The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 4 of the SEC Season

We’re just living in misery right? I mean as Mizzou fans that’s what’s happening here? The team is ineffectual, disinterested and lacking in any kind of verve that would get even the most ardent Mizzou fan up and excited for this week’s game. What once was a season of explosive points and no defense has merely turned into a season of turning the pages of the calendar to Mizzou basketball, which before last March no one would have said for the past three years.

Aside from Mizzou however, the east is shaping up to be an interesting and exciting battle, look out for the Commodores and the west, well it looks like State may step up and be the challenger we need to unseat the Tide. But before we can get to this week’s SEC extravaganza, we must look back to see how we did at picking games.

Let’s see how we did…

Kristina continues to struggle but there’s always a turnaround coming, so don’t give up on her. It’s all the new drinks she’s having to consume and include, this clearly takes precedence to watching football and screaming for wine. For me, it’s just getting lucky and picking against my alma matter, and I’d like to be wrong about that Mizzou, so get it together! What does this weekend portend for us? Will our picks start turning the corner or will the slow drip towards mediocrity continue? (Editor’s note: holy hell, this past week may have been the worst in my LFG history. Calling it a struggle is being far too kind.)

To the games!

So Arkansas is wearing uniforms based on the Dallas Cowboys uniforms because Jerrrrrrrrrrrrr went to Arkansas, played there and most likely got inappropriate with people there. Why can’t Mizzou do this with Brad Pitt? Just put a bunch of Fight Club stuff on the uniform and have some fun! If you have not seen Good Bull Hunting’s response, you’re doing life wrong!

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3! It’s not super high level stuff here, but compared to the next game in our preview, this is a gold mine of fun. Which team will crap the bed first?! I can hardly wait to find out!

Paired Drink: Survey says, TEQUILA SUNRISE! It’s a morning drink, just look at it’s name!

kristina: I can’t do any worse than last week, right? (Uh, yes we can, and we probably will.) Arky. I literally swear next week I’m using a dartboard. (Then again, we swear all the time so that probably doesn’t mean much.)

Chris: Give me the Aggies in the ugliest of ugly games. It’s a road game for the team from Texas against the team from Arkansas. Geography, SEC style…FEEL it! Yeah, the Razorbacks look and lose like Cowboys in Jerrrrrrrrrrrrr’s house.

So we got our #voluntears last week, as Florida won, and clearly the SEC is just going to be weird this season, but UMass? If you can’t beat temple, how are you going to win versus Tennessee? (Sorry for our probably non-existent Temple crowd. Go Owls! Just not in football.)

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 4. Seriously, why are you watching this? There’s got to be a CSI marathon or something else on.

Paired Drink: We’re stretching with this one, but we get to do that from time to time. Long Island Ice Tea. It’s not tea, and this isn’t a close football game. Deal with it.

kristina: As previously stated, hate picking Tennessee ‘cause it’s fun not to, but have no choice here.

Chris: Well isn’t this just a peach! The champions of life taking on the minute men of UMass. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but I just don’t have the time to get it. Let’s take UT and the trashcan will make a splendid return before their season joins other dumpster fires.

Could this be an SEC championship preview? Are Vandy fans insane for screaming they want Bama? Is an upset in the cards? Does Derek Mason have things going? Does he need a better t-shirt? All answers are maybe!

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1. This is easily the best game of the day time series of SEC games and has some real potential drama to it. Vandy looks good, Bama looks good, your afternoon looks good too!

Paired Drink: Vodka Martini! People will tell you that a vodka martini isn’t a real martini, it has to be gin, and to those people I say, get out of my drink, gin gives me a headache! Vodka does have flavor, you just need an experienced pallet to note its nuance. [Editor’s note, flavored vodka is an abomination!]

kristina: Right, ‘cause let’s use a birthday cake flavored vodka in a martini. (Uh, haven’t tried that so maybe it could work?) Although the whipped cream vodka is pretty tasty, we won’t lie. Bama. Until they lose, that pick isn’t changing.

Chris: Man, I do want to take the ‘Dores, they’re playing marvelous D and doing just enough on offense to win games, but it’s Bama and Vandy. And in that case Bama wins a closer game than their fans can truly handle.

So South Carolina lost to Kentucky, who, oh joy, is also on our schedule. But hey, you get to play against Terry Bradshaw’s alma matter. (Which outside of landing a jeopardy question probably merits nothing, but we never said we’d accomplish much around here.) He, of course, was initially behind Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty and well, reality tv is just silly.

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 4. Don’t bother with this one. Attend to your yard work ahead of the Mizzou game or just start drinking ‘cause it’s probably not going to be pretty. And if it is / LA Tech wins, uh, we lost to South Carolina. Transitive property does not play well here.

