The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 9 of the SEC Season

Well, well, well. Yes, maybe last week was the easy week, perhaps it was. And perhaps the SEC gods smiled down upon us. But reflect. Let’s pause. In this space I would intro a little something something. But this week? No sir, No ma’am. Why you ask? Because check out last week…, look at it, LOOK AT IT!

I mean, come on. That’s straight butter my friends. We’ve never both been right on, the entire time. This isn’t a sex panther situation, where it works 100% of the time, 60% of the time. This is whatever animal that’s been objectified 100% of the time, 100% of the time. I mean, this is straight cash homey! Get on board or get left behind baby!

Can we keep it going two weeks in a row? Sadly, no. We are on different wave lengths, but that doesn’t mean one of us won’t go 100%, so read on, find that cabbage, make that kimchi.

As a bonus, we’ll be giving you a paired Halloween Candy for each game because it’s Halloween, sort of! (Editor’s note - ‘cause I made him add it back in as we had agreed on it, for shame!)

To the games!

You know those mornings, where you wake up after an evening of eveningness and you just kind of are hoping for the best and then you get the bad end of things but not the worst of it. I’m talking the, damn, I went out last night and I over did, and this morning should be horrible, but it’s not, but it is still bad? Yeah, that’s this game. Just the dry heaves of morning football…I’M AN ARTIST WITH WORDS!

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3! I get that this is the first game of the day, and I get you want to watch football, but come on. There are leaves to rake and Halloween decs to hang or bury or whatever. Do something else, while also doing this…sounds like college.

Paired Drink: Coors Light. That’s right, straight up, tapped from the Rockies Coors Light. It’s like you’re drinking beer but not, just like watching this game.

Paired Candy: Necco Wafers! And the fun size one, not even full sleeve. I mean, it’s just chalk that’s been dyed in food coloring and it’s barely candy and not worth eating, like this game. (Editor’s note - in all my years of trick-or-treating, I did not receive whatever the hell those things are, not once!)

kristina: And here’s where we explain to our new readers, lol like those exist, that a sober Chris is like a drunk anyone else. (And this is also where I comment that I really do need more coffee after trying to edit the damn preview, and sadly, on more than one occasion.) Ole Miss, though, whoops, completely missed the fact their starting QB is out for the season.

Chris: Did you hear the good word? Kool Aid man’s buyout is not nearly as bad as expected! Rejoice Arkansas fans! You can fire your novelty coke can of a coach and only have to worry that you won’t be able to cover the patented Mike Anderson I’m gonna leave bonus every two years, ‘cause Jimmy Sexton. Ole Miss is gonna get it done and somewhere, somehow a red cup is flipped in anger.

If you’re just skipping over the game details part, you’re missing some location gems. Got to keep you kids on your toes, right? So this year, SBNation had fans submit their craziest “largest” outdoor cocktail party stories. I mean, we know we shouldn’t speak of them, but our karma threads make these look like rookies. Stealing a golf cart? Come on, who hasn’t done that? Someone threw a beer on you? The horror! Step up the game, y’all.

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3. A couple of the other games at this time slot should be closer / better viewing, but hey, conference solidarity, or something like that. We’d give it a four, but the chance for rain at least could make it a little entertaining. Water ball!

Paired Drink: How can it be called that when there’s an anti-drinking game!?? (uh, why did we not come up with that for the last three years of our basketball games?) We’ll go with strawberry ginger punch. Mostly ‘cause of the Tone Lōc reference, as any large batch cocktail drink just seems overly sweet.

Paired Candy: Candy corn. I mean, super sweet drinks and a sickly sweet candy? Why not? (Editor’s note - truly, they’re awful.) And just like Swedish fish, who the hell knows what’s all in them.

kristina: So a few Florida’s players have thrown some trash talk Georgia’s way. I mean, if you pull the upset, that’s fine. But against an undefeated #3 ranked team seems, uh, less than ideal.

Chris: It’s the world’s biggest cocktail party according to these two schools…and it’s taking place in Jacksonville…Jacksonville Florida. Nope, not buying it. I imagine this is the world’s biggest cocktail party for people that weren’t invited to the actual cocktail party. I KID! I don’t. Georgia continues its roll to Atlanta and their weirdly shaped stadium that keeps setting MLS attendance records. Take that non soccer heads!

You know, you may remember in fact, at some point these two teams looked like, maybe, just maybe these two teams would challenge the east leader whoever that was for the division title. And then reality set in. Honestly, come on…Mizzou had a chance to Kramer the SEC East, fall ass backwards into it by sheer luck. Whatever, this isn’t about Mizzou, this is about two schools going in the wrong and less right direction. Avert your eyes!

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. Watch the Penn State-Ohio State game instead, seriously, do your brain and eyes a favor…they deserve it. This is straight dross!

Paired Drink: Plastic Bottle Rum and Off brand Cola. Yeah, you can tell your friends you’re having a Bacardi and Coke (the original and only Cuba Libre) but we all know you’re rocking some off brand drink because, well that’s what this game is.

Paired Candy: Those candies that are in the wrappers that look like strawberries. They stink, are not good, and served at every meeting function and handed out at the terrible houses. Don’t be that house.

kristina: This will not be pretty football. But hey, good thing ‘cause style points are useless. South Carolina and I’m not confident in my pick at all. RC Cola is the worst. See, that’s why we trick-or-treat in a particular subdivision. Brand-name full sized candy bars and booze for the adults. Talk about a win-win.

