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The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 5 of the SEC

Mizzou’s on a bye, so enjoy football for football’s sake.


Ah…the Bye week for Mizzou, that could not come soon enough. When Mizzou’s playing well, or hell even decent, the bye week can seem interminable. However, when your team continues to get embarrassed on the field and then by the Head Coach in a post game presser, well the bye week can be quite soothing. This is the weekend you can just enjoy football with no rooting interest and sit back and have some fun without wanting to throw your TV out of a 7th floor window. So this weekend should be fun, barring of course any (bad) basketball news, but let’s pretend I didn’t say that and move onto the records.

Let’s see how we did…

Picker Results Overall Records
kristina 9 correct, 4 incorrect 30 correct, 18 incorrect
Chris 11 correct, 2 incorrect 38 correct, 10 incorrect

Kristina had a bounce back win getting back over .500, being let down by both Arkansas and Kentucky who conspired to make her believe and then pull the football away from her at the last second a la Charlie Brown. Poor bald kid. Bald, one pair of clothes, terrible Halloween costume, sad tree, his friends like his dog more than him and his parents abandoned him for most of Thanksgiving…but I digress. We’re still cranking out winners, so gamble away freely, these picks are solid gold! GOLD JERRY, GOLD!

To the games!

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, September 30th 11:00 AM #21 Florida Vanderbilt Ben Hill Griffin, FLA ESPN WatchESPN

Well, Vandy, you had me believing and then you got positively waxed. Florida, I sort of believed and then you came a moment away from losing to a not so good Kentucky team. Honestly, the SEC East is the equivalent of the NFC West before the 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals all got good around 2011. Let’s throw it out and make the second place team in the SEC West face off against Alabama in the title game is something you’ll start hearing around October 9th. But that won’t happen. Even if the east is the rotten pumpkin on your porch of football divisions right now.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 3! It’s still not terrible. And when two less than amazing teams face off that makes things interesting. And this could be for second place in the division, it just means something.

Paired Drink: Irish coffee. I don’t drink coffee, don’t like Jameson (unless it’s Antawn Jamison) and don’t like Bailey’s. But you may, so enjoy that!

kristina: Did the gofundme for my dartboard get approved? Uh, Florida, which if last week is any indication, Vandy will win by a point. Not that I’ll have this one on since it’s kiddo soccer morning, oh the joy of dealing with crazy soccer parents in a parks/rec league.

Chris: A week ago I would have been excited about this game. Now I am not. But it’s in Florida and I think they just have a bit more on offense than Vandy does. Also, I imagine the ‘Dores are a bit shell shocked from the whole annihilation they suffered to Bama.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, September 30th 11:00 AM Arkansas New Mexico State Razorback Stadium, AR SEC Network WatchESPN

So apparently some razorback fans were mad at the opening line (17 points) ‘cause it wasn’t high enough. Well, maybe y’all should win more or play better football, not that we Mizzou fans have much room to speak, though we tend to anyway. (Editor’s note, contrary to popular belief, no booze is consumed during the writing of the LFG.) Let’s be honest, it’d be hilarious if the Aggies pull this one off.

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 4. It shouldn’t be “very” close, but hey, if you do decide to watch, NMSU features the wonder dog to retrieve the kickoff tee. (But is he compensated for his work?!)

Paired Drink: In honor of NMSU, let’s go with Pistol Pete’s 1888 Ale. “A special recipe designed to appease even the most snobby of craft beer drinkers.” Well, there you go.

kristina: Stupid Arky last week. As much as I don’t want to, Arky. Although watching their fans if this is close could be entertaining. Misery loves company.

Chris: Didn’t Arkansas look cute in their Jerry outfits? Like a really terrible Ohio State rip off. Also, I think the New Mexico State mascot is either in the Village People or one of the characters in Kingsman 2, which is a better use of your time seeing than watching this game. Arkansas for the win and I hope you don’t have to watch this.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, September 30th 2:30 PM Tennessee #7 Georgia Neyland Stadium, TN CBS CBS Sports

So…Georgia is going to win the east and Bama is going to win the west and everything that happens before December 3 is just foreplay. Sexy, sexy footballin’ foreplay. Anyway, Georgia showed some serious spunk last week and I was wrong to pick against them. This could be a good game and could get Butch Jones fired and that sounds awesome.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 2. It’s better than what comes next I can tell you that! So watch as Tennessee continues to be Champions of Life while also being Champions of Garbage Football.

