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The Lazy Fan's Guide to the Final Four

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Look out or Roy Williams is gonna get ya!

Peter Casey-USA TODAY Sports

Well, we're here, we made it! The Final Four, taking place in Houston, the city with the most air conditioners in the country and sprawl, so much sprawl. We've come a long way from the First Five, that's right we're counting our friends from the other Columbia here, South Carolina, who were called to make travel arrangements and then...never got a call back. Poor crazy Frank Martin, just sitting there staring at his phone, watching the clock tick by with nary a call, no travel plans made, frustration boiling over, then the phone rings! But it's the NIT, the NCAA never called to tell them it wasn't Frank, it was them, and that it was time to move on...

Anyway, we're down to four so this preview will be a bit less lengthy and certainly a little less color coded, essentially we're moving away from the Ad Sheet look and more High School newspaper.

Tourney tidbits (part quatre):

-Both Syracuse and Villanova look to avenge in-season losses to their respective opponents.

-Syracuse is the fourth double-digit seed to make the Final Four, and the only number ten. None of the previous ones (all elevens) made it to the title game.

-Vegas, baby! Both Syracuse and 'Nova have covered the spread in all of their games.

-Kind of Mizzou'd! Virginia was going to return to the final four after more than three decades of not making it. As well, they had (had!) never lost when leading at half time the entire season. March Madness, folks.

But enough of that, let's get straight into the games, now with times included! Stupid East Coast bias. Flyover country is the best country.

#2 Villanova vs #2 Oklahoma (6:09 PM ET)

(Editor's note: 'Cause we have  'Nova winning the whole thing, we'll use their colors. Plus, we SEC now, none of that Big XII nonsense)

Look at that, no 1 seed came out of the South and West, way to go! But I'm sure we're all excited to be rid of Kansas and Bill Self because if nothing else lazy fans hold onto grudges like no other, and even though we don't play Kansas and they don't care about Mizzou it's still a delight to see them lose. Especially the facial expressions of Self as the time ticks away, always enjoyable.  Can you imagine if Memphis in 2008 were able to hit a free throw, Bill Self would be getting vilified for all his non national championship victories and only one final four appearance. Regardless, in this game of Buddy vs Archie the smart money is on Oklahoma, but I say damn the smart money! Nova plays splendid defense and manages to score too, they're like the anti-Virginia.  Also, props to us last week for pointing out that the Twitterverse would lose their minds when Buddy didn't win player of the year and Denzel did. Twitter, it's so predictable! Just look at Microsoft's AI bot. (Um, wait, don't do that at all) People are such a planetary problem. Oh, and apparently, either 'Nova winning games inspires people to eat fried rice, or fried rice helps you win. I mean, it's no maifun, but it's kind of tasty.

#1 North Carolina vs #10 Syracuse (8:49 PM ET)

Look out world, Roy Williams is pissed and looking for a fight. This past week an article in the Washington Post came out that pointed out that Roy is getting older, in poorer health and the NCAA is going to nuke the entire UNC athletics program from orbit for you know, making up classes. And you know what Ol' Roy did? Got out his best sweater vest and threatened this Post columnist that if he and his friends (also a bunch of old dudes) saw him in the street there would be trouble. He didn't specify the trouble, but there could be a fist to cuffs and other unpleasantness. Can you imagine, Roy and his boys rolling up on their bicycles that have the really big front wheel and the small back one, finding this writer, slamming down some Metamucil and screaming, "It's Go Time!"? It's a nice thought.  Anyway, at this point, I'm ready to welcome Syracuse, the hell with it, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! I look forward to this battle of NCAA violators and hope that the game is interrupted mid game when Mark Emmert parachutes into the arena and kicks both schools out of the tournament and in their place it's GW (NIT winners) and the CBI Winner (Nevada or Morehead State) because why not? Always remember folks, sober ex-HHKB is like the rest of us after a bottle of bad tequila. No good evening starts out well with that. Pass on the Cuervo, kids, always. And when you've had just a little too much, never open a friend's bottle that has a worm in it, retrieving that little guy out of a sink drain while not sober is kind of rough. Go Orange! (Wait......why are they here again?)

And that'll do it this week readers, enjoy the Final Four! We'll be back for our one shinning moment on Monday to get you prepped for the final game between someone and someone else. And someone else is going to win!