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The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 6 of the SEC

Bulldogs, Tigers and Mormons, Oh my!

defcon

Listen fans (fan, mom, is that you?!) if college football players that merely get a stipend and exploitation from Universities that make millions off their efforts can have a bye, then so can two “writers.” We took a break for a week, and what a week it was! Mizzou looked somewhat less than hideous, but still terrible, and Bama just keeps on Bama’ing. Had we had made picks I can tell you that we would have been 100% correct on our picks and the banter would have been stellar. Alas, we took the bye. But picks were made two weeks ago, and not too shabby! (Editor’s note: I mean, it can’t be the lazy fan’s guide if we don’t skip a week, right?)

Let’s see how we did…

Picker Results Overall Records
kristina 10 correct, 3 incorrect 40 correct, 21 incorrect
Chris 12 correct, 1 incorrect 50 correct, 11 incorrect

Look at those records. LOOK AT THEM! This whole enterprise may be tongue in rage filled cheek but if you listened to us you would be making money hand over fist. HAND OVER FIST. But you’re probably not and for that, well I’m just sorry for your wallet, which I hope doesn’t have any semblance of velcro in it. Because come on, you’re an adult now, it’s time to grow up. But seriously, we picked well and you can only assume that trend will continue…

To the Games!

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, October 14th 11:00 AM Mississippi State BYU The State of Mississippi SEC Network WatchESPN

Mississippi State has become quite ordinary, and as a Mississippi State fan told me, this is just foreplay before the baseball season when they can drive their cars/trucks/homes into the outfield, tailgate and watch their heroes hit a ball. Whilst pretending Palmeiro wasn’t juiced up and Will Clark isn’t well, let’s just say a super guy.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4! Is bad football better than no football? Well we’re going to find out. How does BYU keep ending up playing SEC teams randomly mid season? The other 11:00 AM game is much better!

Paired Drink: A Bellini. That’s a fruity drink that should ease you out of the haze of Friday night and into the morass of your Saturday morning…you drunkard you.

kristina: Again, where the hell is the gofundme for my dart board? Just ‘cause it’s one of the best SNL skits, moar cowbell and I’ll take State. Also ‘cause we beat BYU. Not sure that means anything.

Chris: So BYU is bad, State is clearly bad. Maybe all of college football is just bad. And I’ve always said watching two bad teams try and outscore each other can be amusing. I’ll take State because…jet lag? I know the BYU kids won’t be hungover, the State kids may, and the fans certainly will. Think you can vomit into a cowbell? Anyway, Bulldogs and may no one get escorted out for vomiting into a cowbell.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, October 14th 11:00 AM Tennessee South Carolina The Butch is getting fired Game ESPN WatchESPN

So, we’re not a legal team, hell or anything remotely close to that, so who knows if this will stay up / get pulled, but apparently South Carolina went all Star Wars with this week’s uniform preview. And can someone help explain what the hell a “leadership rep” is? Oh Butch, having a really good bye week probably means you’re not doing well. Uh, cause wasn’t our bye week really nice? Least we’re kind of staying under the twitter radar (hopefully?)

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3. It’s awfully early still, unless you’re all about the #voluntears, and that’s a perfectly fine position to be in, probably something better to do with your time. We can’t quite make it a four, as the line is fairly close.

Paired Drink: We did come across a boozed-up sweet tea, but since sweet tea is awful, we just can’t recommend it. If booze can’t fix a drink, it’s time to move on. It’s a bit rough for the morning, but hey, it’s at Tennessee. Moonshine. (Can’t drink all day if you don’t start first thing in the morning, right?)

kristina: I love making picks first and not remembering them ten hours later when I finally get around to writing about them. It would appear I chose South Carolina, and why not, ‘cause the more “Butch”isms that appear, dude is just not there.

