The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 10 of the SEC Season

My friends, I have terrible news...they’re baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! What would never happen in the Big 12 (or any other major conference for that matter) is staring at us right in the face this week, worts and all. It’s the random nonconference match-ups against paycheck teams in the SEC again! Oh SEC, why must you do this to us?! We’ve been bouncing along for the past couple weeks enjoying some conference action with nary a directional college to be found (what Mizzou was doing doesn’t count, we needed those games to get the hopes of our fans up again) and then bam, we’re right back in the dog days of early September without the benefit of the sun and warmth.

No, we’re stuck on teams like UMass coming south for some inexplicable (it’s totally explicable) reason the first weekend of NOVEMBER. Get it together SEC. Let’s just resolve to bang out all the crap non con games in September, mmmmkay? Great.

Anyway, last week was a bumper week for kristina, and I became bad at making picks again. (Editor’s note: Clearly I missed out on the week to make a booze bet on our picks.)

Let’s see how we did…

Oh the horror!!!! Well, sometimes you get the bear and sometimes you pick wildly incorrectly. Except in kristina’s case who picked very correctly. Looks like the tables have turned and I am getting back to crap. It was fun while it lasted. For your money making purposes, follow what kristina has to say and just ignore my picks. (Horrible idea, kids!) Will this weekend by any better? I have no idea! Let’s find out...

To the games!

Good Morning Texas...A&M! What has happened to your season? Just two months ago, there was talk of bowls and parades and revelries (not the Collie). And now, it’s all crap. It’s gotten so bad you’re talking Manziel to be a part of whatever coaching staff you bring in. I say try and steal Tom Herman, that would really stick in Texas’ craw.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3! There are four 11:00 AM (for you central time people) games this weekend which should tell you all you need to know about the quality of this week’s games. But it’s still SEC on SEC action, so that means something...maybe more?

Paired Drink: Titos and Lemonade. I’m not sure what this would be called, but you’re having some texas vodka and some lemonade and your tears for what could have been will just flow in seamlessly.

kristina: Auburn. Last time we had (straight) tito’s was a friendly reminder I should just probably not do shots anymore.

Chris: I mean, it’s just the pounding drums of the death march for the A&M coaching staff. And Auburn is going to bang one more nail into that coffin. Poor Kevin Sumlin, we hardly knew ye...no sir....

Moar cowbell! Enjoy this game, bulldogs, ‘cause you get Alabama next week. Already bowl eligble, gee must be nice. State’s looking a lot better than last year, when they tried to give up the game to UMass, and at publish time, the odds have it at a 28 point spread. Ouch. Though it was nice to hear UMass’s QB Ford was released from the hospital ‘cause yeesh, that was a hell of a hit.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 5. We all know what game we’ll be watching around this time, and hell, if you can’t beat Tennessee, you really aren’t going to beat State.

Paired Drink: The stale can of beer you forgot all about the night before.

kristina: State. I mean, guess they could find this a trap game given ‘Bama’s coming to town next week, but still can’t see an upset, esp. if Ford’s still out.

Chris: Man I hate these games, though on the one hand they are very easy to ignore, on the other, it’s November and this is not a good November game, for anyone. Go ahead State, take your win, UMass, take your check and move on.

Oh man, oh man, oh man! We’re back! Mizzou is so marvelously back. We’re going to win every game the rest of the way, we’re going bowling, we’re going to build a statue of Barry Odom on every corner and the next four Saturdays will become holidays in Mid Missouri from here on out!!!! It’s that good people!!! Or maybe, we all just relax and realize, we haven’t beaten anyone of consequence? Nah, IT’S LOCKTOBER, LOCKVEMBER, LOCK2018!!!!

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1! You will watch this game or we’ll send wild packs of bees to your homes and they always mean business.

Paired Drink: A red eye! MGD, an egg and some tomato juice, just like in Cocktail. I assume you haven’t slept because you’re just too damned excited for this game!!!

kristina: I’ll be the good little Mizzou fan and say, somehow, we win, which is quite silly since we haven’t really beaten anyone good. Then again, Florida’s not that good. Uh, logic!

Chris: Listen, I don’t want to pump the brakes on the sunshine express, but I am not believin’ until we beat someone, someone like Florida. Then I will totally not stop believin’. But I think Florida wins a close one and Barry Odom lights something else on fire, perhaps the awful sweatshirts he wears on the sidelines. Get a coat or something! You look like 4th grade me man!

So Western Kentucky is one win away from being bowl eligible, while Vandy, well, hasn’t been very good lately. Guess that’s what happens when your fans yell “We want ‘Bama” and then you get completely destroyed. Be careful what you wish for, kids. Maybe if WKU gets the upset we can get an updated “they ‘spose to be SEC” meme.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. Again, we’re all watching our game (and/or it’s gotten so out of hand you’re already passed out on the patio), so who’s really going to pay attention to this one?

Paired Drink: Bourbon! What else would you have while watching schools from Kentucky and Tennessee? Four roses is pretty tasty. Got to go small batch, though.

kristina: What the heck, let’s go with Western Kentucky. I’m seriously ruining my streak of good picks.

Chris: It’s another craptacular game in the SEC cross divisional series of garbage. Vanderbilt gets the early morning win and then can focus on the greatness that is Bryce Drew. Love him. Oh and for Sam S, RICK STANSBURY IS A CHEATER AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!!!! Happy dude?

Holy hell, Georgia the number 1 team in the entire land. Can you believe that. For that we Mizzou fans say, “You’re Welcome!” Without our close game, well would you be where you are right now? Doubt it. Anyway, this could be a trap game for UGA coming off that big announcement. To be the best you have to play like the best and that means winning in the other Columbia.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1! This game is sneaky, sneaky good. In the past (our recent past) Georgia has kind of flailed and messed up big moments like this, so can they get that monkey off their backs, or do they totally and completely Georgia the hell out of this? I can’t wait to see!!!

