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The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Championship Weekend

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Making the picks for teams we’ve never seen

defcon

Well, we made it friends, what started in the sweltering, sticky and sunny days of September is concluding in the dark, chill, night air of December. It’s championship weekend! We’re just one step away from Bowl Season when giant potatoes, tons of oranges and soon to be bankrupt internet start ups get their name on a poorly attended exhibition game in parts of the country you will never visit nor have any desire to. Is there not a better time to be alive? I say no! Before we get to the games (finally, games that aren’t just bad SEC teams beating up on mid-directional universities that are better than them) we have to look at our records for the SEC Season.

To the Records!

Picker Record Last Week Season to Date
kristina 5 Wins, 9 Losses 72 Wins, 54 Losses
Chris 6 Wins, 8 83 Wins, 42 Losses

Well it was not a good week, we were undone collectively by Georgia and Tennessee, while Kristina had faith in our Tigers, I did not. Shows what we know. For the SEC season though we both came out ahead and for that, well that’s pretty cool. Shows what a passing glance at the match-up and an idea of what a team is capable of will get you. (Editor’s note - dartboard.)

But that’s all past, and those living in the past just aren’t livin’ man! We’re focused on the future and the future starts tonight with two championship games, a little Maction appetizer followed by a heaping entrée of Pac 12 dinner, which will be comprised solely of edibles. (Editor’s note - why would you eat something that’s not edible? Must be a French thing?) (Editor’s Editors Note - kristina clearly has not heard of space cakes and the like).

As we did last week, the scale of watchability is being re-purposed to a scale of drinkability. The games will be based on their equivalent to how much you’d want to drink them and what you would want to drink, which doesn’t sound weird in the slightest! (If anything outside of lazy, we’re all about the weird.)

To the Games (Big 12 Not Included)!

Home Team Away Team Conference Championship Date Time Location TV Watch Online
#17 Western Michigan Ohio MAC Friday, December 2 6:00 PM Ford Field, Detroit ESPN2 WatchESPN

Western Michigan is perfect, PERFECT, and this is a perfect start to your evening. A little Maction to get you going…sorry, MACTION!!!! Unfortunately for the Western Michigan team they will not get into the College Football Playoff because a one loss Michigan may because that makes sense. Stupid playoff decided by stupid people…

Scale of Drinkability: Lamarca Prosecco. It’s a good palette opener and it won’t break your bank, so you can drink a lot of it. Not as good as Champagne, but it’s got bubbles and will surprise you, like the MAC tends to do.

Kristina: All the Korbel! Thanks to AlaTiger as my counterpart refuses to give me actual champagne advice. (See, this year we’re saying adieu to the orange juice on Christmas morning and going with straight booze, so we need something decent.) Oh yeah, uh Western Michigan.

Chris: It would be silly to pick Ohio when all I know about them is that Frank Solich coaches there after getting the boot from Nebraska after not winning six titles in five years as head coach. FOR SHAME! Also, their helmet for the weekend looks nice. But take the Broncos because they’re undefeated and yeah, you never mess with a streak.

Home Team Away Team Conference Championship Date Time Location TV Watch Online
#4 Washington #8 Colorado PAC 12 Friday, December 2 9:00 PM Levis Stadium, "San Francisco" Fox FoxSportsGo

It’s a late Friday night affair, folks! So you may or may not already be asleep or passed out or some combination in between. Colorado is relevant in football again. I mean, to never finish above last place in the South division and now you’re in the championship game is one hell of a turn-around. (Ahem, men’s basketball, take note here.) We’re so going to be in the final four next year. Clearly I’m drinking far too much kool-aid. So nice of Stanford and Oregon to let the other guys finally have at it.

Scale of Drinkability: You got to be careful here so you don’t end up passed out by kickoff, so whatever you’re drinking, stick with it, but hell, it’s December, it’s cold, boozy hot cocoa could work. Too damn late for spiked coffee, you’ll be still up at three am ticked off at the neighbors for keeping their silly, blinking Christmas lights on all night.

Kristina: I’m not really pulling for either but we’ll just say Washington, and if it’s an upset, yay for Colorado, doubtful I’m awake when this one ends nor am I planning on watching it anyway. Got to get to sleep as somehow a very boring weekend just months ago turned into a dreaded “full of stuff” one. MEH.

Chris: It’s too bad this game isn’t a bowl…get it, it’s a joke about pot! Anyway, this game looks like a lot of fun, and I’m hopeful that Gus Johnson is doing the game ‘cause I love him and if you don’t, cram it! Anyway, I’m taking Washington because I would really like to see them win for Gary Pinkel, and it would probably ensure another B1G team doesn’t get into the playoffs and that’s fine with me.

