Welcome back Lazy Fans to Week 1 of the Lazy Fan’s Guide to the SEC! We’ve been off since the end of the NCAA tournament but now we’re back to drop picks, takes and give you something a little different from your typical weekly college football preview. You wants stats and facts? Read Bill C, he’s the best, no one’s better and no he didn’t pay us or threaten to fire us if we didn’t say that. Uh, we can get fired when we don’t get paid? He’s great, seriously have him over for all your stat based and Puma sponsored parties. You want to read some drivel that eventually devolves into talk about the ladies? Clay Travis has got you covered for all your 12 year old boy commentary, none of that here, we’re on a 15 year old’s level people.
No, what we’re dropping here is uniquely us and uniquely Mizzou, ‘cause we’re all special little snowflakes, so sit back, strap in and let’s get excited that college football is back! And because the SEC is the biggest and baddest conference there is, we’ve got two games on tonight’s opening night schedule (again, Cal and Hawaii what happens in Australia stays in Australia, how were the toilets?) Damn sexy accents, that’s what happens.
Finally, for this week and this week only we’ve decided to critique all of the SEC’s 2016 schedule posters. Check this site to give them a once over. It was our idea first, of course, but remember, we’re lazy.
To the records!
Chris: 98 -50
This is how last year ended, both kristina and I did quite well and we’d have won you tons of money if you had used our picks to further your gambling needs. Hell, with our picks (more kristina’s) you’d have put your kids through college, paid off your mortgage or car note, or just had more money to waste on booze, or if you’re Doc Cheese, more adult interests. We’re here to serve you, friends, seriously, throw something our way.
But enough about how great we were, it’s time to see how great we can be!
To the games!
Appalachian State at Tennessee, Thursday, September 1 at 6:30 PM
I’m sure you’ve heard by now, but Tennessee is going to win the whole thing this year and this is just the first step towards their coronation. We’re all just witnesses to their greatness.
Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 1! Why Defcon 1? Well because it’s the first game and we’re just about to burst with the need for real football to sink our teeth in. This could be Directional U vs Something or Other A&M and we’d be just as jacked. If this were next week, eh, probably lower. But seriously, sit your ass down, grab a drink and let the game waft over you like a velvet fog.
kristina: Real football. So fake football would be kansas or soccer or something like that? They can’t win, the voluntears meme can’t die. All pumped for Saturday but college football on Thursday just sounds weird. That or I’d just really rather it be Saturday by now. I guess I get the “blasting noise into your stadium to anticipate the noise level” idea but does that even work? I need a case study here. Fine, Tennessee, I guess.
Chris: Are you sick and tired of hearing all about Tennessee? Raise your hand, don’t be shy. See we’re all bored, BORED with their whole thing. So what I want to see is what happened to Michigan back in 2007. You remember that don’t you? God that was glorious…Alas I don’t think we’ll see an upset like that, so take Tennessee but sit and hope for App State to pull the stunner.
Season Poster Breakdown: No UT, nope, nope, nope. What were you thinking? Your coach looking like he just realized he shouldn’t have had that last gordita before a two hour ride home? Come on, this is why you can’t be taken seriously…so much orange, knock it off.
South Carolina at Vanderbilt, Thursday, September 1 at 7:00 PM
The white out game! (Seriously, can you even get that stuff anymore) Damn kids these days don’t get how easy they have it. Nothing more fun than trying to fix citations on a damn typewriter. Yeesh, USCe (or however the hell they want to be referred to as) leads the series 21-4? Step up your game, Commodores! (Again, poor kids, commodore 64 was a legit system)
Scale of Watchability: Defcon 2. It’s SEC and it’s just slightly less interesting sounding than watching Tennessee get upset. Hell, split screen and watch ‘em both. The most wonderful time of the year (well, outside of March Madness) has returned!
kristina: I’m still stuck on how awful of a season poster South Carolina has. And how the hell does Chris ramble on about Vandy without a peep about the basketball court? Let SEC starting QB drama return. Uh, Vandy. No clue on this one.