Paired Drink: It’s early in the afternoon, we still have our game to watch, guzzle down a few light beers. Not late enough to super crazy, but maybe enough to slightly numb you for what our Tigers may do.

kristina: Have to go South Carolina. Uh, participation trophies for everyone?

Chris: SC lost last week to Kentucky after beating Mizzou, that’s what happens after coming off the emotional high that is the Mayor’s Cup Trophy. Oh, man is that trophy just garbage. Anyway, take the Cocks to right the ship and ignore this game.

Now this may be the best game of the day. Both teams are ranked, both teams have big wins and both teams are underestimated by the world at large. Under the lights is the only way to football, until we get to the part of the season when the sun starts setting over stadiums and leaves are falling and Ugga isn’t panting.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1. It’s another great one. The best one of the evening. Stop what you’re doing because this is better. Hide from your family if that’s what you have to do, or just run somewhere and watch this game.

Paired Drink: An Alabama Slammer! Either of these teams may take down the Tide, so you might as well drink in that name. Amaretto, Sloe Gin (love it!), SoCo and OJ, what’s not to love about it?!

kristina: As if I couldn’t do worse than last week, I’ll take Georgia, and no, I won’t be watching it.

Chris: I’m putting the bulldogs of Georgia on upset watch against the bulldogs of State. We’ve got Tigers on Tigers and Bulldogs on Bulldogs this fine day. State gets the upset and knocks off Georgia on the road on a late TD as the clock strikes zero!

So LSU didn’t fare so well against the moar cowbell team, but they’re getting Derrius Guice back for this one. As usual, it’s not a week in college football where the uniforms don’t make a headline or two, so Syracuse is busting out some chrome rust-orange helmets for the game. (And someone notes they haven’t won yet with the chrome look, yes, someone actually is keeping stats on uniform victory results.)

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3. Might be close, and even though you know should know better, in half an hour you’re switching the channel. So you’re probably getting the food and booze together ahead of time. (And if it’s anything like last week, go heavy on the booze.)

Paired drink: The Bayou Breeze (despite the usage of sweet and sour mix but since it looks pretty we’ll let it pass.) You know, something our Mizzou team could do more of. Uh, too soon?

kristina: Upset would be fun, but I’ll go with LSU. Only ‘cause my lone Syracuse fan friend pays no attention to football. Like you’re only a basketball school, come on.

Chris: LSU looked positively ordinary last week no? Maybe hiring Coach O wasn’t the best idea. This hire screams to why you never hire the True Son. It makes it so much harder to fire them when they fail massively. But either way LSU doesn’t lose night games at home, it’s a fact, so LSU it is.

Mizzou, I mean, really. How are you worse than last year? Did Charles Harris really make that much of a difference on offense? We’re openly celebrating the punter now and Heupel thinks the way to fix the offense is by just getting a better vantage point of Drew Lock throwing INTs. What the hell is going on?!

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 2. I know, it’s Mizzou so we must watch, but it’s still not better than State and Georgia. So once this gets out of hand, flip to that.

Paired Drink: What goes with sadness? Mickey’s 40s it is! Grab that beautiful green bottle and go to town as the Tigers just upset you to no end.

kristina: Yeah, until we win again, I am a bad fan and Auburn it is. Fatony can fake swing a golf club as much as he wants though. Props if you’re on your A game. Yeah, November 10th needs to get here in a hurry.

Chris: It’s Auburn, it was going to be Auburn and will always be Auburn, no matter how insane they look. Cuonzo, you’re our only hope for good sports, don’t mess this up!

Got to love history, the last time Kentucky beat Florida, if our research is accurate, Crocodile Dundee was still in theaters. (Great movie, kids, try to watch it if you haven’t.) That’s not a knife! They’re undefeated and clearly not understanding they’re a basketball school, or they’re just relinquishing that title to us.

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3. This was a tough one, a lot are calling for the upset / a close game, but hopefully we haven’t given up on our tigers yet. (Uh, wishful thinking but we’ll run with it.)

Paired Drink: Forget all that mint julep nonsense, we’re going with this. (Sounds better, doesn’t involve mint, and very easy ‘cause lazy.)

kristina: It’s in Kentucky, might as well for disparity and fun take the Wildcats.

Chris: Kentucky fans are riding high as are Florida fans. Someone is going to be upset and it’s going to be the Kentucky contingent. Florida gator chomps their way through the Wildcats and both sets of mascots, male and female knock themselves unconscious by plowing into each other.

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That’s our picks, but for those of you who HATE reading our thoughts but LOVE our picks, here they are straight up. (These people exist?)

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Enjoy another college football weekend, the days are getting shorter, the air is getting crisper and seats are getting hotter. (And yet still a heat index of 102, uh fall?)

What a time to be alive!