The Final Four is Sinderella’s Ball and North Carolina is the evil stepmother

Welcome, welcome, welcome! Fans of the greatest series about almost nothing since Seinfeld, we are back for another installment of The Lazy Fan’s Guide. What is a weekly somewhat waste of your time during the College Football Season is back for three games before the College Basketball season ends on Monday night with “One Shinning Moment”, the greatest end to any sporting event ever.

Today we’re taking a look at the four teams that make up the Final Four of the 2016-2017 season, how they got here and who’s going to be moving on to battle for a trophy that a school will maintain and make millions off of, while the players get an everything bagel or two for their trouble, oh and school, school too.

#7 South Carolina (26-10) vs #1 Gonzaga (36-1) - 6:09 PM Eastern - CBS

How’d they get here?

South Carolina limped into the postseason but then got hot beating 10 seeded Marquette, 2 seeded Duke, 3 seeded Baylor and 4 seeded Florida.

Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

In that time, the Gamecocks have won with defense and made Frank Martin a human interest story that no one saw coming. He was a bouncer you know! The tale of Frank Martin accompanied on his journey by all SEC performer Sindarius Thornwell has been lovely, and no one is more in love than Rock M Nation’s very own Sam Snelling. We are not far off from seeing Sam, Frank and Sindarius riding around on a three person bike in Columbia east with the biggest damn smile on his face, at least in his dreams. And in some worlds, dreams do come true.

Gonzaga came into the post season suffering just one loss and then once into the NCAAs beat 16 seeded South Dakota State, 8 seeded Northwestern, 4 seeded West Virginia and 11 seeded Xaver.

Stan Szeto-USA TODAY Sports

On the other hand, Gonzaga has been a known commodity this entire season. They’re ranked number one in KenPom’s rankings and have been for most of the season. They win with defense and a whole mess of transfers (somewhere Frank Haith is smiling and Mizzou fans are still pissed!), oh and Bigfoot. One of those transfers is our very own Jonathan Williams III who left Mizzou and headed West two years ago because he didn’t come to school to lose, he came to win. Like South Carolina, the Dogs win with defense so the final score could be something like 13-12.

kristina’s take: On one hand, Frank Martin is entertaining as hell, and some antiperspirant company needs to sign/sponsor him—that shirt was completely soaked. On the other hand, damnit it’s been somewhat fun to watch JWIII be happy and successful. Oh, and thanks to the Zags for knocking out Xavier. Another year in the tourney without a final four berth. Uh, one good reason for not being in the tourney, Mizzou’s streak stays the same? And we all know that streak ends next year, am I right?

Chris’ take: I’m thinking that this game is going to be close all the way through. Both teams have marvelous players and both teams play sickeningly marvelous defense that if they weren’t so good on offense—would be called boring, like B1G boring, Wisconsin under Bo Ryan boring. But that all said, I’m thinking Gonzaga gets the win, 64 - 57, Mark Few gets to the finals and idiotic fan bases across the country convince themselves that they can hire him after their coach is fired next season. IT’S NOT HAPPENING CLEMSON!. JW3 goes off for 14 and 12, and somewhere Sam sheds a single tear...

#3 Oregon (33-5) vs #1 North Carolina (31-7) - Approx. 8:49 PM ET - CBS

How’d they get here?

Oregon: Hug that trophy, son! We’ll mention the whole path they took to reach this point, but let’s all be honest and focus on the one point that matters: They took out “1 seeded” Kansas in the Elite eight. (Really, though, it’s like a mad-lib now for your bracket entry. Just pick the mid-major or the team facing Kansas in the elite eight to knock ‘em out.)

Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

Prior to that, Oregon’s route was through 14 Iona, 11 Rhode Island (Go Rams!) & 7 Michigan before defeating the fake birds. They have this Canadian thing called Dillon Brooks who took a less than stellar flop back in January, but it’s March now, they’re in the final four, who cares? Just make the uniforms a little more day-glo please, and by the way, crush North Carolina. (Editor’s note: for some stupid reason, I have a friend who’s a UNC fan. Sorry, but it’s not happening, dude.)

We’d have more preview on Oregon but, let’s face it, they’re on the West Coast and those late games? Nobody has time for that. (Other editor’s note: Central time is still the best time. And just for our one lone reader, Mac, I’ll stand on whatever side of the escalator I want!)

Moving on...

North Carolina took out 16 Texas Southern, 8 Arkansas, 4 Butler, and finally, 2 Kentucky. Hey, just divide everything by two! (Sorry, we never said the jokes around here are funny.)

Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

Apparently Kentucky fans were not happy with the officiating, shocker. (We didn’t see most of that game, just going off the standard close loss meme of “bad calls.” Except for that phantom foul on Pressey. Man, he was fun to watch at times. If TP can feed MPJ like that UCLA game........okay, anyway.......they’re really good, a very storied program, but let the hate flow.

Chris’ take: I’m gonna be straight up, I don’t want UNC winning this game or the next one. And no, it’s not because my uncle who is at times unpleasant and closed minded played on the scout team there. They’ve won before, a bunch and I still don’t care for Roy, him and his ridiculous couch cover blazers. One jacket is fun, two is cute but when you make it a trend and you’re not Craig Sager, you look like a tool. Like some bro at a red solo cup party trying to make it appear he’s not trying but he really is. WE ALL SEE THROUGH CHET! Anyway, Oregon has yet to have a game where Dillon Brooks has really done anything and they’ve won all the same. Today, Brooks goes off and Luke May can go back to his day job of being a henchman for a Bond villain from the 70s, thinking “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.”

kristina’s take: I have to agree here, no UNC. BTDT enough, let someone else have a turn. Seriously though, all other coaches have never won a championship, spread the wealth. Oregon vs. Gonzaga in the finals, make it like at nine Pacific time and everyone has to stay up. Coffee sales = profit!

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That’s going to do it for us, we hope you’ve enjoyed this information and that you enjoy the games. We’ll be back Monday afternoon in anticipation of the Championship game.

Oh and before we leave you, let’s all take a moment to shout this from the rooftop, “MICHAEL PORTER JR IS COMING TO MIZZOU!!!!!!!!!!” (Come on, let’s be honest, that’s not going to ever get old for a while.) How excited and/or drunk are you going to be the next time Mizzou’s on tap for the selection show? It’s gonna be awesome!

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

This guy, this guy is wearing the black and gold next year, SERIOUSLY!!!

Enjoy the Final Four Internet People!