The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 8 of the SEC Season

Fans, we apologize. We missed your birthweek, day, thing? Like a parent that just can’t seem to get it right, we let you down, and for that we brought ice cream and a promise to do better this week.

But really, did you need a post, we gave you plenty of heads up about what would happen last week. Bama cruised and made Mizzou look bad, Georgia was exposed, no matter what their fans say and Tennessee still objectively sucks, so really, a week off didn’t hurt anyone. And the Braves are gone, as predicted so all is right with the world.

And while we didn’t have a post last week, we still have to examine our grades from the week prior so….

To the records!

Well, we were bound to come back to earth and after her perfect week, kristina regressed past the mean and ended up slightly below .500 though to be fair that was only based on her decision to have parity in our picks. Mizzou hurt us both, State got us, but thankfully Kentucky lost. Take that UK. But we’re recharged and ready to go for this weekend’s tilts and we’re going to drop some sick knowledge on you. Get ready, it’s going to be something else.

This week we’re going to rank the games in terms of fast food, and just so we’re clear, Subway is fast food, Chipotle, Kava, fancy salad, if it gets served behind a counter and you have to give direction doesn’t make it any nicer.

Let’s get to it!

To the games!

Tulsa and Arkansas, two schools that stole our most recent basketball coaches of any merit. Mike Anderson wooooooo pig sooi’ed his way back to Arkansas and hasn’t had the same success he had at Mizzou and Frank Haith put on his finest watch and non prescription glasses and jetted down to Tulsa because why wouldn’t you? Many fans hate Frank Haith more than any Mizzou headcoach since Snyder (and maybe more) but they’re wrong, the dude that came after him was worse. Maybe Pittsburgh State can get in on this and make it a three way weekend tournament?

Scale of Watchability: Subway. Listen, you may love this chain, but I always feel worse after eating anything from there, and the place always smells funny. Subway is gross.

Paired Drink: A tall glass of Chardonnay. I only say this because Chardonnay is made of the saddest wedding tears ever shed, I mean ugly, late night tears where someone goes over the deep end and thinks they’ll be alone forever, those kind of tears. Stay away from Chardonnay it’s sadness in a glass, an oaky, buttery, yellow glass of bad decisions about to happen.

kristina: Such a troll..............dissing my go-to drink. Clearly, someone is still mad I had a perfect week. Go with an un-oaked version, duh. And my apologies as well for the no-post last week. I’ll pick Arky, but I’m not super confident with this one. Now too much tequila is definitely a night of bad decisions about to happen.

Chris: May they both lose! But Tulsa only has one win, over a directional Arkansas of no consequence, so I’m going with our SEC friends (frienemies) to the South. And with this matchup let’s reflect on the time that Frank Haith decided it was high time to whoop up on CMA, man that was fun….

So Auburn has a really good defense, let’s not talk about offense, and Ole Miss is vice versa. Go figure this one out. And reading the previews, it almost seems like each side is trying to claim they’re the worse team. Well, losing to Tennessee is definitely one way to really solidify your argument there, Auburn. (The SEC outside of ‘Bama is just weird, we tell you, weird!)

Scale of Watchability: McDonald’s, breakfast options aside. It’s blah, it’s not even quick anymore, you can do better easily. Anytime they promote something spicy, just stop it. You keep using that word...................

Paired Drink: Boone’s farm. Come on, now, no one drinks that stuff for the taste. Do they even still make it? And there’s actually a fan club. Huh. Zima’s the same way, what the hell was so awesome about that stuff? (Outside of being a drunk college kid and hey, look, booze!) Exactly “its low cost makes it a favorite on college campuses.” Tasting notes? Nope!

kristina: Again, after the last two weeks, I seriously think a dartboard would average better than either of us. Against my better judgement since I’m always late to the party, it’s no fun if we agree on everything, so I’ll take Ole Miss. Horrible idea.

Chris: I’m not really all that impressed with the work put forth by Auburn to date, but I’m really unimpressed by everything Ole Miss. I feel bad for that ridiculous looking Shark demon thing. Well I don’t care that this game is in Oxford, Auburn is going to beat the morning into them and then head home and no one, and I mean no one reading this is going to care.

People, PEOPLE! Stop what you’re doing because it’s the THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER! And that means something damn it. Every time I hear this, all I can think about is Lattimer in “The Program” making first team defense. At least it does to the delusional people that where Orange from head to toe in Tennessee. The reason we can’t have more balanced and regular scheduling of SEC on SEC action is because of this stupid game that mattered in a day and age before any of the players were alive. What a sacred cow that who knows what would happen if it either didn’t happen once a season or not on this weekend. I just love the beatings….

Scale of Watchability: Five Guys. It’s a good burger, good fries, but eventually it’s going to wreck your stomach something fierce. So enjoy it but understand the consequences of that action. WHY ARE THERE PEANUTS EVERYWHERE?!

Paired Drink: An Orange Crush. Ever had one of those? Well you haven’t lived if you haven’t. If you want a drink to slam before you get on a flight to a fun vacation, this is it. It’s vodka, crushed ice, navel orange, some GM, some Sprite and some mint, it’s DELICIOUS!

kristina: Why in the world are we mixing oranges and mint? When did this become a good idea? Obviously ‘Bama. Definitely the flying death machine.

