzou won. That’s not the point here. Oh, and it’s their Homecoming, I mean, overlooking your non-con homecoming opponent never happens. Nope, not at all. Props though, selfie sticks are a prohibited item.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. Maybe the Vols continue their little downward spiral, but given the margin of victory for this rivalry is 44 points, well.........go cut the grass or something.

kristina: Go ruin my record, Vols, thanks a bunch. You had one job last week! Tenn. Tech somehow winning this game with a hail Mary would be funny as hell.

Chris: Well look how the mighty have fallen. One minute you’re in the top 10 after barely beating every team you faced through luck and dumbassery, the next minute you’re playing Tennessee Tech on an alternate channel at 3:00 PM on a Saturday. Tennessee, you will win this game but you will pay your instate technical school rivals a big fat check to do it. Move along…move along…

You know, this game, this game is important. This game could have a hand in who wins the SEC East, the WORST division in the power 5. So it’s a good thing it’s on during primetime. Lo for the day of the World Series having 8 or 9 games. Will Bob Stoops get an extension? Will Kirby Smart prove he’s actually smart? WILL I watch this game or WILL I do anything else?

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. This game is not good, and not interesting. But it’s the passed hor d’oeuvres that is the pre Bama/LSU tilt, so you might as well watch this for 30 minutes.

kristina: Georgia. I want some potato skins. And honestly, does anyone order them for the potato factor? It’s just a nice little boat to host bacon, cheese and everything else that is awesome. (Editor’s note: do not write while hungry.)

Chris: I’m taking Georgia because of Nick Chubb and because Kentucky, well I just don’t buy it. No sir, not one bit.

So most are claiming this to be the game of the week, if not the year, so let’s all hope that pans out and we finally, come evening, have good, watchable football, unless for whatever reason (Mizzou loss, cough cough) you’re already buzzed and can’t even find the remote. Winner of this one wins the SECCG in four of the last five seasons.

Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 1. Who are we kidding, outside of Mizzou, ‘cause you have to, it’s the only game worth watching for actual entertainment value.

kristina: ‘Bama. Halloween would be the best birthday date ever. Disappointed this year, horror movie options this October were just awful.

Chris: FINALLY! A game worth watching. LSU fans must balance the desire to beat Bama vs the desire to hire someone not named Ed Orgeron as head coach. LSU, you win this game and it’s all Ed all the time. Just like that EDTv movie I never saw on RHEN back in the day. But seriously, something worth watching, how nice! I’m taking Bama on the road because its birthday week for Nicky and Nicky doesn’t lose during birthday week.

This week’s final picks to wager your very soul on:

And that will do it for this week. See you next week as we embrace the terror of day light savings.