The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 9 of the SEC Season

Welcome to the spookiest Lazy Fan’s Guide of the season, we’ve got games that are as scary as the holiday, Nick Saban’s birthday and the world’s largest cocktail party to take place in a city no one likes, we’ve got it all! It was a pretty straight forward weekend in the SEC last weekend with nary an upset to be seen and Mizzou righted its season (as of right now) against a very under matched Memphis squad who just the week before had looked competent against the greatest team in all the land (according to them and their fans), UCF. With that in mind, your pickers were able to get back to looking good as a result of some easier games.

To the records!

Look at that, back to the winning ways and back to tied. We’ve been doing this for three years and rarely does anyone pull away. Does that say more about our attention to the game, the lack of parity in the SEC, or the cupcakes they schedule in the non con? No idea, clearly, if either of us did, we wouldn’t be sitting on 12 losses now would we?

Next week is Halloween (exciting for some, less so for others) so we’re ranking the games based on Halloween “candy”, and I use quotation marks because if you can get a toothbrush or a bag of pennies as a treat then we will rank a particularly awful game as such. Let’s jump into this cardiac inducing, cavity causing, waist line expanding spooktacular shall we?

To the games!

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!! Some games should just be pushed off the schedule and played like a secret scrimmage like they do in college basketball. Like the one that stole little Jontay from Mizzou…damn you secret scrimmage…DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!! Anyway, the first tilt of the day features two teams that no one wants to watch. But watch we shall because it’s the only game in town at the early time slot. This game is the equivalent of the movie you have on DVD or streaming on tv you watch when hungover with commercials and no swearing instead of getting off your hungover ass and just popping in the film in VO (version originale). Fun Fact, last Saturday I was nursing the cocktail flu from an evening the night before, and I was on the couch and “High Fidelity” had just started, so I watched it. I made it 5 minutes before all the “bullfrogs” and “Flip you” before I dragged myself downstairs to pull out the DVD. Round of applause for me!

Scale of Watchability: Those orange and black candy things or a bag of pennies. I’m dropping the “or” in there because I don’t think people give pennies anymore. But if they did, this would be the game. Or the black and orange wrapped things that come from the store below the dollar store. They smell funny and get tossed immediately. Like this game, this is trash.

Paired Drink: A bottle of O’Douls. It’s what beer drinkers drink when they’re not drinking beer, and this game is what football game watchers watch when they’re not watching football. Again, garbage, hot garbage.

kristina: It’s kind of not fair our girls have not endured the “wth is this” stage for Halloween candy. Those orange and black things are right up with a stale bit-o-honey. I say kind of not fair, as well, let’s face it, I’m fairly sure I’ll raid their stash for at least a few things. It’s just what you do. Vandy, I guess.

Chris: This game makes my head hurt. It’s just awful and I guarantee no one shows up, NO ONE. An 11 AM title in Little Rock featuring these pillars of the football world, pass. Hard Pass. Anyway, someone has to win since this isn’t the NFL where you can have ties because the NFL is stupid and should just adopt all the college rules, and that someone will be Vandy, because why the hell not? Those nerds will figure out a way to get this done.

So the world’s biggest outdoor cocktail party is all of a sudden (very) relevant, and not that it matters, both are coming off their bye week. As the only top ten match-up on the schedule, guess where College GameDay is heading, get your signs ready! Apparently, that includes UCF fans, everybody wants their fifteen minutes of fame, or a winning lottery ticket, hell, why not both? SEC Nation will also be there, attempting to find lodging in Jacksonville must be fun right now.

Scale of Watchability: Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. By far, one of the top things to find in your kid’s stash later on. Obviously the regular ones, quit altering the ratio of chocolate and peanut butter with your crazy pumpkins and Christmas trees and whatever other nonsense. And before AlaTiger makes a comment about Trader Joe’s being superior in the peanut butter cup column, we’re adding the accessibility to the grading scale here, Reese’s are everywhere!

Paired Drink: We’d like to go with that Count Chocula beer concoction, ‘cause that sounded just tasty, but apparently you can’t get that anymore, fine. Let’s get crazy and go with these. Another person suggested dipping the peanut butter cups into a basic Irish coffee, not entirely sure on that one, but hey, maybe it’s a thing. Bourbon peanut buttercups, now we’re talking.

kristina: Again, I never learn, as I’m fairly sure my only loss last week was one of the “got to have some disparity” pick. Obviously my Mizzou pick fared better, not my fault Chris is a poor fan! If Georgia hadn’t gotten handled by LSU, I’d think twice, but we’ll still take Florida.

Chris: It’s the world’s biggest cocktail party in the same way that the Eagles are World Champions of football. It’s all in the eye of the beholder or the individual spouting this nonsense. Anyway, this game is a big deal because both teams are somehow top 10 teams, even if they don’t really look like it on paper…or on the field. So, for me, I’m going with the Bulldogs because this game means far more to them than it does Florida. How do I know this? I don’t, I’m just assuming they still think they have a chance at the playoff or a better than crap bowl game, whereas Florida still feels fraudulent to me. FRAUDS everywhere I look.

Mizzou won last week, convincingly battering Barry Odom’s former employer, and the man who got the job because Mizzou came calling for the True Son. And in that time, Kentucky just got by Vandy by a touchdown while their QB looked mostly inept. And now everyone thinks Mizzou is going to just walk in and beat the daylights out of the Wildcats who’ve gone full basketball. Some facts, Kentucky’s D is legit, Coach Cal is clearly cheating like K, Roy and Bill are, and Barry Odom led teams have never beaten Kentucky in the battle for Wolf Island.