Paired Drink: Flaming Dr. Pepper! And if you’re on a budget, Flaming Mr. Pibb! It’s beer, amaretto and some high proof booze, for me I would choose Bacardi 151, but if you’re feeling frisky, how about some Everclear Mr./Mrs. Fancy Pants!

kristina: Do people not in college even drink Everclear? That sounds like a great idea, let’s drink and then play with fire! Georgia all the way, and all the #voluntears.

Chris: Georgia on the road is still a safe bet. I mean they destroyed Notre Dame who is a lot like Tennessee. Let’s run the checklist: 1) Always ranked in the preseason regardless of actual ability? Check. Fans who still think it’s the 90s? Check. Overrated stadiums? Check. So yes, Georgia will beat UT, but don’t worry Volunteer fans, you’ll still be magically ranked #24 before the 2018 season starts.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, September 30th 3:00 PM Kentucky Eastern Michigan Commonwealth Stadium, KY SEC Network WatchESPN

See, we truly embody “lazy” at the LFG ‘cause apparently now it’s Kroger Field, and it’s been that way since the start of the season and we just now noticed it! So after (another instance of a one point) loss to Florida, Kentucky takes on a directional Michigan school, and it is the first meeting between the two teams. Womp womp, they may have lost, but at least Eastern Mich. went bowling last year, no less, in the Caribbean! Uh, we’ll get to a bowl game again, right?

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3. Doesn’t seem like anyone can agree if this may be close or completely not. Mizzou’s on a bye, it’s the middle of a nice Saturday, yeah, go find something to do outside, maybe some Bocce ball.

Paired Drink: Well since it’s still not technically October, we can’t recommend pumpkin beers (that’s right, folks, every holiday gets a month!) so go with a non-squash craft beer of your choice.

kristina: You let me down, Kentucky! I won’t get too cute and go for the upset here, so wildcats again, but still not happy. Naps are wonderful, silly kids.

Chris: This game should be titled the “Nap Bowl” because that seems a better use of your time than watching this. Kentucky will win but does anyone really care? Mike Stoops does ‘cause he’s gonna get a big ol raise regardless of the fact that his team has only been to one crap bowl since he’s been there.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, September 30th 6:00 PM #13 Auburn #24 Mississippi State Jordan-Hare Stadium, AL ESPN WatchESPN

Well, State, I believed in you and you let me down, you let me down SO HARD! I mean you didn’t even appear to be trying and your bulldog looked put off by the entire spectacle the entire time. And Auburn, you broke Barry Odom! You made him come into a press conference with a list of achievements other people had under much different circumstances and with better resumes. THANKS WAR EAGLE TIGER WHATEVERS.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 1. It’s a 1, a big fat 1. Mostly because a battle for second in the West is kind of interesting, it’s a night game and who knows, maybe the FBI attempts to arrest Ben Howland and he ends up running across the field in an attempt to flee, and that my friends is worth watching for.

Paired Drink: An Americano! It’s a bitter drink made with soda water, Campari and Red Vermouth. My dad loves these things and we drank many of them one night, all night, the next morning I had a 7 mile race and let me tell you, running 7 miles whilst still drunk on Americanos is a helluva thing! Fastest 7 miler I ever had…

kristina: Am I bad fan that I turned our game on in the third quarter and quickly found something else? Not inspired by either here, but we’ll go Auburn.

Chris: Auburn looked very good against Mizzou (but who doesn’t), and State looked very bad against Georgia (this could be a trend). So I’ll take Auburn because they’re flawed, but you know so is State so yeah, Auburn seems right.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, September 30th 6:00 PM #25 LSU Troy Tiger Stadium, LA ESPNU WatchESPN

It’s either a sign that this game isn’t meant to be close or college football fans are overly concerned with uniforms, ‘cause a quick search landed more articles on LSU’s game attire than predictions of said actual game. For those who love the latter, LSU is going with the rarely worn purple jersey, and white everything else. A win here puts LSU’s home non-con streak at fifty.