Chris: So this may be the straw that breaks the Vols’ fans back if Tennessee can’t win at home over SC. And personally, I would love to see UT grind out a win by a point, say 6-4 and have their fans deal with Butch for another week, but it’s not happening. SC wins the game and Butch gets fired and Lane Kiffin and Derek Dooley sit somewhere and just laugh and laugh and laugh.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, October 14th 2:30 PM LSU #10 Auburn Ed O was in the Blind Side CBS CBS Sports

LSU is crazy. They make no sense. They lose at home, on homecoming to Troy, at night. Then they go to Florida and beat the Gators. I have no clue what’s coming next. Seriously, if the Tigers scored a touchdown and Shaq was the QB and Ben Simmons was the WR I wouldn’t be surprised. I’d just shrug, take a sip of something strong and move on.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. Let’s be clear, there are no really good games this Saturday in the SEC so we just roll with things here and this game while bad is better than what is happening at the same time in the SEC…so, yeah, average watchability.

Paired Drink: Bulleit Bourbon and one comically large Ice Cube. A really, really, big one. So big you don’t think it will even fit in your extraordinary glass. The kind cocktail snobs laugh at and make derogatory comments about. But guess what, those cubes are fun and make drinking even more fun than normal, so LAY OFF.

kristina: Auburn. Chris clearly is the type who ends up buying all the cheesy barware stuff. But it looks cool, I’ll give it that. Should use that mold for snowballs or something useful.

Chris: Yet again we have mascot confusion. And both of these Tigers are just some of the worst examples of costumery I’ve ever seen. One looks rabid, the other looks like its ready for a shave. And then there’s the War Eagle. What in the name of Dr. Moreau and his island is going on?! I’ll take Auburn and won’t be surprised if this gets out of hand fast.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, October 14th 2:30 PM Vanderbilt Ole Miss The other Mississppi SEC Network WatchESPN

So at least one of these team’s losing streaks will come to an end, the SEC, take away Alabama, is just having a hell of a year. Clearly all the schools should follow our lead and become basketball schools. We’re already playing Kansas, even with it just as a charity event? Craziness, we say. Neither has a particularly good defense, uh, we feel your pain?

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3.5. (It’s our damn post, we can throw in fractions whenever the hell we want to.) For movie and or poker buffs, that’s a stretch on one of the better lines from Rounders, but we digress.....as usual. The lines say it should be a close game, but it’s not going to be pretty by a long shot.

Paired Drink: Again, we at the LFG can’t remember everything, so if this is a redo, well, too bad. Let’s go with Mississippi Punch. No seriously, someone please try this and report back. It’s essentially a combo of cognac, bourbon, and rum. Have at it, kids.

kristina: I’m with Chris, this was a coin toss / no friggin’ clue. But it gives us some disparity and that’s always fun, until his team wins and my record goes to hell. Do they even still do their silly little hate week if the team isn’t doing well?

Chris: I have no earthly idea who will win this game and I have no earthly care either. I mean this is just garbage on garbage. And this garbage is taking place in Mississippi, and with that in mind I’m taking Vanderbilt. Because the SEC East has to look more than incompetent against the West at some point. Also, I’m not sure Ole Miss knows what it’s doing out there.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, October 14th 6:00 PM Florida Texas A&M Floriduhhhhhhh ESPN2 WatchESPN

Back in 2012 this was the other inaugural game of the SEC Expansion opening weekend, and A&M won! And the SEC rejoiced for a team that fit their “cultural identity” (which I won’t get into) won and took down Florida who had it coming. In the other game, Georgia beat up on Mizzou and hurt underappreciated James Franklin. And in that one moment, SEC fans and pundits got the narrative they wanted. Which is another reason to enjoy the 2013 and 2014 teams, their SEC East Championshhips really bug a lot of people.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. Again, this is not a good slate and this game is just weird. But you can watch it before the MIzzou game kicks off to distract you from the fact that you haven’t decorated your mailbox appropriately to make Joan down the street happy. LAY OFF JOAN, IT’S MY FIRST HALLOWEEN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Paired Drink: Kahlua and Ice. It’s so easy. Just some Kahlua, some ice and then let the drink take you to a magical and wonderful place. Or a dark place. Either way, whatever comes out of your body will be an interesting shade of black later that night and that’s fun!

kristina: I’m not sold on this “just” Kahlua and ice thing. Seems boring. Yeah, if sports can teach us anything, it’s the transitive property gets blown to hell. I’ll take Florida, and I’ll just assume I lose this one.