Chris: Now I’ve been known to complain about the awful mid season games when an SEC team takes on a random directional college, but the upside is we get this. An interconference game on night one and what a game! Two of the bottom teams from the SEC East, count me in (again, this is week 1, we can’t help it). In this slugfest I think we’ll see Vandy pull the stunner and win 6-4, a very baseball score for a baseball season that won’t end.
Season Poster Breakdown: South Carolina – You know how you know your team will do well? By the cut of your coach’s slacks. Seriously, Muschamp exiting a burning building with a big wad of chew in his mouth was the best you could come up with? What a disaster.
Vanderbilt – Understated, has the number of the year that this is, some dude raising fingers. No real problem here, until you realize this player is going down with the ship and about to drown. All I can think of is SMOKE ON THE WATER!!!! Be better nerds, be better. Or he’s about to start strumming on Guitar Hero or something.
South Alabama at Mississippi State, Saturday, September 3 at 11:00 AM
It’s a come get your check and get out of town game for the South Alabamans. This being an early Saturday morning affair expect the clanga clanga to be a little toned down, hungover clanga if you will. It’s good, but needs frequent sips of ginger ale and a nice greazzzzy egg sandwich that will eventually knock their fans straight to sleep, just like you, the viewer.
Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 4. The only reason this game isn’t a 5 is because it’s week 1 and all games are decent in week 1. But seriously, this is hot garbage and you’re watching the Mizzou game anyway.
kristina: Yeah, like any of us will be watching this. Silly Freese, leaving Mizzou for South Alabama. (Yes, I know that’s not entirely how it was, but anyway, I’ll stop the baseball talk before we get to “that” game Chris will refuse to acknowledge) Aw, Dak is gone? That was one of the best SEC names. More cowbell, I’ll take State.
Chris: State is going to put a hurt on South Alabama and Dan Mullen will smile like the big goober that he is. Hey Mullen! My friend ran faster than you in Boston, HA. But seriously, thanks for raising charitable funds, but still, Rhonda done whooped you. #neverforget.
Season Poster Breakdown: Points for the year being correct and there appears to be quite a bit of shouting, but no bell? Come on that’s your entire thing. Also, the paint on the sides looks like my brother’s yearbook photo from 1994, I guess it’s not a star wipe, but its close!
Mizzou at West Virginia, Saturday, September 3 at 11:00 AM
Fox Sports 1/FoxSportsGo
Let the Odom era begin!!! Seriously, who’s not completely going stir-crazy insane right now, we’re less than 48 hours away?! Keep repeating to yourself “we’re going to have an awesome season” and if that starts to not happen, well kids, tequila exists for a reason. Remember, no good story starts with “well, I had a salad........”
Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1, like you even had to ask. M-I-Z!
kristina: I’m all about the kool-aid, and if we don’t disagree on something, how boring. Mizzou wins. Would prefer a tad later start time though. Are Ikea’s food offerings any good? It’s really weird to have a furniture company promoting a salmon sandwich on the back of its catalog.
Chris: We’re back baby!!! Let the couches burn because Mizzou is coming to town and we’ve got a whole new coaching staff, new attitude and new haircuts! Fun story, DeMonte Cross lived in my dorm my freshman year as did Caldrinoff Easter among others. We called him Delmonte, and he didn’t outwardly mind. Anyway, many people have a feeling Mizzou pulls the upset, but I’m not convinced. Mizzou loses a close one and I scream at someone at Ikea to deflect my anger because processing is hard for me and I don’t have access to Mac6’s phone…yet.
Season Poster Breakdown: Good lord this is bad. A bunch of people making up a Tiger head? That’s the best we could come up with? I mean it’s not South Carolina or Tennessee bad, but this is lower tier poster work here. Hell, it doesn’t even look like a schedule poster unless you have 40/10 vision. Hopefully it’s not an indication of the season ahead. And honestly, did overalls guy have to be included? We’re fighting a battle against the stereotype that all Missourians are farmers.
