In-State Recruits Abducted
The University of Missouri football team recently lost contact with long-time recruit and Kansas City-area native, Jafar Armstrong. According to Bill Connelly -- Rock M Nation's founder and in-state recruiting truther -- he (Armstrong) is the third in-state wide receiver to vanish from the state of Missouri in the past year. While fans are understandably upset at the very idea of losing in-state recruits, they can take solace in the fact it's for a rather logical reason: aliens. Yes, aliens; and Coach Barry Odom has definitive proof. According to Odom, signs of alien invasion have been popping up all over Missouri of late and he fears it will only get worse as the year goes on.
"I saw 'em. One minute they was right here, the next they was gone. Little green men stole my babies!" Odom would go on to say, "I have proof! They're all over the St. Louis area right now, snatching up kids. They're everywhere! Why won't anyone believe me?!"
So don't worry, Mizzou fans, it's not us. It's not Odom. It's most assuredly not the fact blue-chip schools like Ohio State, Notre Dame or Alabama have an edge in recruiting kids from all over the country. It's just a little alien abductin'.
"Yur no trueson!"
A 41 year old father of two became a local hero overnight thanks to these 3 words(?) on Twitter directed at a young football recruit: "Yur no trueson!" A recent de-commit from the University of Missouri was reportedly so moved by the Tweet, he re-committed to MU minutes later.
The REAL Reason Angelina Left:
Brad Pitt's Double-Life as a Mizzou Recruiter
It's true! We have the revealing photos of Brad stepping out with Missouri offensive coordinator Josh Heupel behind Angelina's back! Sources say they took upward of 20 recruiting trips together to exotic destinations such as Springfield, Little Rock, Bixby and Acapulco. Angelina was reportedly tipped off about Pitt's behind-the-back scheming by long-time family friend, Craig Kuligowski. It is also rumored she leaked Brad's schemes to friends, family and SEC coaches.
Yes! That Announcer DOES Hate Your Team
Good news! You're not crazy or irrational! That announcer whom you've always suspected of holding a nasty grudge against you and your team does in fact hate everything about you, your team and your way of life. It has been proven by science and Twitter that there is a world-wide, systematic effort to piss you off. Twitter scientists have revealed comments "I think he might of traveled there", "Oh, that was a nice catch, Ron, but I think his knee was down before he crossed the goalline" and "Hi, my name is Joe Buck" as clear indicators of bias, collusion and treason. For proof that you were right all along, click the link below.
This Just In: Mizzou Basketball 3 Years to Live
Shocking details reveal Missouri is bad at basketball and will never recover. Story to come.
Guys, there is no Rock M National Signing Day Enquirer…. yet.