The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 12 of the SEC Season

Well my friends, that was a very uneventful weekend of games in the SEC. There’s no sugarcoating it. Well except for one thing…there was one game that kind of stuck out, what was it. OH, yeah that’s right. The Kentucky-Tennessee game. You remember Kentucky right? They of the best season ever, soon to dethrone Georgia and head to Atlanta to take on Bama…For weeks and weeks and weeks we in this space have told you this was a mirage, a team beating teams that were very flawed and that this was allowing them to be a nice story. Well, look what’s happened. Kentucky got stomped by Tennessee. Just linger in that moment, that sweet, sweet moment. Just imagine if Mizzou and Vanderbilt hadn’t played with their, well you know, in the second half of those games! Anyway, I just really felt like riffing on that and am happy, so, so happy that things are righting themselves…But there were other games and we made picks.

To the records!

We’re still killing it my friends, still getting the job no one asked us to do and doing it well. So, kudos all around. Maybe we should start up a fan club. (Do people do fan clubs even anymore?)

But what does this week hold? Well, it’s the worst f’ing week of college football in the SEC imaginable. It is literally crap all up and down the schedule. In what world is Mizzou-Tennessee the game of the week on CBS? This should not happen with these teams with those records and these showings, really ever. And I love Mizzou! Gave them 4 years, oodles of cash and I say this to you, we have no business against those orange clad monsters playing in the mid afternoon the nation over.

I am sorry for everyone here, but let’s treat this like a band aid and get to it…Oh, and we’re rating the games based on chips/crackers, so you know the equivalent of this catastrophe….crackers. (Editor’s note - don’t worry, we, of course, have Thanksgiving foods up next week. Patience is a virtue, friends.)

To the “games”!

What in the name of Zeus’ B*tth*le is this? This is how your day has to start with? Is this game even legal? Can’t the Citadel just get the check and not make the trip? This seems cruel and unusual to all parties involved. I look forward to Saban complaining all day Sunday and Monday about how no one showed up to watch this glorified scrimmage. YOU DID THIS NICK, THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

Scale of Watchability: Off brand water crackers. On their best day, water crackers barely have flavor, just a tad more than a rice cake, but ‘m talking Walmart brand water crackers. Just coasters in a box that people put out because they think they look fancy. This is a travesty of a snack.

Paired Drink: A zombie. This is just a rack of different rums, liqueurs and fruit juices. It’s a hangover with guaranteed vomiting in a glass. It’s awful.

kristina: Yeah, I mean, let Tua have one series and then bench him so he doesn’t get injured? This game is silly. ‘Bama. Are there such things as fancy crackers? Sounds like sham to upcharge $4. Next up, artisan crackers.

Chris: Alabama. I mean what else can I say? Hopefully no one on Bama gets hurt and ends up tanking the season because this game happens. Or do I….?

Florida aiming for a New Year’s Six Bowl. Whatever, we still beat you and that was really fun. Maybe Idaho can get lucky and not have to really play this one as well. (Their last match-up was permanently postponed / cancelled / however you want to say it due to lightning after the very first play.) Still got paid!! Florida’s line is like almost 40, Idaho is 0-5 on the road, this is just silly. Oh, and Idaho, your mascot is really creepy looking.

Scale of Watchability: Saltines. Basic, boring, and unless you’re topping it with something far tastier, dipping them into soup, and/or coming off the flu, why bother?

Paired Drink: Bud Select, you know, what you drink when there’s just nothing else available. Even worse, the select 55. That’s basically just water-beer at that point. You can’t even drink it fast enough to get a buzz. Lame.

kristina: I get this is just the second game, but doubt we’ll have a lot to disagree on this week, lest, as usual, I try and get too cute with an upset, and we’re definitely not going that route with this one. Florida. One of these weeks we need to discuss which school has the creepiest looking mascot.

Chris: Idaho has wins over directional schools and the state of North Dakota, that’s it. They are going to get waxed in Gainesville. This is slightly better than the Bama game, but only slightly. I’m taking the Gators and would love for coaches to stop wearing visors at night, it looks ridiculous.