#16 UCLA at Texas A&M, Saturday, September 3 at 2:30 PM
Oh this is juicy, what a game to start the late afternoon with. You’ve got my attention Aggies, all eyes on you. They say Sumlin’s on the hot seat and this game could push him one way or the other. Also, Kyle Field has been recently renovated and they’re showing off the new digs. You know who was involved with that right? Bowen, formerly of Mizzou, so knowing that, I expect the whole thing to fall apart before anyone steps inside the behemoth.
Scale of Watchability: Defcon 2 people, this is not a drill! Why isn’t it 1? Well just check out the game that starts at the same time in the slot below, that’s why. Seriously a damn good game to start your Saturday afternoon when you’re a few beers deep.
kristina: Wait, didn’t they just renovate it like a few years ago? And now students can’t stand on the bleachers? Slight drama with UCLA’s QB somewhat having a “meh” stance on noise levels once you hit 50K fans, but granted, if you can’t hear, you can’t hear. UCLA.
Chris: Man, I want to take UCLA because I have an inherent need to defend the West Coast teams, but Snoop’s son is no longer involved with the program so that hurts a bit, and A&M is opening their newly expanded stands…I don’t know! F it, UCLA because conference solidarity is stupid.
Season Poster Breakdown: If one exists, we can’t find it, literally anywhere. So, it stinks. We’ll assume this wallpaper is the closest thing, and yeah, show the stadium / 12th man thing, but boring. Holy hell, give me back my html view. NOW.
#5 LSU at Wisconsin, Saturday, September 3 at 2:30 PM
Lambeau hosts a college football game, and why isn’t this game being held in January? Way more amusing to watch LSU players meet true winter. And the badgers love ‘House of Pain’, guess do what you do, which also seems to include a lot of drinking. There’s a thought, rank the SEC in terms of who boozes the most. I mean, not a shocker Wisconsin fans do, it gets too damn cold up there. I clearly had not had enough for last year’s Tennessee game, it was frigid.
Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1 for the time slot. You’re either super happy Mizzou won or downing craft beers that are not pumpkin flavored thinking our season is doomed.
kristina: Not naming Mizzou as the game of the day, I don’t even. Yup, going with LSU. I may watch this, but it’d be so much better with snow. Can’t be college football’s (main) opening day without a hype video!
Chris: This game may be the game of the day. Nope, it is the game of the day. If you read this series last year, you know I love me some Leonard Fournette, Leonard to his friends. I can’t wait to see what Fournette and the Tigers do to the cheese heads of Wisconsin. Hot take alert: JJ Watt is overrated. I’m taking LSU and wacky Les Miles, go other other SEC Tigers.
Season Poster Breakdown Offense & Defense: Wow, that’s a travesty. It looks like something I would make. LSU is too weird to have such a boring poster. I don’t care for it and demand they do it over tout de suite! (Editor’s note: Chris is so upset he didn’t realize LSU actually has two posters, one showcasing the offense and one for defense. Uh, I guess that’s okay but why? You’re not a damn special snowflake, LSU, you aren’t.)
Louisiana Tech at Arkansas, Saturday, September 3 at 3:00 PM
For all the good that exists on Saturday afternoon there’s this. Now, mind you, Arkansas has been known to blow random games early in the year, so that may be a thing that could happen. The Kool Aid Man coach enters an important season, much like UT is, so getting off on the good foot is important here. OH YEAH!
Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4 and make it snappy. Seriously, why are you watching this game when you have two other games that are yards better? Are you hurt and can’t get up, do you need me to call the police? Just blink if you’ve fallen and you can’t get up.
kristina: Arky, though I won’t be at all mad for a crazy upset here. And I learned Ark-La-Tex is a thing. Kind of catchy. And now I want shrimp creole.
Chris: Tim Rattay isn’t walking through that door, so Arkansas is the pick and Bielema gets so worked up about something his shade of face color ends up matching his shirt and we all have a good laugh.
Season Poster Breakdown: Another poster that doesn’t appear to exist. So in my head it’s Mike Anderson waltzing away with a suitcase of money with a dollar sign on it.
