The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 13 of the SEC Season

Wow, just wow. What a weekend in the SEC last week. We warned you it would be dreadful and outside of the Mizzou game and the first half of the ‘Bama game, we weren’t far off. I mean seriously, last week should never have happened. But, the salve for last week’s atrocities is this week’s festival of great games (at least on paper). It’s Rivalry Week! Traditional foes are taking each other on, non traditional foes are facing off because some people (Texas and Kansas) are still super salty that they were left in the dysfunctional Big 12, or in Texas’ case the cause of all the dysfunction. And to the Big 12 we say enjoy your “championship game” and another year where you won’t be represented in the college football playoff. For Kansas, you hired Les Miles and I’m betting this hire ends up treating you like the Charlie Weis one did. Good luck!

But there were games to pick last week and let’s see how we made out.

To the records!

Kristina, perfect again. 11 correct, and nary a misstep in there. I did not believe in our Tigers and it bit me right in the ass. I’m sorry Drew Lock et al., I should have given less credence to Tennessee’s straight whooping of Kentucky, who clearly is just garbage.

Anyway, enough about last week, let’s focus up on this week’s games, and I do mean this week because we’ve got games starting tonight and running through Saturday. For those of you who just can’t get into the NFL because of all the things they do wrong and how corrupt they are, you’re in luck! This week starts off with the Egg Bowl after dark, the perfect cherry on top of a hopefully delightful Thanksgiving break.

And because we’re celebrating Thanksgiving we’re bringing back Thanksgiving foods as our ranking system for this week. Thanksgiving is the best, so we might as well just go full Turkey on this week’s action.

To the games!

What a nice way to start your Thanksgiving evening. At this point the family should have dispersed or you’ve made your exit and headed to your home (or your high school bedroom) and can really lay into the leftovers with a nice glass of something or other. You’ve dealt with the NFL and that uncle of yours with the opinions and it’s time for SEC after dark. We’ve got State trying to end Ole Miss’ season and shoot future NFL bust Nick Fitzgerald into the stratosphere. I do not know what State will be wearing but I bet it’s kind of cool.

Scale of Watchability: Sweet Potato something or other. Everyone does this thing differently but the point is it’s tasty, it’s kind of a desert light mid meal and it’s satisfying and really you don’t miss it all year round but you’re happy to have it.

Paired Drink: After a day of turkey, hors d’oeuvres and talking, you’re going to need to grab a Vodka and Red Bull to keep going. Now I would not advocate for this normally, but you need a pick me up and this drink will get you back on the good foot to last the evening through.

kristina: I get I don’t like sweets all that much, so just stick to straight sweet potato, and stop piling marshmallows and a bunch of other crud on top of it. State it is.

Chris: State, all the way. They’re at home, it’s their arch rival and Ole Miss is crap, can’t play defense but can score at will. Should be a fun shootout, which is just what you’ll need at this point of the day/evening.

Wasn’t last Saturday fun? All the voluntears!! Arky hasn’t won a conference game, they’re short two players for hitting up the State dance squad / spirit squad, whatever, this could be fun. I mean, Coach Odom picking up the tab for tickets so it’s a packed house, how cool. Though, maybe not as fun since Arky, is well, really not good. But you’re still probably in a food coma and can’t move, so let’s just enjoy, ‘cause winning is fun.

Scale of Watchability: So RMN is basically a food blog that sometimes discusses sports, so I’m sure the options on the best Thanksgiving food will have some disagreement, shocking. But, even with issues in cooking, the main course is, of course, turkey. Throw some gravy on it if need be, but who doesn’t center the whole damn meal around the bird? And honestly, there are ways so it doesn’t dry out. And then you have a week of turkey based left-overs.

Paired Drink: The good bourbon. Not the stuff you served to the in-laws you didn’t get along with yesterday. It’s our final in-season game, it’s senior day, Lock’s Mizzou career is quickly coming to an end. Sip it and enjoy it, folks.

kristina: Oh so now Chris is on the “Mizzou is going to win” bandwagon. Since, again, I am a good little Mizzou fan, of course, our Tigers. This is one of the times sand entirely work I’m glad I have a large monitor so I can work and have the game on at the same time without destroying my eyesight. Hopefully I have some turkey leftovers, or at least some cooked clearance turkey.

Chris: Mizzou and this game should be beating. A proper beating. Drew Lock and Terry B are going out in their final home game at Ol Mizzou in a blaze of TDs and sacks, it’s going to be glorious. So all you Missourians, if you’re half way close, get yourself into the family truckster and head to campus and have a great time!