Ah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Look at that, Kentucky, you posers, you pretenders, you are not Mizzou 2014, you are far, FAR worse. You can’t do anything. At the end of this season, Mizzou’s loss to you is going to look bad, worse than the SC game because the coaching insanity that allowed it to happen will become the thing of legend. It will be how you teach teams and coaches not to do anything. It is the bizzaro version of coaching, basically, just do the opposite of everything. Anyway, the Cats can get right with a visit from Middle Tennessee, unless the wheels have truly fallen off the wagon…and I’m kind of hoping they have!

Scale of Watchability: Lays WOW. These are the chips that caused those who consumed them to have diarrhea, abdominal cramping and other uncontrollable issues. That’s this game, in one bite.

Paired Drink: What goes will with your WOWs? Stag beer. People will die on a hill for this beer, but I’m sorry, it’s gross and what it does to your insides, well I can only imagine.

kristina: We’re on the same page here, have to go Kentucky but an upset would be funny as hell. Why would you even buy a product that basically guarantees on the packaging that your digestive system is going to hate life for a while?

Chris: Man I would really like to pick Middle Tennessee, but they have looked kind of dodgy all year long. This is not the MTSU that ruined homecoming in Barry Odom’s first year, so I have to pick Kentucky, those charlatans. But I am hoping for a giant upset on Kroger field. Make it happen MTSU, DO IT!

So which is worse, the clanging cowbells (sans the SNL sketch ‘cause that’s hilarious) or woo pig sooie? Poor Arky, still not one conference win, and it’s shaping up to be one of, if not the worst, season in school history. Shocking, given you lost to some directional Texas school and Colorado State, yet hang with LSU. Outside of Alabama destroying everything and everybody, the SEC is just weird this season.

Scale of Watchability: Cream cheese and chive kettle chips. It sounds so good at first, but it kind of was lacking once you really dove in. Sounds like someone just was tired of the sour cream and cheese combo and tried to get creative. I mean, at least they’re kettle chips, but the flavor just isn’t meshing right.

Paired Drink: Michelob Ultra. It’ll do in a pinch, not awful, not amazing. Good thing you can drink a lot of it and not get a hangover, ‘cause we’re getting way too old for those. Save the heavier stuff for later, ‘cause especially if we lose our game, you’re going to need it.

kristina: I have to go with State. First off, they should, win, Arky’s not good, and b. Fayetteville let a waffle house close so they can open up a cookie joint. Spare me the “oh, but the cookies are so good!!!” rant, it’s a college town, and hungover college kids want hash browns and waffles. Artisan cookies? MEH. As Chris would say, hard pass. (We also clearly don’t agree on the basic best chip option. Shocking?)

Chris: Hey, it’s an SEC game, a real one! How refreshing. Arkansas continues to do Arkansas things and State is at home, so you know the play. State wins, Nick Fitzgerald wows a bunch of GMs in the NFL who start planning to take him only to be severely let down when he doesn’t work out. Book it. State for the win and the sort of savior of the morning games.

Well, last week in Pregaming I did ask for Mizzou to pull out a close game, preferably coming from behind, so mission accomplished, thanks Tigers! On the other side of things, Tennessee went out, took Kentucky behind a middle school and beat it with a basketball and got all sorts of confidence going. That win and all of a sudden Jeremy Pruitt is now going to be the next Kirby Smart, at least that’s what Vols fans will tell you. Honestly, this game scares the hell out of me. I have no idea what’s going to happen. Mizzou is wildly unreliable and Tennessee is making moves. Also, there’s the Dooley the factor.

Scale of Watchability: Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. These are the best chips in the world and we won’t even discuss it any further. They’re delicious and great and are perfect for road tripping. Plus Mitch Hedberg, RIP.

Paired Drink: Ricard. It’s French, it takes the edge off and it makes everything better. Have you ever wanted to know what makes Chris be, drink this and you’ll know.

kristina: Sober Chris is just drunk anyone else. One wonders what drunk Chris equals out to be. Sounds like you-tube fodder to me. I’m going to be the good little Mizzou fan and pick our tigers. Um, but can you not make it a “last play to decide the game” game? We have to discuss this chip thing further, cause we’re basically a food blog and that’s just nonsense. Granted, I’ve never been a pringle fan in general, but anyway..................