Chris: How did Florida lose to LSU who lost to Troy? RIDDLE ME THAT! I’m so confused. Is the West also crap, but the east is more crap? Well knowing what I know I’m going to take the Aggies simply because the east is more fragile than a Faberge Egg. I bet those are delicious…

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, October 14th 6:15 PM #1 Alabama Arkansas Elephants Stadium ESPN WatchESPN

I guess if you’re going to have a holiday birthday, Saban gets the best one with Halloween. That’s right, guys, it’s October, so none of this Thanksgiving or Christmas chatter & music, just stop. And not sure which is better, this tweet or the responses. Basically, Arkansas will have to play a perfect game and ‘Bama just not care, and lol, that’s not happening.

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3. I mean, we all know ‘Bama’s going to win, and the Mizzou game is coming up, so you’re either fixing some really good eats or just trying to get slightly buzzed ‘cause, well, we’re probably not going to win. Hey, less than a month until basketball starts! So if you want to watch at least one really good football team for a few minutes, have at it, ‘cause at post time they’re favored by 31. But it’s also fun to watch Arkansas get destroyed. I mean, hell, we even beat them!

Paired drink: It should probably be something hard as we prepare for watching our Tigers, but you don’t want to get too crazy and end up breaking your television when we give up a touchdown in the first minute or something. Eh, what the hell, let’s go with a seven & seven.

kristina: Have to agree until Alabama loses, it’s insane to pick against them, so Bama it is. One article mentioned Arky’s “meltdown at Mizzou.” I like it! Why did that not go viral? (Uh, or I just completely missed it.)

Chris: Anything I write here is a waste of time since Alabama isn’t losing until the playoffs. So in this space I will just type and type and type and type and then type for a little longer. Man, typing really sets me at ease. Maybe Arkansas can do that once their fingers all heal after they’re stomped upon by Alabama. Ah, wonderful typing…

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, October 14th 6:30 PM #4 Georgia Mizzou The far less historically significant Athens SEC Network WatchESPN

So last week Mizzou lost, but they didn’t do so in a fashion that made Mizzou fans as upset in previous weeks and that allowed writers to compose articles speaking to the fact that maybe, just maybe Mizzou isn’t that bad. Ignoring the fact that Kentucky is the only team that Mizzou might be as bad at. Ah sunshine pumping, it’s fun no?

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 2. It’s Mizzou capping off a terrible SEC weekend so yeah, we’re going to watch it. It’s better than the alternative.

Paired Drink: Just grab a bottle of anything, a glass (preferably a big one) and just keep pouring that booze into that glass until the pain goes away. Because my friends this is going to be a curb stomping of epic proportions.

kristina: All I can say is I won’t watch it so we at least have a chance! (For those new to RMN or the LFG, the joke is I didn’t see Mizzou’s win over Georgia live, and then by the time I decided to check it out, well, our DVR went out so it was gone, forever.) But seriously, I’m afraid to watch this one. Then again, after watching the last Blues’ game, I’m afraid to watch that as well. Huh.

Chris: So Mizzou and Kansas are going to scrimmage! That’s a lovely first step towards playing each other on the regular. I welcome this change! Some people like to say the rivalry got too toxic and that the break was good. To that I say, poppycock and balderdash. The people that made the rivalry unpleasant are still around and they are making other Mizzou games unpleasant. Like this weekend, we will get annihilated by Georgia and those people that ruin the sports rivalry will threaten the life of the UGA mascot because they are horrible awful people. We should shoot them into space…Georgia wins and why can’t it be basketball season already?


Again, these posts can be wordy and for those of you that don’t like all the words, here’s the meat of it...

Picker SEC Winners SEC Losers Non Con Winner (if selected)
kristina State, SC, Auburn, Ole Miss, Florida, Alabama, Georgia Tennessee, LSU, Vanderbilt, Texas A&M, Arkansas, Mizzou None
Chris State, SC, Auburn, Vanderbilt, Texas A&M, Alabama, Georgia Tennessee, LSU, Ole Miss, Florida, Arkansas, Mizzou None

To say we feel refreshed and full of enthusiasm would be an understatement! We hope you enjoyed our post bye week article and that you have a great Football Saturday, enjoy these last breaths of fall before winter takes us all into it’s cold embrace and everything gets dark and bitter...