It’s the battle for Atlanta, I guess. I don’t really think Georgia Tech has much to say in this game. Now, they have not had a terrible season, but they did lose to USF, not to be confused with National Champions, World Series Winners, World Cup Champs and Gold Medal Curling team, UCF, and Duke, not the Zion Duke, just regular football Duke. So really, they shouldn’t put up much a fight against the Dawgs in a game they have to have to continue to hope for a chance at the playoffs. And how is this game not played in Atlanta every year? HOW?!

Scale of Watchability: Green beans, out of a can, not some butter covered Haricots Verts. I mean they’re fine and not the worst part of the meal, but this does nothing for me, NOTHING.

Paired Drink: It’s the start of your Saturday that’s got some good stuff here, so why not have a Swirl Margarita? It’s frozen, it’s got tequila, it’s got sangria, it’s pretty and it’s going to get you off and running.

kristina: Do people actually serve just green beans? I mean, if there’s one day that you go green bean casserole or bust, it’s Thanksgiving. None of this fancy French stuff! Bulldogs. Enjoy it before you get ‘Bama.

Chris: Georgia. To them, it truly does just mean more…And they don’t want to blow this so close to Atlanta, both figuratively and literally. Tech should hang around but then come second half they done.

Supposedly this rivalry is called the sunshine showdown, which is maybe marginally better than the Battle Line Rivalry, and hopefully they also have a better trophy. Florida State has won the past five years, and the last seven out of eight, ouch, and Florida State wants a win to keep up their streak of reaching bowl eligibility (They’re going for 37 seasons in this one). It’s apparently enough to make ESPN’s hater’s guide to rivalry week. At post, the line was the Gators by around five.

Scale of Watchability: Mashed potatoes with gravy. [Editor’s Note: these are gross, come at me! - CB] Again, it’s just a staple you have to have, and you can make little gravy dams and all that fun. Yes, traditional can be boring, but it can also be tasty.

Paired Drink: Pinot Noir. Unless you’re in whatever realm where it’s above seventy of course, but if not, go for it.

kristina: Oh goody, another meme in my name. I’ve lost track at this point. But see, isn’t it fun until your upset pick loses horribly and then, well, it’s not much fun and Chris mocks you come the next post. But it’s okay, ‘cause we did mimosas this morning and I went prosecco over champagne.

Chris: I’m going to pull a kristina and take Florida State. They of the professor reading a book topless cause the weather was nice and he wanted to be outside, but not technically alone. I shouldn’t be doing this, but Florida looks flawed and it’s away, so why not have some fun with this whole thing?

At one time, this game meant so much more than it did, all the way back in the first week of the season. Then Auburn started doing stupid things, like taking a loss to Tennessee, who as we all know, is not so good at the football. Where the Tigers have been wildly inconsistent, the Tide have been very consistent, destroying all comers. And while tradition will have a hand in getting people hype, it won’t matter, Bama is still Bama.

Scale of Watchability: Creamed onions. You get excited for them, you start thinking about them a week before the holiday and then it’s the day of and there they sit, lying in their pearl cream sauce just waiting to be taken down. Then, the reality sets in and they’re just ok.

Paired Drink: The Alabama Slammer, either in shot or drink form. Sure, it’s obvious, but it’s the battle for Alabama supremacy and well why not go for it. It’ll probably give you a wicked hangover, and it was part of Tom Cruise’s crap poetry from the 80s.

kristina: As usual, ‘Bama. Just a bummer this one may be really boring to watch. I have never had creamed onions at a Thanksgiving meal. (And we have a few really non-traditional relatives who’ve done some crazy, though tasty, stuff.)

Chris: Alabama, but I’d really like for Auburn to pull this one off. I’m not sure what it would do other than sew some chaos, but chaos is fun no? Bama still makes it to Atlanta and who knows what then? But Bama it is…we will be disappointed.

I mean, you don’t want to root for a meteor, but at the same time............ the line is close, either team need a win to become bowl eligible, and the loser ends up last in the SEC East. Uh, least it’s not us? It’s not a good time for this rivalry, last year both teams were looking for their first conference win. Time to become basketball schools? Underwater basket weaving?

Scale of Watchability: Fruitcake. Why anyone started this as a holiday tradition is nonsense. Those weird jello-casserole things are a very close second. Just nope. Though if you need to send a message to a relative that you really don’t care, that’s one way to go about things. A text or phone call might suffice, but why not show up, eat their turkey, stuffing and whatever else, and leave a fruitcake. Clever girl.

