The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 11 of the SEC Season

Do you feel let down? Almost as if were promised filet mignon and you got rump roast, or for our non-meat eaters a delightful gnocchi in a delightful cheese and butter sauce with some fresh peas thrown in and all you get are frozen vegetables. What was billed as the biggest weekend in the SEC turned out to be a bit of a clunker. The marquee games were close for only about the first half and then the better teams cruised and crushed dreams. We did warn in this very space that this was possible though we hoped for better things. Maybe this week will provide some games with some tension and last minute seat of your pants action we all crave. But before we get to this week, we have to go back to last week to see how we directed you…

To the records!

Another rough week for one of our pickers, but kristina is above .500 for the week so you’re still making out ok and if you’ve got a problem with that, lay off! (Editor’s note: Says the guy who tried to put a third loss on my record, for shame!!) This is free nuggets of knowledge being dropped on you. This week we are spared any weird non-conference games (just wait for the horror that is next week) and while the East and the West are set at this point, there are bowl game placements to play for, undeserved contract extensions to receive and coaches to be fired.

For this week we’ve decided to rate the games as if they were breakfast cereal, so if you don’t or haven’t eaten cereal, well this may be lost on you. Ask a friend what any of this means, and then try all of the cereal selected, breakfast or brinner is the most important meal of the day you know! (Editor’s note: And you can’t drink all day if you don’t start first thing in the morning, kids!)

To the games!

Well, well, well….what have we here, Florida got gator chomped last week in epic fashion. Let’s just have that sit there for a second. Fun fact, Mizzou has an all time winning record against the Gators at 5 – 3 and currently sitting on a two game winning streak. So take that Gators! And now, they get a visit from the Cocks in a battle for the middle of the SEC East, a battle for better bowl placement, a battle of me whose khakis don’t appear to fit.

Scale of Watchability: Shredded Wheat. This the big square cardboard looking stuff that no amount of milk can save. One “shredded wheat” takes about 7 minutes to chew, I mean it’s more of a torture device than anything else…

Paired Drink: It’s Florida, so it’s warm, so grab a Mojito. It’s a nice way to start the day, some rum, cane juice sugar, lime, sparkling water and some mint. It’s a delight! One of the more awkward Bond moments of all time, this…I mean, are you even trying Brosnan?

kristina: Duh, that’s why they started frosting the stuff, and it’s wonderful. I will never understand the love of minty booze. We’ll go gators. I also have no problem with our guys doing the gator chomp. Yeah, maybe looks bad if we had lost, but hey, guess what didn’t happen?!?!?

Chris: I don’t have a great read on this game and I really don’t care to. But Florida is still a ranked squad that got ambushed by Mizzou, that’s not happening this weekend. In the Spurrier Bowl, the Gators will come out with the win and the Coors will flow!

Well wasn’t last week fun? Quiet Florida fans are the best kind of Florida fans. Props to the Mizzou crowd. Anyway, now we get that school who has a very suspect basketball court, but apparently we can’t talk about that yet. Isn’t twitter fun? Clearly after last week, we’re all on the kool-aid and things are better, we’re not talking about Kentucky, nope, not one bit. Let’s go bowling!

Scale of Watchability: Okay, this won’t be for the younger crowd, but definitely this. (Y’all young ones don’t know what you missed out. It was glorious. Sugary cereal perfection.) All these top ranked cereal lists with Cheerio’s as the number one? Come on, now. Props to whatever you’re drinking though.

Paired Drink: Rumchata. I mean, if you’re going to eat a fun, kids’ based cereal, might as well pair it up with what basically is the booze version of milk and cinnamon toast crunch. Hell, just use that in place of the milk. Makes things really easy. Less work too, which is obviously our goal.

kristina: I should have just gone for broke and picked Mizzou last week. I’ll stick with our Tigers, but please, no more injuries. They really should just make booze versions of all the big 80’s cereals and milk. Count Chocula for sure. (Uh, unless it already exists?)