Chris: Every time Tennessee takes a beating (I don’t care that they beat Auburn, not one bit) at the hands of Bama, a part of me just gets a little lighter. And they bring this on themselves under the hope that they may some day beat them, but it’s not going to be this day or any other in the future. Bama wins and maybe it’s time to rethink this whole tradition that’s holding the conference hostage.

So we’re just not going to talk about last week, nope, not one bit. It’s homecoming! And, of course, isn’t a week in college football without some uniform changes as Mizzou has new helmets. (Kind of torn here, they do look snazzy, but just something seems off.) So Memphis has a returner who’s one touchdown return away from a record, uh, fun.

Scale of Watchability: I do love how most of our comments are issues with our food takes. RMN does love its food arguments. It’s Mizzou! You know you’re going to watch it. I mean, maybe a few didn’t watch last week, but that’s a rarity. Lion’s Choice, ‘cause it’s damn tasty, you get that whole sauce/condiment selection, it’s just the best. One could argue white castles while drunk, but we’ll just move on from that. Drunk fast food takes are just a whole different genre. (See cheesy fries from steak-n-shake.)

Paired Drink: We’re just stuck on wine / wine variants this week. It’s starting to cool off, the trees are confused, the pumpkin spice craze has just gone beyond insane, we’ll go Pinot Noir. Not too strong, but still tasty, and pairs well with the roast beef. (We’re “this” close to just becoming a food blog.)

kristina: Eh, I’ll take our tigers. If we win, yay, if not, I’ll just look forward to the start of our basketball season. I mean, it’s not like I need to watch the blues try to play hockey lately or anything.

Chris: I don’t believe in this crop of Tigers, cause they play just like last year’s Tigers. They somehow have not progressed and it’s annoying. But it’s homecoming and damn it we invented that (read more here), so that’s got to mean something, right? Nope! I think Mizzou gets beaten this weekend and the Odom tenure starts to look less and less likely to make it to season four.

Both of these teams are mildly confusing, State more so than LSU, but both, they both well I just don’t know. State waxes Auburn, LSU dominates Georgia (AS PREDICTED!) but then gets beat by Florida of all people, so I’m stumped. This game should tell us absolutely nothing. Seriously, I won’t feel I have a better handle on these two SEC West teams after this weekend unless State gets blown out of a cannon into the bayou where Coach O’s pet iguana Chester will feast on their remains.

Scale of Watchability: Taco Bell. The greatest fast food there is, now with real meat! Listen, this is a personal thing, so that’s on me. But did you celebrate your birthday at a Taco Bell? Well this guy did and seeing as this is the most interesting game of the weekend, there you go.

Paired Drink: Champagne and Lemonade. I don’t know what this is called, and I don’t feel like checking, but it’s delightful and the hangover you will have will be crippling. So, go easy friends.

kristina: Maybe a little (fresh squeezed) orange juice, but that’s it. You don’t get to mix champagne with anything else. At least celebrating your birthday at a Taco Bell spares you one of those cheesy birthday songs. Since I’ve really never worked in the restaurant business, obviously no idea here, but please tell me those weren’t the highlight of the day.

Chris: Really, it’s LSU, it’s Death Valley number 1, it’s after dark and that really says everything you need to know. I think Auburn is crap and so I’m not giving State too much credit here. LSU is going to win and the matchup with Bama looms…

Well, Kentucky finally lost, so it must be getting close to basketball season, right? And now we’re handing out rally towels at football games so there’s that. Seriously though, a Boston/Dodgers world series? Smh. Apparently Kentucky needs just two more wins to have its first winning record in league play since 1977, gee, guess we get to try and play the spoiler role next Saturday? I mean, fun, but not as much as actually being tied for first in the SEC East. Ah, the good ole’ days.

Scale of Watchability: Hardee’s. I mean, they did raise the fast food burger bar but kind of stalled after that. And their fries aren’t good. French fries are another food that can be just amazingly awesome or just putrid. (Their regular fries. Curly fries in general are wonderful. Hard to screw those guys up.)

Paired drink: Gin and Tonic. Simple, slightly boring, but just one of those drinks that you never hear horror stories about. And, especially if we lose, are you really going to be watching this one? It is October, there has to be actual horror films on tv at this point.

kristina: Kentucky. Poor Kentucky fans might have to actually watch both sports this fall. At this rate, I’m going to be watching soccer, or just more tennis. And now Wimbledon is going to have a final set tie-breaker? At least put it after six games or something, but twelve?

Chris: How has Kentucky not be caught up in this whole College Basketball scandal? HOW?! Cal had shady dealings with these guys at Memphis and you want to tell me he changed his ways at the hyper charged up UK? Please. Something’s coming, especially if they’re willing to go after K, Cal’s next. Also, Kansas, you big bunch of cheaters! Kentucky wins and let’s just not talk about it.

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Those are the games, those are our words, and these are our picks, use them…wisely.

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Happy Homecoming everyone, enjoy that weekend at Ol’ Mizzou!