Home Team Away Team Conference Championship Date Time Location TV Watch Online
#19 Navy Temple American Saturday, December 3 11:00 AM Annapolis, MD ABC WatchESPN

Crab cakes and Football, that’s what Maryland Does! Well we’re all going to see about that aren’t we? The American Conference Championship game is taking place just up the road in Annapolis in a home game for the Midshipmen and I kind of hate that. Neutral site games for everyone I say! Seriously, though, crab cakes are a delight!

Scale of Drinkability: A Bloody Mary with an Old Bay Crusted Rim and a Crab Claw Garnish. You’ve just woken up from your west coast evening and man, the head is pounding, don’t grab that silly mimosa, go for a nice spicy Bloody Mary and let your Saturday take you to a new place.

Kristina: I love tomatoes, I love most things you can make with them, but I just can’t do a Bloody Mary. Oh yeah, not to mention they nearly always come with that damn celery. Navy ‘cause they’re ranked, which is an awful reason. Upsets are fun.

Chris: Navy, all the way. They’ve got submarines, air craft carriers and more planes than you can shake a stick at! I once went to a Navy game and actively rooted for SMU, no one was pleased with me, but hey, that’s life.

Home Team Away Team Conference Championship Date Time Location TV Watch Online
Western Kentucky Louisiana Tech Conference USA Saturday, December 3 11:00 AM Bowling Green, KY ESPN WatchESPN

WKU looks for a little revenge after a three point loss against Tech earlier in the season. Ahem, Mizzou volleyball, take note and destroy Purdue, thanks. There’s a Boca Baton Bowl? This is just getting silly. I mean, nothing against veggie burgers (uh, no thanks though) and medium rare please. Overcooked burgers are the worst! We’ll go bowling again some day, right?

Scale of Drinkability: It’s early, should be fun and have lots of offense, so hmm, let’s go with a craft beer. A little fancier, ‘cause fancy offenses deserve fancy beer. So enjoy as you watch both teams rack up tons of points, hell they’ll both probably score more than our basketball team did last game. (Again, too soon?)

Kristina: Hilltoppers! If only because they gave us “they ain’t SEC” meme and it’s glorious. Gave the SO a gift box of craft beers last year, which, given we all know I’m not well versed in that stuff was “uh, no IPAs and have at.” Worked out well, only one was given a “meh” review.

Chris: I refuse to look at records but what I do know is that Rick Stansburry is killing it on the recruiting trail at WKU in basketball and it’s got people online all a twitter that he’s somehow cheating to get prized recruits to go to his middle of nowhere school. WHERE’S THE INTEGRITY?! Win with overranked three stars who can’t shoot I say! Take the Hilltoppers because their mascot is a mess and it’s a home game.

Home Team Away Team Conference Championship Date Time Location TV Watch Online
#1 Alabama #15 Florida SEC Saturday, December 3 3:00 PM Georgia Dome, ATL CBS CBSVideo

Hey, it’s the SEC Championship! This feels so familiar. Though something’s not right here. I was told that this game would feature Tennessee. Where are the Vols? Surely they won all their games this year and are a shoe in for the playoff and eventually a parade in Knoxville. No? Oh, they just squeaked by a bunch of average teams all year and then get smoked by the likes of SC and Vandy? Gotcha…I guess we’ll make do with these non Tennessee teams as best we can…

Scale of Drinkability: Bourbon, but bad Bourbon, like Ten High bad Bourbon. This bourbon matches this game, ugly, gross and you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel if you’re into this.

Kristina: It’s Florida’s chance to be completely demolished by ‘Bama. But, sad panda is sad ‘cause being in the SECCG is better than well, winning four stinking games. But we beat Arky, and it was beautiful. Oh wait, I wouldn’t know. Stupid Friday day games.

Chris: Alabama is going to win and it’s not going to be pretty, it will in fact be ugly. UF may stick around but no one is beating Bama, Nicky boy won’t have it. Remember when Mizzou went two years in a row, and Tennessee didn’t? Yeah…good times!

Home Team Away Team Championship Game Date Time Location TV Watch Online
Alcorn State Grambling State SWAC Saturday, December 3 3:00 PM NRG Stadium, Houston ESPNU WatchESPN

Welcome to Houston, fattest city in America!!! Apparently this city is growing exponentially and don’t accidentally compare their growth to that of San Antonio’s because it’s different, seriously different, to the point where you’ll get shouted at.
I hope JJ Watt doesn’t show up to this game do JJ Watt things...man I can’t stand him.

Scale of Drinkability: I’m thinking something fun, Frozen Margaritas for everyone! They’re tasty, boozy, usually coming at a fun time of year and you won’t look silly drinking it. Also, as it melts, more booze!

kristina: SWACtion! (Sorry, way catchier than MACtion.) Man this thing has SEC names all over it: Broderick Fobbs, Devante Kincade and even a “Mr. Excitement.” Grambling, why not, they’ve only lost one game. Just don’t tell me it was to Alcorn State, yes we could look that up, but remember, lazy, folks. Meh, margarita on the rocks! (Use key lime juice, kids, it makes quite the difference.)