Chris: We’re back to good! Optimism abounds!!! Really Mizzou, you’re a riddle wrapped in a conundrum in a pretzel in a really clean garbage can. This team is so many wins away from just decent coaching, but we’re getting there and the schedule is all downhill. Really, Vandy and those nerds are the toughest competition left on the schedule, unless the road gets scary for these Tigers, we should be bowling nicely. That said I’m taking Mizzou and hoping they don’t make me look foolish. Get it together Coaches!

How much fun do you think A&M had just watching WVU get it done all over the Horns last week at the last second. Tom Herman’s not living that jerk that life so much now is he? Where’s the swagger now, hmmmm? Anyway, Ole Miss continues to score points with the best of em, but if they have a defense it’s MIA, like seriously MIA. I don’t think they’ve showed up yet. The Land Shark D appears to have been all mascot and that’s about it.

Scale of Watchability: Colon Blow. Sure it’s fictional, but the amount of time that poor Phil Hartman spends in the bathroom really is the equivalent of this game.

Paired Drink: A stupid Corona Light. This beer does nothing for me, and I will actively ignore it at every opportunity.

kristina: I mean, a corona with a lime isn’t the worst decision you could make on a Saturday night? Aggies let me down last week, jerks. As usual, I will make a very poor decision and go Ole Miss so Chris can feel better about himself come Sunday, since he’ll probably injure himself at kickball and can’t get off the couch. This is why you train your dog to retrieve beers out of the fridge.

Chris: Did I mention that Ole Miss has no defense and Texas A&M has an offense? Well, let me repeat this, Ole Miss can’t play both sides of football and that’s typically a problem. So, Texas A&M wins a closer game than expected and it’s a high scoring affair to boot. Take the over! What does that mean? I have no idea, just fun to say.

I mean, ‘Bama is just insane, and apparently it looks like Duke is going to be the basketball edition of the same, at least we don’t have to play them? Alabama’s spread is around 24 against a ranked opponent. It’s just crazy. They didn’t even let LSU score, where’s the fun in that? On one hand, it did suck to have them on our schedule, on the other, man are they fun to watch. And ‘Bama’s the home team so we don’t even get to have more cowbell. Where’s the fun in that?

Scale of Watchability: Frosted Flakes. Tasty, nothing special, but you know what’re you’re getting, and that’s exactly like this game. Bama wins, you get sugary cornflakes so you also kind of win.

Paired Drink: Our game is over, you get to watch Alabama destroy yet another team, cheap beer it is. If we won, you’re probably halfway drunk already and this will save you a little bit, and if we lost, well, you’re even worse and a bud select 55 is close enough to water to maybe help you out just a bit. And it’s easy enough to take along while you take out Bambi as well.

kristina: You can also net yourself an X-Box one with frosted flakes, just saying. Best $2-3 dollars I’ve spent in a while. (Fair, kids these days don’t get the silly little toys we got in their cereal boxes, but a game system certainly makes up for that fact.) You really can’t pick against Alabama at this point, so I won’t.

Chris: So, Bama’s at home and they are unstoppable juggernaut of pain. Fact. Bama is going to win and there’s not really much to it. Fitzgerald should have a good game for State, but come on man…come on. If I were State, and I won the toss, just take the ball so that’s one less possession for Bama to have to humiliate you.

Now that was the Kentucky I knew was hiding in that one dimensional fraud. Watching them take their beating at the hands of Georgia went exactly as I’d hoped. The fans, they had no idea what was happening as reality came crashing down. Oh that was sweet…Can you imagine if Mizzou had you know, run that last play properly on offense? How sweet would that have been. Damn you Barry Odom! Anyway, Tennessee on the other hand barely got by Charlotte, and I have no idea what to make of all that.

Scale of Watchability: Plain Cheerios. Now I am a fan of those, but when you know you’ve got the Honey Nut sitting there, and the bastard step brother, Apple Jacks just hanging out, this all just feels like a sad breakfast.