Scale of Watchability: The unattended candy bowl stocked with full size bars. It never happens and is what every kid hopes will be at the next house. It’s the greatest possible Halloween thing ever, and has never been seen. That said, this game is huge, mammoth, gigantor for Mizzou and it’s going to be must see.

Paired Drink: Red Wolf beer. Do they still make this? When I was but a wee freshman at Mizzou back in the day this was my go to for some reason. And since we’re battling for Wolf Island with the Cats, I think this fits. It will also give you a massive headache if you drink too much of it, just like a Mizzou loss would.

kristina: See, they do exist though, and that’s why we found subdivision gold for trick or treating. See, living in somewhat BFE does have its benefits. The girls honestly make bank and get nothing of the “ewwwww” variety. It’s insane. Even wine and beer handed out to the adults. It’s just glorious, and obviously what happens when the people expect just a handful of kids. Give ‘em all the candy!!! I’ll take the crazy train and pick Mizzou. Worked out last week?

Chris: In this week’s edition of pre-gaming I’m taking Kentucky and that’s not changing here. Mizzou has yet to beat anyone of consequence under Odom, and this is the next opportunity and I kind of feel that everyone’s a bit too up on this game. The Cats are my pick friends and let’s all hope I’m wrong. One note to Odom, enough with the whining and complaining and subtweeting, grow up, coach your team and show you’re not just Kim Anderson 2.0.

Moar cowbell! So A&M is coming off the bye week as well, and State decided to not play football all that much last week, y’all do know you can score after the first quarter, right? Four interceptions is a hell of a game plan. Bold move, Cotton! Then again, the Aggies have lost the last four games after their bye week, clearly they aren’t meant to take a week off. Silly Aggies, time off is wonderful. Apparently there’s a dog bowl trophy at stake as well, hopefully it’s a better looking deal than our silly Border Wars monstrosity.

Scale of Watchability: Obviously, ‘cause, well we’re basically a food blog and highly opinionated at that, so I’m sure our candy takes won’t be agreed upon across the board, but I have to go twix here. It’s not the best candy, which is, of course reserved for our team / the best game on the schedule, but it’s a very welcome addition to your plastic pumpkin / laundry bag / whatever. I mean, anyone can hand out Snickers and Hershey bars, so props to the Twix fans. Tasty.

Paired Drink: Don’t knock it until you try it, but twix and red wine is wonderful. I guess not shockingly there are quite a few guides to pairing leftover Halloween candy with wine, the internet never fails. Malbec, sure why not? This just further proves parents take their kids out for the candy once the little ones are asleep. It’s all a sham about the cute costumes. Everyone’s in it for the sugar fix.

kristina: Man, this week could go extremely poorly for me. I’ll take A&M, as was my thought even before knowing my counterpart’s pick. Though given the Aggies’ history playing in Starkville, not such a great idea. Oh well.

Chris: It’s a home game for the Bulldogs and that’s got me thinking upset readers…who’s excited for that possibility?! I know I am! Anyway, both teams look really similar, some good wins, some bad losses, A&M scores more, but State gives up less, it’s a head-scratcher to be sure. With that in mind, I’m going with State because they’re at home and usually in toss up games, that’s how things tend to work out in the SEC and everywhere else.

Did you see Butch Jones getting sports drink (we at the LFG have not been paid by any of the sports drink people, so we’ll be vague here, but should one want to, hit us up) dumped at the end of the Bama/UT game last week? And how he celebrated? Is he so braindead that most of the players his new team just beat were recruited by him and his staff? If there was any doubt that college coaches are full of sh*t, that was it. Then celebrating with cigars like he did anything, f him. And Saban, that monster, thought it was great, well f him too.

Scale of Watchability: Bite size Tootsie Rolls. Those things suck and are merely a vehicle to rip out your fillings, or worse, your teeth. And what’s worse is when someone handed you one in a blue wrapper. You’re expecting something different and nope, it’s just the same crap in a different outfit. PASS.

Paired Drink: Let’s see, two boring teams that do nothing for me…just like a nice Jack and Coke or worse, Jack and Diet. I wish I liked this drink, just like I wish I could like this game, but the game is terrible and a Jack and really anything (even delightful Gingy) just grosses me out. I smell it and I’m done.

kristina: Jack and Diet sounds like one of the worst combinations ever. Like, why are you punishing yourself bad. Would have been more fun last week if Alabama had shut the Vols out, but alas, did not happen. Those fruit-flavored tootsie rolls are the worst! (Well, not as bad as candy corn but it’s a close second.) There’s a take for you. South Carolina.

Chris: Man, is Tennessee bad?! It’s just great is it not? I thought for sure that they would have fired Pruitt by now and re-installed Phil Fulmer but I guess we may have to wait until they suffer a truly embarrassing loss. South Carolina could do that to them. And I think they will. Tennessee is just not good and South Carolina will bore them into a loss.

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That’s it for this week, this lite, no non con week, enjoy the picks!

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Next week things get really real, but for now enjoy this set and let’s all send positive vibes to all the little Tigers out on the prowl this coming Wednesday night, be safe little ones and egg everything!