#18 Georgia vs #22 UNC, Saturday, September 3 at 4:30 PM
This game is in the Georgia Dome, so you know a home game if you’re Georgia. This game also feels like it should happen more frequently. There is no rivalry but it just feels right, kind of like a nice pair of slacks, the very pants you were planning to return. Anyway, anytime two power 5 teams get together on the opening week we golf clap and get excited. Should be a good one, so you know, watch it.
Scale of Watchability: Defcon 2 please and thank you. This is a nice game to break up the morass that is the games directly before and after this. It should be interesting and could hold your attention until you get to the early nightcaps. Also, the booze will go down smoother.
kristina: Have the UNC fans gotten over the basketball loss yet? Just wondering. (That game was so much fun.) Georgia, and just to be safe, I won’t DVR this one. They lose when that happens, and we don’t talk about what happens when I watch a Georgia gave live.
Chris: This looks tempting, two ranked teams, right around half time of the previous SEC games, not too bad. I’m not sure how either teams are ranked but hey, I don’t know a lot of things. Like why people who pump your gas in Oregon or New Jersey are so pissed at you for not knowing what the process is. Anyway, let’s take UNC because I don’t trust Kirby Smart. The only Kirby I care for is Kirby Puckett, he could swing it. RIP.
Season Poster Breakdown: Hey look, it’s Nick Chubb and some other guys. Yeah, I’m not loving this, but at least they didn’t highlight their new coach for some reason. All those guys look serious, come on, lighten up, you live in Georgia, things could be worse, it could be Idaho. Potato skins only exist so you can heap all those wonderful toppings upon them.
Southern Miss at Kentucky, Saturday, September 3 at 6:30 PM
Mark Stoops can recruit the hell out of the players that Urban Meyer and Jim Harbaugh don’t want in Ohio. Just ask him! Anyway, this is going to have to be the year for Kentucky or the Stoops experiment is over, done, dead, finito. Southern Miss is tough too…be careful…
Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 3. This is generous but there’s not much else going on in the SEC at this point so it gets a 3 and not a 4, but really this is filler before the nightcap, like an amuse bouche but not nearly as flavorful or good.
kristina: Clearly, Chris watches cooking shows, something I’m pretty sure my other half would prefer I would as well. Meh. I’ll agree on the upset just ‘cause. (Yes, my takes appear first but are usually thrown in there last ‘cause I am clearly not SEC speed.)
Chris: I love Southern Miss in this game, take ‘em and enjoy the upset. You’ll blow your friends minds with this pick. Somewhere Donnie Tyndall is weeping and wondering how it all went wrong. Everything UT touches turns to ash…turn down for Tyndall one more time.
Season Poster Breakdown: What exactly is Kentucky making a stand against? And standing with the flag in the background no less! Unrealized expectations and potential? Those UT end zone shoulder boards? And what’s eating their teammates in the mist? I hope it’s a wild mongoose. (A reminder, take nothing we say seriously. But if you haven’t quite figured that out by now, there’s no help for you.)
UMass at #25 Florida, Saturday, September 3 at 6:30 PM
SEC Network/Watch ESPN
Man, this game, it may be the worst of the day. At least the State game will have something going for it. But watching the defensive minded Gators taking on whatever UMAss does could not be less interesting.
Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. This is prime napping time. You need an hour to sleep before the night cap, or an hour for dinner with your family to show that, hey, you do care about them and yes, you do exist.
kristina: UMass has a football team? (I kid, I kid.) Is this where we start arguing whether another team can gator chomp? Del Rio played ping pong with NFL players, huh. (That sport was hilarious to watch in the Olympics.) Florida.
Chris: BO-RING! Honestly, I can’t imagine watching this game. Florida was bad on offense last year and they come in this year with a new QB that’s bound to be not super great at first. You’re not Brad Smith rando UF guy! That all being said, Florida will roll and I won’t watch a minute of this game.
Season Poster Breakdown: Again, nice use of the year, and colors. But when did the Swamp leave exactly, and where did it go, did it have a nice time? Is this like when Mizzou left the Big 12 and then moved south into the SEC? That kind of back?