Chris: I honestly don’t know what to make of this game…it frightens me. It’s a roadie, Mizzou has been good on the road, it’s on CBS, Mizzou not so good on CBS, Tennessee has been bad, but now are good. I am conflicted. Well, I’ll base this on some things, Mizzou loses because this just feels like a game Barry Odom teams tend to lose. But I hope I’m wrong!

Georgia is favored by around 45 points, why is the game even happening? And why is such an awful week in the SEC happening this late into the season? Enjoy your fun until you have to play Alabama. UMass has yet to win against an SEC team, no surprise there. Apparently, Georgia might pull out the black jerseys for this one, I mean, it’s 99.9% likely a blow-out, at least give your fans the uniforms they want to see? Beats your coach crabbing about attendance.

Scale of Watchability: Plain oyster crackers. By themselves, they serve no purpose. Absolutely nothing. It’s like your basic generic ketchup. Just severely lacking. (Ketchup is definitely one of those things where brand matters.)

Paired Drink: Coors light. (Uh, good thing my FIL doesn’t read these things?) Boring/plain, although at least it’s cheap?

kristina: One of the most boring WS ever. I get there’s a rooting interest to argue that fact, but still. Anyway, Bulldogs. I mean, if coaches are really going to get into fans and why they’re not attending, don’t schedule super-cupcakes maybe? Just a thought.

Chris: Georgia, the Bulldgos, just sitting there waiting for Notre Dame or Michigan to fall…man I hope its Notre Dame. I really don’t care for them. Anyway, UMass gets its paycheck, gets back to Massachusetts and presumably, those from the area enjoy Mookie Betts’ MVP season.

This game is only slightly worse than the Bama vs Citadel annihilation, but only slightly. Auburn last week took a beating and this week they get a reprieve against a school that apparently has a football team, or so the schedule says. But this game is just hot stinking garbage. It’s almost as if the SEC wants to highlight Mizzou, so, cool?

Scale of Watchability: Those Ketchup flavored chips. This is lazy and disgusting. It’s not going to have you living in the bathroom, but it’s almost as gross.

Paired Drink: Tequila and Soda. It’s for drinkers who don’t like booze. I mean, what are you even doing?

kristina: It’s like the Heinz ketchup and mayo thing. Why? It’s only good if we’re highlighted and we win though. I get lays likes to introduce new flavors, but you have to at least take a step back and thing about it. The coffee flavored chips? That’s just a no. What were they thinking? Auburn.

Chris: Auburn. Let the season of sort of Gus roll on. I look forward to the severe beating they put on Liberty. Lynchburgh is a hideous, hideous, awful, terrible no good place.

Well, given this week has a lot of ‘why bother to watch it games”, I mean it’s already been pegged as a cupcake week, this one might actually be interesting. (Read that as Aggies probably win but it’s not a ridiculous blow-out.) UAB isn’t bad at all, they’re almost ranked, the Aggies have screwed things up a bit in the past, so we may actually have something here. (Outside of the Mizzou game, of course.) Fair random question for the evening, do you watch games after Mizzou loses? Not saying we will, just curious when it does happen.

Scale of Watchability: Your basic, nothing crazy, plain Lays. Tasty, you’ll probably go through half the bag until you realize you’ve made a poor decision, but they’re still good. Chip staple for sure. I almost wanted to go Dorito’s here, but that cheesy powder stuff just gets on everything.

Paired Drink: An actually decent fall craft beer. Yes, we’re wasting another week dissing pumpkin spice beer because we can. And not like it matters, Missouri didn’t have a fall this year. It went from 70’s to measurable snow in like a week. Not a fan.

kristina: I want to say UAB, but after Ole Miss screwed my upset pick last week, we’re going to try and be responsible, right, like who are we kidding, that’s not happening, but have to go Aggies.

