With Missouri Football's Black & Gold Spring Game fast approaching we here figured, "What the hell, let's write a little something about football. But what?" Then, as luck would have it, our SEC brothers down in Oxford, Mississippi (Ole Miss) decided to assign meaningless Bowl names to their regular season games. So I thought to myself, "what the hell, let's name some shit!"
And here. We. Go!
September 2: Mizzou vs Missouri State - StecMo Bowl
Longtime Missouri defensive coach, Dave "Stec" Steckel, returns to Faurot Field this fall as his Missouri State Bears take on the Tigers in their
pay-for-cupcakes game home opener. Stec's team is severely overmatched and should be dismantled rather quickly, however, this shouldn't stop us from welcoming him back with open arms and naming rights to the Tigers-Bears Bowl game known henceforth as, The StecMo Bowl.
September 9: Mizzou vs South Carolina - Super C Bowl
Yea, I know it's officially the "The Battle OF the Columbia's" but truthfully I've never been a fan that silly name. What am I fan of? Late 80's, early 90's Nintendo. Specifically, Super Contra - or, Super C if you're in the know. Here is something else I know: The Battle For Columbia will take place at the Super C Bowl!
September 16: Mizzou vs Purdue - Cuonzo Bowl
Presented without comment…
September 23: Mizzou vs Auburn - TIGhlandER Bowl
Presented without comment…
Actually, a few comments. 1) This is technically a 3-way Bowl series between "tiger" schools; Missouri, Auburn and LSU. The winner of each game gets to cut off the tail of the opposing team's mascot and, with it, gains immortal glory - and a tail, I suppose. 2) It's pronounced tie-lander. 3) There can be only one… TIGER!
October 7: Mizzou @ Kentucky - The Border Proxy War
Do Missouri and Kentucky share a border? Barely. Is UK similar to KU? Sure. Is Kentucky blue? Yes. Did this photoshop/bowl idea take little-to-no thought? Absolutely. Is that all it takes to create a new Border War? Apparently.
Until Kansas agrees to re-enlist in the Border War, Kentucky will serve in its place and be referred to merely as KU - no exceptions.
*NOTE: Admittedly, my Kansas hate-boat has all but sailed, however, many Mizzou faithful still feel quite bitter toward our former Border War buddies so, this is for them.
October 14: Mizzou @ Georgia - The Truth About Cats & Dogs Bowl
The loser of this Tiger-Bulldog showdown must dedicate 97 minutes of film room time to a viewing of 1996's The Truth About Cats & Dogs. The winner gets to meet Uma Thurman… possibly, but probably not. Though, I cannot imagine she's too terribly busy these days. Quick, name an Uma movie from the past decade! You can't, can ya? Unfortunately for her, it all went downhill after My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006). Sad!
October 21: Mizzou vs Idaho - The One Of These Teams Is Not Like The Other One Bowl
This one's just mean.
October 28: Mizzou @ Connecticut - COMO-CONN
Ah yes, it's that time of year where die-hard fans nerd out by engaging in football cosplay. Well, the game's proximity to Halloween may play a small role in the annual costume craze but I'd like to think COMO-CONN will produce its fair share of bipedal tigers and huskies roaming Columbia in search of tailgates and libations.
November 4: Mizzou vs Florida - The MO Rida Cup
I know next to nothing about the rapper(?) Flo Rida (pronounced flow-rye-duh) other than he is from Florida and, at least on the surface, is quite clever. I somehow know even less about golf's Ryder Cup. My embarrassing lack of culture aside, I do know if you combine the two you come away with a fun to say bowl game: The MO Rida Cup.
November 11: Mizzou vs Tennessee - Rock M Top Talk Participation Friendly
Our colleagues at Rocky Top Talk are not (yet) officially on board with this collaboration - mainly because this will be the first they are hearing of it. However, we believe with their partnership, we can make the Rock M Top Talk Participation Friendly the most sportsmanship thing to ever be a thing. It is our dream to make Butch Jones' "Life Championship" a reality by hosting this annual "friendly" - rather than an actual game - in order to avoid hurt feelings and trying. "You're all winners!"
Important notes regarding the game: Scoring optional. Butt pats, handshakes and smiling… mandatory.
November 18: Mizzou @ Vanderbilt - The Technical Difficulties Bowl
Full disclosure: the first Mizzou football SEC game I attended was the cold, rainy, miserable, 2012 slogfest against the Commodores of Vanderbilt. Quarterback James Franklin (MU) suffered a game-ending injury during the 2nd series and all semblance of competent football went right out the window that October night. To say both teams suffered from "technical difficulties" would be an understatement. It was a nightmarish viewing experience I will not soon forget. So, is it fair I relate all Mizzou-Vandy showdowns to that dreary night in Columbia?
Yes, yes it is.
November 25: Mizzou @ Arkansas - Battle Line "Rivalry"
Like the Mizzou-South Carolina matchup, Mizzou-Arkansas technically has an official rivalry game. But, to be fair, it's a forced rivalry that has yet to earn its rivalry tag. Until Eric Beisel steals Arkansas' mascot (Tusk) and hosts a pig roast atop a Wal-Mart, this is just another SEC game. So, for now, I give you Battle Line "Rivalry" - presented by Rock M Nation.
But this is such a better name/logo for the rivalry.
*Help! These bowl games are in need of sponsors!
**We here at Rock M Nation do NOT condone the theft or roasting of mascots (yes we do).