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 4. It shouldn’t be close, and if it is, not sure we care?

Paired drink: Uh, we’ve never tried this, so be a nice little guinea pig and let us know if it’s worth it, the Sazerac.

kristina: I don’t understand the uniform attention, but oh well. Technically, we probably shouldn’t be playing Saturday games either, right? (Uh, we kid, we kid.......)

Chris: LSU is going to beat Troy because DeMarcus Ware is not walking through that door. Like he did back in the day and single handedly destroyed Mizzou on a stupid Thursday night. WE SHOULD NOT PLAY THURSDAY NIGHT GAMES, NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS!

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, September 30th 6:30 PM Texas A&M South Carolina Kyle Field, TX SEC Network WatchESPN

Welcome to a cross divisional rivalry game so interesting and important to the fans that its taking place on the last Saturday of September. Really, Arkansas fans can say they don’t care about a rivalry with Mizzou and that’s fine, because they’re liars, but these two fan bases, A&Mers and Caroliners, can say it with sincerity and mean it.

Scale of Watchability: Defcon 4. I’m not watching this and neither are you. Both teams are bad. BAD!

Paired Drink: All the left over beers at the end of party mixed into one pitcher. I call it The Sourdough. This game is that equivalent. Natural rivalries all over the place and this is what you end up with.

kristina: Think I’ll stick with actual sourdough, the bread option (and the best bread option anyway! For whatever version of a sandwich you want to run with. As I had no for-sure option here, we’ll go with disparity and take South Carolina. Another poor choice.

Chris: Honestly this game is a bit of a toss up because neither team looks that great to me. So I’m taking A&M because they’re at home and because of Muschamp face.

Date Time Home Team Away Team Location TV Streaming
Saturday, September 30th 8:00 PM #1 Alabama Ole Miss Bryant-Denny Stadium, AL ESPN WatchESPN

Coming off a loss and heading to a game on the road to Alabama is just a tad less than ideal for Ole Miss. Alabama’s kicker goes against his former team, and given pronunciation issues, most of them just call him Papa Nasty, or back in high school, as “the kicker.” Please, that’s nothing compared to figuring out Agbasimere.

Scale of Watchability: DEFCON 3. It’s Saturday night and it could be a good game, but, at least at post time, Ole Miss as a 24 point underdog doesn’t instill much confidence it’ll be worth your time. And time is money, folks! Yeah, it’s not going to be close. ‘Bama likes to run, and Ole Miss isn’t so great at stopping that.

Paired Drink: Again, it’s the LFG so not sure if we’ve gone with this one already, but it’s damn pretty, the Alabama Slammer! (Editor’s note - yes, we actually went with that one all of last week, so the laziness is in full force for this one. Okay, so scratch that thought and we’ll run with Conecuh Ridge Whiskey, which apparently is Bama’s state spirit. Seriously, with as lax liquor laws as Missouri has, we don’t have a state spirit?)

kristina: Easily Alabama, and it’s kind of sad I don’t see a single game that’s a “must see” this week. (To clarify, that’s out of the SEC match-ups we get to “discuss” or whatever the hell it is we do. Certainly it’s not to entertain!) Screw that, we need a state wine. (Uh, norton?)

Chris: Do you think Alabama fans are even aware their DOBO was arrested and charged in connection with the FBI sting? I bet they have no idea and once January comes around and they realize they have a basketball team they’re going to be very surprised about what’s going on in that sport. That said, their football team is going to just whoop up something fierce on Ole Miss and the Andres will cry and cry.

That’s the narrative, now to just the straight up shot of what we’re thinking is going to happen...

Picker SEC Winners SEC Losers Non Con Winner (if selected)
kristina Florida, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Auburn, LSU, South Carolina, Bama Vandy, Tennessee, State, A&M, Ole Miss None
Chris Florida, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Auburn, LSU, A&M, Bama Vandy, Tennessee, State, South Carolina, Ole Miss None

Enjoy the Bye Week Mizzou fans, for after this week, we potentially have 8 more weeks of pain. “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” But by now, your calendar has November 10th in the most neon yellow color ever.