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Simmons Field Radioactive Hot List: Really, really dark horses for Mizzou Baseball

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These Dark Horse Mizzou Baseball Coach candidates are so dark, they gotta wear shades

Tremendous Stubble
Mizzou softball baseball coach Ehren Earleywine.

We’ve been taking a look and who the likely, the possible, and the wouldn’t-it-be-nice candidates to replace Tim Jamieson at the helm of Mizzou Baseball. Truth is, I have no idea what Mack Rhoades is thinking as he conducts his search. I’m just hoping someone prints out all my suggestions and puts them on top of the Etch-a-Sketch on his desk so he has some good choices from which to pick.

Just to make sure he considers all the possible options, here’s a few more possible candidates, the ones who almost certainly will not get the job. But these are the ones who would certainly keep all the sportswriters and webloggers occupied if it really did happen.

Ehren Earleywine

I mentioned the other day that Mizzou has never (as in Not Ever) hired a head baseball coach who was not already an employee of MU. Hiring Ehren Earlywine for the job would keep that streak alive.

A number of people have suggested that #TremendousStubble wouldn't be in so much #TremendousTrouble if he was yelling at the guys on the baseball team. Not to suggest there’s any sort of double standard, but it does make you wonder.

Rhoades: Who am I going to get to coach the Mizzou Baseball team?

Earleywine: I got this.

Not gonna happen.

Mack Rhoades

Word is, Mack Rhoades was once a baseball player himself. Maybe we could fulfill the expressed desire of quite a few Mizzou fans and do another lateral move to handle a tricky Human Resources situation. At least if Rhoades became head coach of baseball he would have an office at Taylor Stadium and wouldn't have to share a crowded office with MU’s previous laterally shuffled administrators.

Max Scherzer

On the plus side: Max would have those pitching recruits flocking to Missouri, just so they could take a ride with him in his Tesla.

On the down side: It would be a bit of a cut in pay for Max, since his current salary is significantly above the SEC average.

Aron Salzberg

In the major leagues the head coach is called the manager. So it only makes sense that a college baseball manager should be qualified to be the head coach.

Salzy has a few years of experience moving baseball equipment around, taking drinks to umpires, and washing Tanner Houck’s jock straps. What more could you want from a head coach?

He would also be great with the media, having plenty of experience doing post game interviews.

Random MU staff member

Nathan isn't really random. He’s a season ticket holder.

As for Mighty Deeds, he sits in Section B and bothers the opposing players in the On-Deck Non-Circle (when he’s not distracted by March Madness or by pursuing his endless campaign to be King of Tigerboard.)

I can think of a lot worse people who could be given Tim Jamieson’s old job. Speaking of which...

Larry Wyatt

Every team has a Super Fan, and Mizzou Baseball has Larry. We have to share him with every other sport at Mizzou, but if Mack Rhoades were to give the head coaching job to Larry, we could have him all to ourselves.

Does he know how to coach? He certainly knows how to offer advice to players on the field, especially opposing players.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right . . . Throw your bat, throw your helmet, take a seat! You’re outta here!

Trripleplay

You knew we’d end up here.

Every time I’ve mentioned rumors about Tim Jamieson’s status, someone here on RockMNation pipes up to suggest "Trrip for Mizzou Baseball Coach!"

Well, why not?

If I’m given the job, I make the following promises:

  1. I’ll rename the Tiger Crew the Diamond Darlings, like they used to be, and make sure that when they do a t-shirt toss they include t-shirts that will fit me.

  2. The Mizzou fight song will be played in its entirety at least once during every home game. And Truman will show up at every home game.

  3. We will play "inside baseball" with a zeal that will make John McGraw rise from his grave and shout "MIZ!!!"

  4. Our recruiting focus will be on Missouri and on every other state NOT in the SEC. We’ll find those great prospects who are hungry to play in the SEC but don't want to spend three years in the Deep South.

  5. Free hot dogs for all fans at every game!
  6. Sorry, still no beer. But I will bring back those Coke-for-a-dollar cups they gave out to all the season ticket holders in 2014 & 2015.



  7. I will motivate the players in the dugout by telling them dad-jokes.

  8. It will never snow during baseball season and the temperature will never be below 50 on game day.

  9. Finally, I promise to retire after one year, live a life of luxury on my one-year earnings, and turn the reins over to someone who knows what they’re doing.

That's nine promises, the perfect baseball number.

I’ll be awaiting Mack Rhoades’ call. You can find me in Section E, Row 4, Seat 1.