Chris: Alcorn State has won two championships in a row, but Grambling is much better on paper and in that pesky record area. I’ll take Grambling and man I miss Steve McNair, he was good, I really, really wish he had beaten the Rams in the Super Bowl.

Home Team Away Team Conference Championship Date Time Location TV Watch Online
Wyoming San Diego State MWC Saturday, December 3 6:45 PM Laramie, WY ESPN WatchESPN

So these two just played each other in a game that ended with Wyoming stopping a two-point conversion to win by a point. Guess SDSU went with the “go big or go home” and they did the latter. War Memorial Stadium is the highest Division 1 stadium, so there’s that, but all that talk about having a lesser tolerance in high elevations seemed wrong, then again, it was just Flagstaff. Fun town. Even has decent sushi.

Scale of Drinkability: A decent wine. You don’t want to break the bank, but something you can enjoy the whole game, and the super cheap stuff doesn’t accomplish that. Especially if you’re choosing a red. Awful red wine leads to awful hangovers. Friends shouldn’t let friends go that route.

Kristina: SDSU. But this time, play it safe and go to overtime! Who doesn’t like overtime games? (Uh, outside of our men’s basketball team? Too soon?)

Chris: Wyoming and the points please! Remember when Dave Christensen was the coach there and went absolutely off the rails after his team lost to Air Force? Man, that was a mess. Anyway, Wyoming is now in a better place and I imagine once Jim Sterk left SDSU they completely fell apart. Good luck Teki, we miss you!

Home Team Away Team Conference Championship Date Time Location TV Watch Online
#3 Clemson #23 VaTech ACC Saturday, December 3 7:00 PM Camping World, Orlando ABC WatchESPN

Tech has a very large following and alumni base where I live and well that’s something. I mean more than MD which makes no sense. Unless they all decide to move to DC because Blacksburg is a hole. Which it may be. Justin Fuente is doing good things, there and so is Buzz Williams and now I am very upset and jealous!

Scale of Drinkability: Some light beer you are going to drink too much of. This could be a Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light, whatever. This game is mildly interesting and inoffensive, so have something that is not likely to disturb you and can be drunk all game long. You won’t feel ashamed of yourself until the next day, this will be our little secret.

Kristina: Bud Select 55 really tastes like watered down beer. Sadly, when one forgets kickball booze and is offered free beer, one can’t complain all that much. Then you drink too much of it and go “yeah, let’s play winter!” and then a month later you’re in five degree weather thinking that was a very poor decision. Clemson.

Chris: Clemson, seriously, they’re in the playoff again and Clemsoning is no longer a thing…unless they lose this game to Tech. That said, Clemson and their weird purple uniforms. RIP Prince…

Home Team Away Team Conference Championship Date Time Location TV Watch Online
#6 Wisconsin #7 Penn State B1G Saturday, December 3 7:00 PM Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis Fox FoxSportsGo

Stop it with the B1G and just call yourselves the Big Ten. Since we SEC and don’t watch this stuff, apparently it could be the Rose Bowl or nothing here, as neither are a lock in the playoff thought or something like that. That’s funny as hell. Ticket prices are fairly low, guess you might as well save the cash to go to the bowl game. It’s at Lucas Oil Stadium, which the only memory I have of that place is trying to corral a very drunken friend back to the hotel. Meh.

Scale of Drinkability: It should be a close game, so maybe you’d watch it, but the ACC game is on as well and it’s Saturday night in December which means you might be at an early holiday thing or something, so we’ll go with the boozy punch that you’ll probably try just once ‘cause who knows what the hell is in there.

Kristina: I’m not thrilled with this one, but Penn State. (Nothing against Wisconsin but your basketball uniforms tend to be ugly and you think you own the cheese world.) Mmmmm cheese.......not as tasty and universal as bacon, but it’s really close.

Chris: So James Franklin isn’t getting fired anymore I suppose? That right PSU fans? I’m taking Wisconsin because no Penn State, not ever. Hopefully they run for a billion yards in the most B1G game ever…Also, Ohio State and Michigan shouldn’t be in the playoff, those are my feelings, deal with it!


That will conclude our post! It’s been a tremendous season of writing and having three of you read this (thanks MOM!). Check out our picks below and enjoy championship weekend!

The Picks!

Picker Champions Not Champions
kristina WMU, Washington, Navy, WKU, Bama, Grambling State, SDSU, Clemson, PSU Ohio, Colorado, Temple, LaTech, Florida, Alcorn State, Wyoming, VaTech, Wisconsin
Chirs WMU, Washington, Navy, WKU, Bama, Grambling State, Wyoming, Clemson, Wisconsin Ohio, Colorado, Temple, LaTech, Florida, Alcorn State, SDSU, VaTech, PSU

Later!