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The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 7: Your Tailgate is Slumping

National Championship - Oregon v Ohio State Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Week 7: The “What the Sh*t is this Weather” week

It’s cold outside friends, SO cold. Your breath is showing as you tailgate and you’re clutching that Miller Lite can while you shiver your 6 AM away. It’s early, but at this point in the season the 11 AM kickoffs are mounting and you’re just not putting forth the effort you did in Week 1. Your set up is a couple of paper plates, two folding chairs and a collapsible cooler from 7-11. You’ve entered the winter malaise, somehow in the middle of Octoberand you’re still without the html view but that’s not bugging you at all, nope, not the slightest bit.

Best Game: Ohio State vs Wisconsin

This game, well it’s gonna be good. There’s gonna be so much old man football on display, you’re gonna feel like you’re living that Bon Jovi Geico commercial where you go back in time to the “glory days” of hard-nosed, 3 yards and a cloud of dust BS that old people love. But seriously, Ohio State wants that ugly trophy again and if they’re gonna get it they have to take care of the good teams on their sched and this is one of those. A road game in Madison that will have Herbstreit bringing out his kids on television one more time because you KNOW Gameday will be in Wisconsin. (Editor’s note - I give up.)

Others in consideration:

· Ole Miss vs Arkansas

About this time in the season Arkansas should be floundering, right before they turn it all around when it’s too little too late. No Kool Aid Man, NO! Anyway, Ole Miss is gonna go as far as Chad Kelly and his arm will take them. If they’re going well, he’s going to be brilliant, but if the Hogs Defense gets it going he has the possibility to go completely off the rails crazy. If he punts his kicker’s helmet through the uprights and steals a golf cart, I won’t be surprised. Somewhere Mike Anderson will be smiling, not because of the game but because he and Jimmy Sexton will be planning his next contract demands or he’ll take the job back in mid MO.

· NC State vs Clemson

Clemson wears purple uniforms sometimes and I’m not sure why, they should just go day-glo orange and blind everyone. All I know is that Kirk Farmer probably still has nightmares about what happened to him in Death Valley way back in the day. Anyway, Clemson needs this game to continue its trek back towards the playoff and really this should be a good game, a nice distraction from the outdoors which is no longer as inviting as it was just a few weeks ago. But call it something besides the Textile bowl, how boring.

Game with Playoff Implications: Kansas State vs Oklahoma

If you believe the rumblings out of Oklahoma, everyone that left the Big 12 all want to come back, we want to go back just like Jack did. And honestly this is the dumbest thing I’ve heard. Maybe, MAYBE Colorado wants to but everyone else is better off than they were suckling at the teet of Bevo and whatever Eduardo Najera is doing now. Inventor of football Bill Snyder said something similar, but he should be focused on his nephew, current Jazz coach, Quin Snyder. Either way, if OU wants in the playoff with their schedule being boned by Baylor and Kansas, this is a game they need to win and win big. Pfft, who cares about a Big 12 game anyway, just sit back and enjoy.

Others in consideration

· Tulsa vs Houston

Houston and Tulsa? Are you all on something? Nope, just life my friend, just LIFE! (Editor’s note: sober Chris is like drunk/drugged up anyone else, but y’all already knew that.) Anyway, everyone outside of the big 4 are terrified of the potential for an undefeated American or C-USA school to make things complicated, and Houston could do that. They’ve got their coach back, boring uniforms and a nice team. So win this and all the rest and Houston will be making noise quite possibly (probably not) and let’s hope Frank Haith throws a watch in rage at his velour covered wall. And why in the world would this be called the battle for the best city? Wiki’s gone loco.

Best Game involving Mizzou: Mizzou vs Florida

Mizzou comes off the bye week well rested and hopefully with their psyches back in tact after what would have probably been a physical and emotional beating in Louisiana. But at least they enjoyed the crawfish. Now the question is if Mizzou can bounce back (remember when Larry Smith handed out tennis balls after losses with that saying on them, ah management, ‘cause clearly those are the only things that bounce) and show that Florida (on its 40th QB since Tebow) was just holding our rightful seat warm as team to get handled by ‘Bama or LSU in Atlanta. And if when we win, the next question is to gator chomp or not?

Best Game involving a Non Mizzou SEC Team: Alabama vs Tennessee

Listen if the Vols are back and the greatest football team of all time with the greatest fans of all time, this is their big test. THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER! And this year, that’s actually accurate! No one, NO ONE will screw with this weekend on the calendar. At this point of the season both teams could take a loss and still bounce back like a tennis ball, but it’s tight. Will this be a preview of the SEC Championship just two months later in Atlanta? We hope not! “Every year since 2005, the winning team knowingly violates the NCAA rule [handing out victory cigars] and reports the violation in honor of tradition” is the most SEC thing ever.

Worst Game involving a Power 5 Team they should be Embarrassed About: Georgia Tech vs Georgia Southern

The NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDSSSSSSSSSSS of Atlanta will be bad, because they will be, but they will be better than Georgia Southern. This game feels like when your older brother just beats on you even though he’s so much bigger than you because he’s deflecting being dumped by a post-it note via text at school that day. You may take the loss Eagles, but hold your head high, you’re the bigger team. Yellow jackets are jerks anyways.

SEC Team Most Likely to Go Down: Mississippi State vs BYU

It’s a Friday night affair, live from Provo, Utah. Land of what can only be the most boring tailgates of all time. People shotgunning Sunny D (done that, and maybe next week you’ll get the back story), and screaming about how inaccurate “The Book of Mormon” was all while wearing throwback Ty Detmer jerseys. But this game could be quite trappy. BYU’s got not a bad group, it’s a late game on a Friday and State will still be breaking in a new QB. Smells like upset, cowbell tears and low ABV beer to me.

Late Night Game of the Week to Avoid Your Family and Friends because they disappoint you: UNLV vs Hawaii

Man, this game is about as late as you can get. If you’re out and it’s about this time you’re in make or break time, because either you’re having a good time or you’ve struck out and at this point are just nursing some watered down “American” lager now owned by a company in Europe. So here’s what you do, you line up a shot of Jack, order a Bullit bourbon neat, sit on that free bar stool, enjoy the germ-laden bar nuts, tell everyone around you to lay off and just watch this game. Long for the days of Larry Johnson, Colt Brennan and the greatest instrument Mrs. B refuses to get me for my birthday 13 years running, the ukulele. (Editor’s note: Someone start up a gofundme for Chris’s ukulele ‘cause drunk Chris busting out on that has to be youtube gold. HAS TO BE.)

Notre Dame Game of the Week so we can Trash Talk Them: Stanford vs Notre Dame

That tree, man that tree is going to destroy Notre Dame. The splinters they will inflict, my god, the tweezers they will need, it’s gonna take days, son! Some find the Stanford band offensive, I on the other hand wildly disagree. Stanford has done nothing but good for Mizzou, so let’s enjoy this game as the Irish get sawed up in Primetime as McCaffrey stomps over everyone.

Will Kansas win this Week: Nope, Kansas travels to Waco to take on Mack Rhodes’ Baylor Bears. Mack spent a whole 14 months in CoMo and I’m sure in that time, at least once a day a booster or rando at Schnucks demanded that he get on the phone to bring back the Border War. So in a final tip of the cap to the Tigers he will ensure that Baylor destroys Kansas, because Kansas, like good is dumb.

Until next week, when things perk up as you fully embrace your new winter overlords and everything is pumpkin spice, just stop it, stop it now.