In case you missed it, check out the previous edition of the Rock M Nation Enquirer!
Truman Creating Human CentiPorter
"This is only the First Sequence!" claimed University of Missouri mascot and resident evil scientist, Truman the Tiger, after Missouri Basketball landed new assistant coach Michael Porter, Sr. and his uber-talented son, Michael Porter Jr. According to Dr. Truman, the fusing of Porter's - or Porti (poor-tie) - is a revolutionary experiment with radical effects on Missouri basketball performance and season ticket sales. Those with intimate details of Truman's plan have confirmed to Rock M Nation Enquirer what the mascot has already stated publicly: basketball is back in Columbia!
"He's creating a monster. An athletic, smart, multi-talented, 8-headed basketball monster. It's… it's pretty damn cool. We're all pretty psyched about it, actually. M-I-Z! Whoooo! Z-O-U! We're going to the Final Four!" stated one rational Mizzou fan in the know with level-headed expectations.
Early reports say there may be up to 15 Porter kids in the pipeline, cloning is "not off the table", an army is "imminent" and Truman may have gone "completely mental."
Robin Pingeton's (Missouri Women's Basketball head coach) role in all of this has been called into question and attempts to fax her have gone unanswered. It is of many respected journalist's opinion that Pingeton set the wheels in motion from the start leading some to wonder if she has been pulling the strings all along, has also gone mad and whether or not she has in fact sold her soul to the devil.
*We here at Rock M Nation Enquirer fully condone the selling, trading and bartering of souls when it comes to the world of collegiate athletics… and donuts. "Mmm, forbidden donut." - Homer J. Simpson
Jim Sterk Makes Deal With Devil; Sells Soul for Success
Actual photos have surfaced of Missouri Athletic Director Jim Sterk taking meetings with the Devil himself behind closed doors. Sources say Sterk sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for long-term prosperity within Missouri's athletic department. If true, this would explain how Missouri was able to land Michael Porter Jr. and possibly his other siblings.
We here at Rock M Nation Enquirer realize this story somewhat contradicts our previous "Human CentiPorter" story, and for the record, we stand by both.
Cuonzo on Hot Seat in Tennessee… Again
Newly crowned Missouri basketball head coach Cuonzo Martin is reportedly already on the hot seat… in Tennessee… again. A "We Want Cuonzo Gonzo" hashtag has recently surfaced on Twitter and reports of Mizzou message board hacking's have been linked to Rocky Top booster clubs and likely Tennessee alum, Julian Assange.
When asked why Cuonzo still draws the ire of Volunteer Nation, one fan succinctly put it, "He took Purr's job!"
Yes, J'den Cox is Batman
3-time NCAA wrestling champion, Olympic bronze medalist and Mizzou Football hopeful J'den Cox will be hanging up his singlet and signature smile in exchange for a dark leather suit and brooding pout.
Official release out of J'den Manor: "I'm Batman."
Hey, if he wants to be Batman, I'm pretty sure J'den Cox can be Batman.
Tom Selleck Wants his Shorts Back
Ever wonder what was up with Sophie Cunningham's shorts and where the heck she got them? Well, according to Magnum P.I. star and frequent cover model of Mustache Aficionado, Tom Selleck; Sophie shaved his signature mustache while he was napping on Higgins' couch, stole his shorts along with his red Ferrari 308 GTS - which actually belongs to Robin Masters - and took off in T.C.'s helicopter. Do any of you understand these references?
With Cunningham receiving AP All-American Honorable Mention, there's reason to believe Selleck has concocted this shorts-caper in order to ride the coattails of her ever-growing popularity and fame - a la-var Ball. If you care to hear more allegations from Selleck, he will be appearing on First Take all next week.
Bat Boy Found Hiding in Dugout
Missouri Baseball rode a 20-game win-streak into Columbia a week ago only to fall short to SEC rival Arkansas. After the game, long time tabloid friend and thought-for-dead bat-faced child star, Bat Boy, was found napping on the dugout ceiling. Reports are Bat Boy was startled awake by shortstop Robbie Glendinning and screeched "LIFE CHAMPION" before flying away. His whereabouts are not currently known but rest assured Rock M Nation Enquirer will believe and report any and all information regarding his location. He is believed armed, dangerous and responsible for Mizzou's recent losses. Please call or email the information hotline with tips: 1-800-WHYBATBOYWHY or email@example.com. *Photographic evidence encouraged.
Idris Elba Cast in Cuonzo Biopic; Will Coach One Game
Big news out of Hollywood with direct ties to Columbia, Missouri! Acting star Idris Elba (The Wire, Star Trek Beyond) has agreed in principle to play Cuonzo Martin in his biopic, "Last Coach Standing". As soon as news hit, rumors began to swirl of Elba coming to Columbia for a sit-down with Martin and the possibility of coaching one game for "research" had been discussed.
Elba's agent clarified those rumors: "Yes, as part of Mr. Elba's research for the role, Cuonzo will allow him (Elba) to coach one game in his stead against Tennessee."
Interesting to see will be how long it takes Vols fans to realize it's not actually Cuonzo they're yelling obscenities toward.
Is Your Team Doing It "The Right Way"?
Church of Curmudgeonology founder L. John McGrath has found the Fountain of Decrepit Aging and wants to share it with you! To be eligible, however, your local sports team must be doing it the "right way."
But how do you know if your team is doing it the "right way?" Mr. McGrath says his handy-dandy Me-meters should do the trick. Just hold a couple seemingly functionless, inanimate objects in your hands while inserting a "significant" amount of cotton in your ears and a firm stick up your rectum. Then, read his News Tribune column on being out-of-touch with the world. "The answers you seek shall present themselves in due time. Now, get off my lawn" says Father McGrath.
The single most important aspect of Curmudgeonology according to Dr. McGrath, however, is the act of disconnection. If someone - preferably a teenager - says or does something you don’t like; immediately purge that person from your life, plug your fingers in your ears while loudly singing "LA LA LA LA LA" and begin his 9-Step Petty Process of Bitterness and Whining.
Be sure to join Lord McGrath this weekend for an early bird fireside chat about doing it "the right way" followed by a redundant lecture on Being Petty and Bitter in a Millennial World… The Right Way.
*Guys, most of this probably is not true.