TruMansplaining Missouri’s Spring Game

Trumansplaining (verb)
[troo-man-spleyn-ING]

(of a Mizzou blogger) to comment on or explain something to a Rock M Nation reader in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner.

He Trumansplained to David Morrison about the importance of time of possession.

Across the internet, many a Mizzou blog - this one included - will attempt to extract five (why is it always five?) keys from Missouri's Black & Gold Spring Game and explain to you why they are oh-so-important to the future of Mizzou football. Guess what? They're all wrong. Allow me to break down the real takeaways for you.

For starters, this game means something. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I wish I could explain to you so you'd understand why Spring games mean so much but if you've never played football (or blogged) before, you couldn't possibly pick up what I was putting down. Trust me when I say, I know what I'm talking about.

Next, there were some positives in the scrimmage. Let me explain. The weather, it was nice. See, in Missouri the weather can be quite unpredictable - especially this time of year - and is commonly known as "Missouri weather." Those lucky few in attendance were treated to a warm, rain-free 80 degree game. Not too shabby for mid-April in Columbia, MO.

Another positive, actually, being Missouri was not coached by Mike Matheny. He (Matheny) is commonly known around baseball circles as a "bad manager." See, in baseball, they call coaches "managers" and they wear uniforms just like the players because there really is no difference between a veteran player and baseball coach. And really, there is no such thing as a "good" baseball manager. There just isn't. Luckily for Tiger fans, Matheny "manages" baseball and does not "coach" football. So, in summary: nice weather + no Matheny = good start.

There were also a couple negatives on Saturday. Well, one negative. See, those insufferable fan games between quarters covered kicking, catching and running but did not include any of the following football staples fans have grown to love: 1) an officials review challenge 2) a freezing the kicker challenge 3) streaking for cash/attention 4) a selfie showdown 5) irrationally booing when things don't go your way 6) message boarding 7) stick to sportsing - usually by people who ironically don't "stick to sports" themselves. I mean, if Randy sells drywall for a living, do I tell him to "stick to drywall" after tweeting #HeNeedsMoreTime or shares a Pros and Cons of Brexit meme on Facebook? 8) finally, a Photoshop contest between Mark Kim and that handsome devil who runs the @RMeNquirer account. These are the things people want to see!

The B&G game also birthed a new People's Champion and subsequent (forced) nickname. See, star running back Damarea Crockett and his backup Ish Witter did not participate in Saturday's match which left the door open for backend depth charters to step out onto center stage. One back in particular took Mizzou nation by storm Saturday afternoon: Dawson "Code Red" Downing.

Let me explain the nickname. See, A Few Good Men is a movie. A damn good movie, actually, and if you were a cinephile like me, you'd know this. In said movie, two young men by the name of Harold Dawson and Louden Downey are on trial for allegedly giving a fellow Marine a "code red." Here, a "code red" is NOT a red Mountain Dew marketed toward Call of Duty gamers. It's more or less a violent, disciplinary beat down. See, the names Dawson and Downey are similar enough to Dawson Downing, making for an apt nickname. Get it?

Hey, I'm not done. Here are a few quick-hitting observations you probably didn't know you needed to know.

Conspiracy theory. Drew Lock was pulled after 3 quarters. I don't know, guys. Typically you'd like your starting quarterback to finish the game. Quarterback controversy? No, more like quarterback conspiracy. But, again, if you've never played or more importantly BLOGGED about football, you wouldn't understand.

Hot take. The Wire is overrated. I never got past the 3rd season. Also, Silicon Valley is the best 30 minutes on television.

Overreactions. Injuries. It's football. People get hurt, snowflake.

Overreactions 2. You, for getting all bent-out-shape about The Wire, snowflake.

Underreactions. Kicking. Tucker's McCann-do attitude should not be overlooked here, guys. Even while Barry Odom was trying out four potential replacements in-game (see also fan games), Tucker remained - unlike last season - unfazed, drilling 3 PATs and a 47-yard field goal.

Proper reactions. Punting. Corey Fatony is the real deal and anybody who's anybody already knows that.

Predictions. Rey will not be revealed as Luke Skywalker's daughter in Episode VIII. No, I predict she is the granddaughter of Obi-Wan Kenobi. See, the Skywalker connection is too on the nose for my taste. My boy J.J. Abe wouldn't do that.

Final takeaway. Well, actually we're never really done "taking away" anything. See, we're every day growing as individuals, learning invaluable life lessons along the way. Like today, for example, you'll walk away much more knowledgeable about football… and life. You're a better person for it. And I learned that's because of me.

Now you know what you're supposed to know. Run along and explain it to all your friends.