Chris: Cockaboose! I’m going with the Litte Jerry Seinfelds against the TI-85s. I won’t watch a second of this game, it’s really only for their fans and the Bill C’s who are paid to expose themselves to the rays of ‘orrible football.

Wasn’t last week fun? Yes, we destroyed a really not good - even worse than us football team, but SO MUCH FUN. Let’s be honest though, raise your hand if, after the first three minutes, you were already slamming down a beer or ten and/or ready to break your tv. But then we remembered how to call the TD play. At least with two good offenses and two sub-par defenses we’ll beat the 9-6 score from our previous meeting. Rack up those points! (And what a wonky way to end up at 9-6 at that!)

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 1. You know the drill, it’s our tigers! We might actually win two in a row, that’s, well, a start?

Paired Drink: Go with a nice, lighter craft beer. Something, if the game goes like last week, you can enjoy while watching, but if things turn south, slamming a few won’t have you passed on on the floor amidst the dirty clothes pile. Just, for the love of anything, nothing pumpkin spice. Hell, there are probably pumpkin spiced cheez-its now.

Paired Candy: Mini-reese’s peanut butter cups, just ‘cause they’re awesome, like our basketball team will be! Less than two weeks, people!

kristina: We should start referring to Chris like that all the time. One of these days, I’ll catch him either tired or drunk and we can make another bet, I need some (free) champagne. (They make that in California, right? I kid, I kid.) Why would you ruin that with orange juice? Uh, Mizzou. ‘Cause if we lose to UConn..........yeah, we’re full on a basketball school.

Chris: WINNING STREAK!!! Everything is great again! We beat a crap school from the state that brings you the greatest bowl game according to the Rock M Nation French Writer about Basketball guy’s father…ME! Man he loves that bowl game. Anyway, I don’t care about anything but Mizzou putting a hurt on UConn, because they’re fans are the worst. Also, Kevin Ollie at the Capital One Bank Arena (formerly Verizon Center, formerly MCI Arena) threw papers in frustration at an official and I laughed and laughed.

#disappointment. I mean, that’s right on Twitter guy. Both teams thought they had a chance and then, they blew it with crap losses along the way. But take solace in this fans of State and A&M, you totally could have finished second in the SEC east instead of somewhere between 4^th and 7^th in the West, where it just means more…with a greater degree of difficulty.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3. Because the other half of the SEC night cap is just, well, words that I care not to use in a public forum.

Paired Drink: Upside down Margarita. Have you ever had one of these? They make everything better. Get a Coronita, a strong glass, place it in the Margarita and welcome to flavor town. You deserve it if you’re watching this game.

Paired Candy: Full Size Hershey Bar! It’s big, tasty and an immediate crowd pleaser. Just so good, and you should count yourself lucky if you get this, and if your kids do, well take it from them. (Editor’s note: dark chocolate, ‘cause it’s better and probably less chance your kid cares it’s “missing”)

kristina: State, and yet another pick I just don’t like / toss-up. Just please don’t make margaritas with sweet & sour, just don’t. Just remember, if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!

Chris: I like the aggies in this one, because while they are quite annoying with their practiced cheers and rehearsal, at least they’re not going to bang a bell in my ear all night and you know for that, I thank you Aggie fans.

So at least one of these gets a win after a rough last week. Kentucky got destroyed by State, and well, Tennessee played ‘Bama so you can guess how that went. I mean, let’s be honest, ‘Bama’s going to figure out how to win even while being on the bye week. Tennessee’s down a couple of players after being caught with pot, seriously, if you’re going to, make sure your headlights all work and the car’s registration is valid. Uh, I mean, don’t do illegal stuff either, kids.

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 4. It’s not a five in case of our always loved #voluntears. We’re not good, but at least we can score a touchdown here or there.

Paired Drink: Generic light beer. It’s not very good, and neither are these teams. Plus, it’s cheap! Well, unless you go all out BST. (Yet another person who would have way better party stories than that silly outdoor nonsense.)

Paired Candy: That generic and usually hard as hell bubblegum that is immediately pushed way back into the pantry ‘cause it’s just not good. That or bit-o-honeys. You’re going to lose a tooth messing with those things!

kristina: Kentucky. Keep this streak of Tennessee not running the touchdown play going, what are we on, seven halves now? Plus, they’re down their best running back.

Chris: Well isn’t just the andes mint single serving chocolate desert for the end of the night. I mean, what did we deserve to get this? What’s funny, is I’m pulling for Butch just to upset the Vols fans. JOHN GRUDEN IS NEVER COACHING YOUR TEAM…EVER! Go Vols!!!! May the misery continue.

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Now, I know, so many Words and Seinfeld links, apologies...here are our picks that are seriously like The Giving Tree without the morals...

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Thanks for sticking with us Mizzou fans, we’re in the homestretch before we can ignore all this and just enjoy the greatness that is MPJr and the Tillmonness of Jerimiah.

If you want none of this football, spend the weekend on our very own Kevin Ross’ Stranger Things 2. I have seen none of it yet, but I know it’s awesome.

Enjoy the other games, eat your kid’s candy, neglect your vegetables and we’ll chat next week!!!