Paired Drink: Crap Bourbon. You know nothing good, just like these two teams that think they know bourbon. I mean this is all not good and it’s seriously disappointing.

kristina: I don’t like this one. We should have / could have beaten Kentucky, somehow they’re still ranked, yet I hate picking Tennessee. This may (“may” as RMN is basically a food blog disguised as a sports one) be a minority opinion, but Apple Jacks is the like the worst breakfast cereal ever. Fine, Kentucky. Um, enjoy your football team since your basketball team had to play Duke?

Chris: I’m going to take Kentucky and be unhappy about it. Stupid terrible Tennessee. But Kentucky will win and that should suck the will to live from UT and that should be good for Mizzou. I look forward to the Cats getting a bowl game they can’t handle and getting their doors blown off. It’s going to be sweet!

So Georgia handled Kentucky and Auburn beat A&M to get into the rankings. It’s the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry, which is fair but also kind of boring. And it wouldn’t be a normal week in college football if uniform choices weren’t discussed way more than they probably should be. If you’re superstitious, I guess it’s a thing, but just pick a damn jersey color and move on. Sports fans are weird. (Shocking, we know. This just in.) Seriously, though. Accept your schedule and play football.

Scale of Watchability: Rice chex. Hear me out on this one. Yeah, boring in basic theory, but you can make muddy buddies (whoever the hell wants to call it puppy chow, but you’re wrong), cheddar chex mix, a ton of stuff as long as you have the base. It’s kind of boring, but could be good. Plus side, the generic options are nice and cheap. That’s the weird thing about breakfast cereals, got to stay name-brand with some of them. Generic rice chex, fine. Generic cookie crisp is just a disaster.

Paired Drink: You know, it’s mostly colder in most parts of the country, the SEC has just been weird this season, we’re going warm/hot sake. (Does pair well with the rice chex if we can’t have sushi, no?) And then you can use those little sake cups you got like ten years ago for Christmas with a weird little half-waving cat that’ll never be used again.) It’s like the stuff in the china cabinet. It’s all for show. Hand wash = not happening.

kristina: Stupid Auburn. I’m a good little Mizzou fan and stick with us and the Aggies actually play football, and I’m golden. Things that didn’t happen. I love disparity for the post’s sake, but I also hate losing, so Georgia.

Chris: Thank you Georgia, thank you for putting Kentucky right in their place. Enjoy your place atop the East. And congrats to Auburn, your coach is paid far too much, has too high a buy out and now you’re going to watch him be mediocre for the foreseeable future. How delightful for you! Georgia with the win and they continue to roll to Atlanta where maybe they have a home field advantage against Bama? I have no idea…

This is the best the SEC could come up with to put in the night cap? THIS?! I mean I get that it’s an SEC West matchup and that’s exciting and all but damn…I mean, this could have been almost any other game and it would have been more compelling. But this is what we’ve got to close out the evening. I’m sorry for everyone around.

Scale of Watchability: Total. It’s the less cool version of Wheaties, and Wheaties isn’t even that cool come to speak of it. It’s entirely forgettable.

Paired Drink: Shots of Jack. I don’t advocate doing shots, but maybe if you get blitzed enough you’ll be able to understand what Coach O is saying in that dialect of his.

kristina: LSU. Doing cheap shots with cereal sounds like a plan for the worst Saturday ever. (Minus rail tequila, but we’re not talking about that.) Never give in to $1 tequila shots, kids. No good story may not start with salad, but you’ll feel a hell of a lot better if you go that route.

Chris: LSU, well you looked like everyone else who plays Bama. Ordinary and sad. I’m really unsure what to make of the “5” yard demarcations on your field. I kind of like it and I kind of hate it. But you’re playing in Arkansas this week and I’m guessing no one cares too much. Because Arkansas, they are not good. Take the Tigers and let’s all expect that somewhere Mike Anderson is picking out some nice ties. He always dresses well. I don’t miss you CMA like I used to, but I do appreciate what you did at Mizzou, even if you are a bad breaker upper. LSU by a whole bunch.

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That’s going to do it people. Here are our picks, they are our picks and we stand by them.

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Have a great weekend all, enjoy this slate of games, it’s not great, but I assure you, the nonsense and horribleness that will be staring you in the face next weekend are next level terrible.