Paired Drink: Aperol Spritz! This is so easy to make, relatively cheap, and if you’re a Georgia fan, great for tailgating. Get some Aperol, get some Prosecco, mix them together and there you go. Drink until your heart’s content, or you puke from too much Prosecco.

kristina: Prosecco is some tasty stuff. Uh, cause someone STILL hasn’t sent me some actual champagne. Georgia.

Chris: Man, I would love, just love to see Georgia screw this up, because, well it would be amusing to me. But I think they get it done. This Georgia team seems to rise and fall to the occasion presented to them and I don’t get the impression they want to screw this up. But it’s close!

So somehow Kentucky is bowl eligible (did y’all forget you’re a basketball school, but hey, we’ll take that moniker over, no problem.) By now we’ve either beaten Florida and can “kind of” entertain six wins, or you’re on beer number twelve. But thanks for the #voluntears last week, Wildcats.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 2. It should be a close game, and what else do you have going on the afternoon? (Uh, well, given the midwest weather forecast, probably a lot.)

Paired Drink: As our names states, we’re lazy, so not sure if we’ve gone with this one, but the Kentucky Mule. Weather’s nice for the day, and it’s refreshing.

kristina: Huh, we’re not in agreement on quite a few picks this week, sounds like bad news bears for me. Didn’t quite pay attention to their records before making my pick. Eh, whoops?

Chris: Kentucky is just going to get into a bowl game and be the new us huh? Is Stoops the new Pinkel? Winning where you don’t win with good recruits? I can’t live with that possibility. They are supposed to be bad, bad, bad and we are supposed to be good, but we’re not. Anyway, the Wildcats are going to win because Ole Miss is an Ole Joke.

After that pleasant spell of games we’re back here...with this. This monstrosity of a game. Arkansas in the dead of the afternoon playing the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers. What is a Chanticleer? Does it matter? No. This game makes me want to go into a corner with a book, not a good, one, a bad one, one that just sucks the life out of you because that would be better than this.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 5! Nope. N-O-P-E. Do not watch this game. Don’t. You will age as a result of this. It’s like smoking a pack of cigarettes, in a minute. It’s that bad for you.

Paired Drink: Straight After Shock. Look, there are crystals and stalactites in there. Yup, this horror from the 90s will be the perfect salve for this game. If you’re going to watch garbage, you might as well drink it too.

kristina: Have to go Arky. Oh man, SO hasn’t touched After Shock since a particularly bad game (for him) of circle of death. Drinking games going poorly? You don’t say. Okay to be honest, the rest of us found it hilarious, not going to lie.

Chris: The Chanticleers mascot’s name is Chauncey and that makes me extremely happy. Arkansas wins but who cares? I’m not watching this and neither will you.

Well, congrats Tennessee, you may have lost but at least you figured out running the touchdown play again. Kudos to our Puma overlord for being mentioned in one of the preview articles, in which he has Southern Miss pulling out the win. As much fun as the #voluntears meme is, really can’t say much as, well, we don’t have an SEC win either. Misery loves company or whatever.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. Why would you want to watch this? The upset would be fun, but it’s still watching Tennessee. Then again, technically it’s not an upset if Southern Miss if favored. Talk about signs it’s not a great season. Either way, pass.

Paired Drink: Let’s go with a nice, stiff Scotch. Not sure it makes a whole lot of sense, but if your best bet for Saturday evening is watching this one, you’re going to need it.

kristina: Really, really wanted to go Southern Miss here, but sadly, did not. Uh, sorry Bill C.? I’m clearly not a Vols fan, but do you want a loss here to quicken the new coaching search?

Chris: The Butch Jones train limps on! Not to make a crazy move like Florida, UT has elected to I assume, let Butch finish out the season. Enjoy that Tennessee fans, because you’re going to win this game and then deal with smug Butch for another week. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Welcome to the SEC night cap and what a night cap! On paper. But this game will not be played on paper. It will be played on grass and that grass is in Alabama and it’s at night and its birthday week for Nicky. I see so much pain, so much, in LSU’s future.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1. It’s at a 1 because the game looks great, but by the half it won’t and LSU will look like that team that got Troy’ed I’m guessing. Still better than anything else you’ve got going on.

Paired Drink: Something called a Candy Corn “Martini”! Before we get started, a little rant for you. Just because you put booze in a martini glass, doesn’t make it a martini. Your “appletini” is apple drink in a fancy glass. NO MORE RANDOM USE OF MARTINI, let’s all work on this for 2018 people. Now, back to the horrible drink. You’ve got some candy corn lying around, you’ve also got some vodka. So combine those two magical things with pineapple juice and heavy cream and away you go. Let us know how it tastes...I bet great.

kristina: Saban has the best birthday “date” ever. I bet he likes to dress up and scare little kids. All business. The hell would you add candy corn to a beverage? Someone needs to scoot Chris out of the kitchen.

Chris: I want this game to be good, and that would just hopefully put a bow on what is a bad Saturday of SEC action but I think Alabama is going to knock some reality right back into LSU and this game will get out of control quickly. It’s not a loss to Troy, but you’re still going to be sad LSU fans...

---

For those that hate, just HATE, the written word and our prose, here are your gambling picks if you are the type that would use these picks for such activities:

---

And that will do it for this week’s edition of The Lazy Fan’s Guide. Hope you enjoyed it as much as all the candy you or your children got and then stole from them because of dentists or something. Let’s all pull our hardest for Ol’ Mizzou, and should they pull out the victory, let’s all raise a glass of Ol’ Mizzou vodka together!