clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 5, Winter...has come!

Colorado v Utah Photo by Gene Sweeney Jr/Getty Images

We’re back with week 5, when things look less rosy for our Tigers, but, BUT we have two new features! We look at Notre Dame to make fun of them and their whole being, and add a late night game to get you out of talking to people at bars. Enjoy!

Week 5: The “Oh, look, the fun cross conference games are over and well we’re left with this” week

We’ve fully entered league play, and the amount of interesting games have become as barren as the tundra of the upper reaches of the Rodina. Seriously, though, academics are important (Go to class, Sheldon!) but when you’re in an interior classroom, a 7:30 in the morning viewing of “The topography of Siberia” is rough, and is the only thing one thinks of when seeing the word tundra. Sure there are some decent games but the reality is that at this point in the season, when the leaves have fallen, the sun sets at 3:00 PM and the frost is slowly creeping up your legs…the cold winter is on its way and if your team is out of it, well you’ve got some slow weeks ahead of you. We suggest bourbon.

Best Game: Wisconsin vs Michigan

Well it looks like, yet again our best option for this Saturday is a game in the B1G. I know there are those of you that pine for the B1G, wishing that we had taken the state and university beyond the wall and not moved south towards Kings Landing, and yes, once Kansas gets in when the Big 12-1+1-1+1+??? (The hell, I was told there would be no math!) eventually folds because their naked TV money grab fails, we may be salty but hey, we’ll get over it by making stuff up to feel better. Just like Jim Harbaugh does every night when he goes to bed at 8:00 PM and again when he wakes up at 5:30 AM, because when the sun rises we work and when the sun sets, we sleep. Honestly, if Michigan is truly back this is a game they have to have.

Others in consideration:

· Tennessee vs Georgia

Hey everyone, listen, Tennessee’s quarterback, yeah he’s an astronaut (just like your mom) so his passes are out of this world…ugh. (Editor’s note. UGH) Anyway, if Kirby is gonna show he’s got the Smarts to win the east, this is the big hurdle that stands in his way. PUNS FOR DAYS PEOPLE! But this is the best and the biggest Pun. We apologize, unfortunately we may or may not be here all week.

· Oregon vs Washington State

Hear me out, someone, anyone has to win the Pac 12, and maybe, just maybe the Pirate has figured this whole thing out. What thing? Defense? Good heavens, No! But he can score, and across the sidelines sits our old friend, David Yost. Damn I miss that hair and those completely unnecessary shades at night. Anyway, if Wildcats are gonna make the move (like that flag they have) this is the year.

Game with Playoff Implications: Oklahoma vs TCU

We stole your D coordinator, Horned Frogs, so take that! Anyway, with it being full-on conference season, these games matter and while TCU has been a special addition to the Big 12, they have yet to win the conference but this might be the year. And if it’s gonna be this year, they’re going to have to go through Bob Stoops and his doofy looking face. Sling it Gary Patterson and take what’s yours! And if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen or something. Maybe head out and try a Whopperito, or whatever the hell that thing’s supposed to be.

Others in consideration

· Louisville vs Clemson

Return trips to the College Football Playoff sponsored by whatever can be fun, and Dabo et al would like to get back there. Dabo Swinney, you can’t get more SEC sounding than that, clearly Clemson is in the wrong conference. And Louisville would love to get there, that is if their coach can stop watching/liking porn on Twitter. Control yourself man! Get off the motorcycle, leave the co-eds alone and lay off the adult material, or at least do it at home. Either way this game will be fun, regardless of who’s coaching it, so you should watch…just maybe in Incognito mode…but big brother is always watching.

Best Game involving Mizzou: Mizzou vs LSU

Tiger fans, brace yourselves, we’re headed to Baton Rouge (Red Stick for you non French speakers, California champagne for everyone!) and we’re gonna have fun, we’re gonna see a live Tiger mascot and we’re gonna get run over by the freight train that is Leonard Fournette. It’s gonna happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. We can hope to keep it close, but come on…be real. Still, it’ll be as fun as an ass whoopin can be. (Editor’s note - drink up the kool-aid and say we’re going to win if you want, delusional fans are the best!)

Best Game involving a Non Mizzou SEC Team: Memphis vs Ole Miss

It’s getting tough to find games that are interesting in the SEC, and so you have this. Wait, when did we start talking about basketball? A random out of conference game that may be fun, so you know, you should watch it, enjoy it and digest it. Who knows, maybe Chad Kelly will parachute in via Sherman Tank.

Worst Game involving a Power 5 Team they should be Embarrassed About: San Diego State vs South Alabama

Color me intrigued by South Alabama, how much farther South is it than the other Alabama schools. Next up “More Southern Alabama.” Does Bear Bryant’s kid impact their ability to do anything or does the golden child obstructer of the Fedora leave them alone? Either way, SDSU, we beat you at football and we stole your AD, so there.

SEC Team Most Likely to Go Down: Texas A&M vs South Carolina

Now this does not seem entirely likely to me, but looking at the conference schedule the dregs don’t really play anyone out of conference who could be trouble, so we go with this. Why the Aggies? Well it’s week 5 and they could have had the entire team transfer so forfeit! Long gone are the days of the Aggie Copter, but worry not Lane Kiffen is just a phone call away. Then again, Muschamp is too busy telling other coaches their wives are hitting on him.

Late Night Game of the Week to Avoid Your Family and Friends because they disappoint you: Fresno State vs UNLV

Remember when Fresno State was good? When they had a Carr brother at the helm that was fun times. Now their coach with the creepy facial hair is gone and they’ve got some new guy that looks like he wants to sell you insurance, like Needle Nose Ned, Ned the Head..BING. Anyway, the point of this game is to keep you occupied while you’re stuck at a Tex-Mex themed bar while your annoying brother-in-law won’t stop talking about how you have to try the extreme fajitas. Street tacos, my friends, always a much better option as long as you’re not in the Midwest. Grab yourself a drink that looks the least silly and enter West Coast football bliss.

Notre Dame Game of the Week so we can Trash Talk Them: Syracuse vs Notre Dame

In some future, this will be a conference game because people will wake up and realize that giving Notre Dame money for their games is silly and they are not the least bit interesting. Did you know they put real gold in the paint that they use on their helmets?! I know…big deal, HUGE deal. But the better question is, is it shiny enough? Go Orangemen. (Editor’s note: We love to make fun of everyone, but we should be tolerant of people with imaginary friends, I mean, hell, I have, I mean had, lots of ‘em. Easier to win at Uno that way.)

Will Kansas win this Week: They’re heading to Lubbock to take on the fighting Ray Bans, so no, Kansas will not be winning this week. KU is gonna give up 50 odd (or even!) points and look a lot like the team that tied the Armadillos back when Sinbad was anchoring the Texas State defense.

That’ll do it for Week 5, come back tomorrow when we have so little Mizzou to talk about, we’ll continue to ramble about other things, because if it’s one thing we do well around here, it’s ramble! Um, and drink.