Well congrats on your return, your poster is dumb.
#20 USC at #1 Alabama, Saturday, September 3 at 7:00 PM
Well. Yeah. So this is a great game with tons of intrigue and a lot to like. You’ve got Bama in defend the title mode. You’ve got internet troll extraordinaire Lane Kiffin taking on the school he took over after bailing on UT and Jerry Jones because any game in Jerry World will involve the world’s oldest philanderer in some way. Seriously, a great game to begin your evening. You’ve not left the couch for the entirety of the day, why start now?
Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 1. This should go without saying. Game is good and game recognizes game. Hopefully it’s an instant classic and not some spanking that’s over by halftime.
kristina: I’m really tempted to take USC here, but can’t get too crazy, it’s just the first week. I want to trade birthdays with Saban. This will be the well-timed “bedtime book during a commercial” to get the kiddos asleep so I can resume my football watching.
Chris: I mean, how do you bet against Nick Saban? What if you miss? Now, don’t get me wrong, Bama going down would be very enjoyable but I don’t think it’s happening and neither do you, do you?
Season Poster Breakdown: The fact that ring hat guy isn’t included just makes me hate the poster. It’s also boring. Just a bunch of dudes trying to stare into my soul and haunt my dreams…no thanks!
#2 Clemson at Auburn, Saturday, September 3 at 8:00 PM
Another damn good night game. Also, it’s an orange out. Auburn asked their fans to wear orange to this game, against a team that’s fans primarily wear orange. What am I missing. If you’re color blind, this game is going to be problematic. Oh Auburn, you guys are doing us all wrong.
Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 2. It’s not 1 because the Bama game takes that slot and we’re assuming you only have one television on at once. Sure you’re streaming this but the big game on the big TV in your big life is the big Bama game.
kristina: Clemson, and hopefully they wear the funky purple uniforms. Leave the orange to Tennessee.
Chris: BO-RING! Man, what a chance for Auburn and their coach to get off on the good foot. Opportunity is knocking and it’s time to answer the door war eagle tiger people. But that’s all irrelevant since Clemson is gonna roll you. Then it’s post game festivities at Eight Ball’s house.
Season Poster Breakdown: They’re gonna earn it people! Gus is going to earn it, and the other guys are too, such focus and determination! You can’t help but know that earning will be happening, so much earning. Clearly this poster is just super dumb, and they’ve earned this critique.
#11 Ole Miss at #14 Florida State, Monday, September 5 at 7:00 PM
Well you’re closing out the long weekend and is there a better way than with some good football to really put the cherry on top of your holiday meal. Cherries are good…mmmmmm…cherries. Anyway, this should be a fun matchup that will keep you in the spirit of the weekend and all that is glorious.
Scale of Watchability: SEC Defcon 1. It’s what Monday night football should be, no NFL please, just college football, lots and lots of college football. Tomorrow you go back to work, but tonight you drink and praise the glory that is the real football.
kristina: Ole Miss, despite their crazy condiment preferences, mostly ‘cause anytime I don’t pick them they win anyway. (Logic is not part of the equation here, folks.)
Chris: Chad Kelly, he’s just a bit nutty you know? If you woke up at home and he was standing over your bed starting at you, would you be surprised? Probably not. He’s a weird, weird dude. But he can sling it, so he’s got that going for him. I’m taking Ole Miss because the crazy you know is better than the one you don’t.
Season Poster Breakdown: This looks like the poster you find in your guidance counselor’s office where people provide fake testimonials for the schools they’re going to. Big pass, HARD pass.
Picks for the Week
kristina: Tennessee, Vandy, State, Mizzou, UCLA, LSU, Arky, Georgia, Southern Miss, Florida, ‘Bama, Clemson & Ole Miss.
Chris: Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Mississippi State, West Virginia, UCLA, LSU, Arkansas, UNC, Southern Miss, Florida, Alabama, Clemson and Ole Miss
That will do it for this week, sit back enjoy the games and let us know how you’re spending your first week of college football!