Chris: A&M, but I’m pulling for UAB. Bear Bryant’s son decided that the state only had room for his dad’s Alabama and UAB had no place in his little world. Paul Bryant, you are a bad person, and yeah, that’s about it for me on this whole thing. Oh, and thanks UAB for knocking out Kentucky and giving us Mike Anderson, the man who brought Mizzou basketball back from the abyss.

I guess you can’t have a day of terrible football without having a night of terrible football. What a night game? I mean who isn’t excited for Rice and LSU in Saturday prime time? Sign me up! Like with Bama and Georgia, Tiger fans better hope that nobody gets hurt and derails the whole thing. What a sham of a game.

Scale of Watchability: Mini Toasts. I mean what even is this? It’s little stale crackers shaped like a loaf of bread, what exactly is the point? This isn’t even a reasonable vehicle for anything.

Paired Drink: Boxed Wine. Just lean right into your evening. This game is a waste of your time, and so is Franzia, so I suppose it pairs well.

kristina: Franzia is pretty horrible. Most boxed wine is, but hey, cheap has its function, and what better way to get to bed really early than plowing through an entire box of wine. Less crazy side effects than Ambien, just saying. LSU. By a lot.

Chris: LSU and I mean, Rice? Really? I’m sure they’ve applied for Big 12 membership at this point. Did they get it? That conference doesn’t have enough Texas schools. Anthony Rendon is the GOAT!

What’s a SEC fan to do when you have either cupcakes or games like this one? Find some random netflix movie I guess. And some of them are really weird, so that’s saying something. Vandy needs to win both of their next two games to become bowl-eligible, slightly amusing as last week didn’t turn out so well for them (somehow.) Maybe Ole Miss defends the third down really well, uh, too soon?

Scale of Watchability: Spicy sriracha chips. Tasty, but just a little ‘dab will do you, or you’ll end up, yet again, worshiping the porcelain god. Little dab will do you. Just like this game, who really wants to watch Vandy and Ole Miss for the whole time?

Paired Drink: Bud light. This is one of the better match-ups somehow for the SEC, but that doesn’t mean it’s great. But it’s reliable and you won’t wake up feeling like hell, which at our age, is a huge plus.

kristina: I tried Ole Miss last week and it didn’t work out, so as much as I like disparity, we’ll go Vandy. At least I’ll get to watch our game on tv this week? Listening to the end of the vandy game on radio was insanely frustrating.

Chris: Any other week, in a normal week this would be the dregs of the schedule but in this week this is a top 3 matchup and that’s a horrible, horrible shame. I’ll take Vandy because those guys can play some defense and that matters in the SEC or so we’ve been led to believe.

Finally, we’ve reached the end of this docket of games. And what a perfect ending…something just as awful as the rest of them. Chattanooga does have a really fun logo however. It’s a bird driving a train and you better believe he’s wearing the hat that all train conductors in movies and tv wear. I demand that Amtrak bring that back. And make there be coal dust everywhere, even if it’s not needed. BRING ME MY NOSTALIGAI ON THE NORTH EAST DIRECT!

Scale of Watchability: Wheat thins. Those things are blah, and I’ve run out of chips and crackers, so yeah, wheat thins it is. Wheat thins…

Paired Drink: Clamato! It’s not good and it won’t do you any favors, just like this waste of your time.

kristina: We could have gone triscuits? Yeah, have to go South Carolina. Cupcake weeks suck, just no fun in changing up our records. Then again, it’s all for fun and games, once Chris had to send me for real booze, he stopped actual betting. It was tasty though. RMN, meet new friends, get free wine. It’s wonderful!

Chris: We made it! The end, and the end is South Carolina, good on you Gamecocks, you’ve got a win over the Mocs in the middle of November…good lord…

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And that’s it my friends. Check out the choices below and wager accordingly, you can’t lose! Actually you can, don’t wager too, too hard.

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Friends, just enjoy the Mizzou game, literally everything else is pretty much unwatchable. Spend this weekend with your friends, family, a good book or just stare at a wall. Next week is so much better than this level of crap, so enjoy this weekend off and get ready for the fun that will be next week.