Paired Drink: The off-brand cheap beer your uncle bought since he’s cheap and knew everyone would drink a ton of it. Even worse, it’s an off-brand pumpkin spice beer. (Yes, we’re just trying to cause controversy, it’s what we do.)

kristina: Fine, since Chris did it up above, I’ll go “not the best idea” and pick the Vols, something is clearly wrong with me. It works though, if Vandy wins, yay!!, Tennessee lost again, and if the Vols win, lol, I get another point. Though given last year’s score, yeah, this is not a good pick.

Chris: Tennessee fans really are quite whiny. And so, this loss to Vandy is going to be that much sweeter, because that means they’re not going Bowling. Get this “W” Commodores, get it done right! The voluntears must flow and flow freely. Damn you orange clad monsters for tricking me into believing you, damn you all the way to hell.

Another game that looks not too shabby on paper right? But then you read the words on the paper and well it’s not looking good for SC. And why does Clemson wear purple? Can someone please fill me in? I’d really like to know. There’s a few games that would prime upset spots, but all the upsetters (that a word?) would have to do it on the road and I just don’t see it happening here. Besides we need Clemson to beat up little Notre Dame in the playoffto really bring this all home.

Scale of Watchability: Stuffing, but out the bird stuffing. Every year in between the clips of people lighting themselves, loved ones and houses on fire by dropping a frozen turkey into a vat of boiling oil, we have to hear how stuffing a turkey will end you. I don’t care, that stuff is delicious. This extra on the side stuffing however just pales in comparison to the competition.

Paired Drink: Beaujolois Nouveau! It’s the first wine of the year and it’s always a big party! But it is a celebration of crap wine that hasn’t had time to do its thing. So strap in for the hangover that will ensue, you’ve been warned!

kristina: Clemson. Fried turkey is actually pretty good, actually throw whatever you can find into the fryer, it’s all entertaining. Wait, this one is called the Carolina–Clemson rivalry? Are we not even trying at this point?

Chris: Clemson continues to dominate the state of South Carolina. This game, she is not close and how in the h-e-double hockey sticks did Mizzou screw this game up? Don’t you dare blame it on the rain.

Oh, poor Louisville, just what are you doing? You got destroyed by North Carolina State and just have given up on that whole play good defense thing. Giving up 77 points in one game? Football version of a hot mess? Well, we’ll reserve that for the state to the west for now, but still. Hell, one Kentucky linebacker has more sacks this year than Louisville has as a team. Aren’t stats fun sometimes? (And no, Bill C. did not endorse this post, he’s still probably thumbing through Puma’s holiday catalog.)

Scale of Watchability: The random corn based dish no one really notices. Kentucky’s not bad, Louisville is awful, why waste your time when there’s booze and pumpkin pie to deal with. Obviously the only day of the year when pie is acceptable, of course. One day, the pie vs. cake and what constitutes a sandwich debates will come to an end, but that’s not happening anytime soon.

Paired Drink: Spiced apple cider. And I’m sure someone will complain on this one, but it’s a holiday, there are so many better options for drinks, why are you wasting stomach space on this stuff? Thanksgiving is definitely the holiday to utilize what all you can fit in.

kristina: I guess trying to aim for being the last in most categories is a goal of some sorts? Wait, we talking football or Blues hockey? (Too soon?) Honestly not sure how the blues rank, I just have watched enough to know it’s, for now, not worth my time. Kentucky for sure. Again, best of both worlds, Kentucky wins, yay, Louisville wins, and that’s just funny.

Chris: Why? How? Louisville, seriously? You couldn’t have been just mildly bad instead of horrendously awful? Is the road enough to disrupt the Cats? I hope so. But I have to take Kentucky even though they are the charlatans that I’ve been calling them all year. Next year, once Brohm is in Louisville they’ll get back to good and they’ll stomp Kentucky on the regular.

When A&M and Mizzou joined the SEC, we were paired with Arkansas and the Aggies, LSU since they had some history as we did with the Hogs. And when this game was moved to Thanksgiving weekend, well things went sh*thouse for LSU fans. Sure they didn’t mind playing A&M but they were going to be damned if it was this weekend of all weekends because they really felt they should be playing someone else I suppose. Maybe Tulane, or better yet, the Saints. It is with this back drop that we head into the final game of the SEC regular season.

Scale of Watchability: Cranberry Sauce, from the can, not the fancy stuff. If it doesn’t wiggle and jiggle and have lines on it, PASS!

Paired Drink: A Manhattan. Thanksgiving season is over and now it’s the other holiday season, so grab some good bourbon, some good vermouth (Dolins preferably), toss a maraschino cherry in there and sip to your little heart’s content.

kristina: Again, kind of want to go “too cute” here, but sticking with LSU. Actually, seems like A&M is favored, not by much, but yeah, I’ll stick with LSU. Anything that retains their canned form for hours should be feared.

Chris: LSU is gonna do it to it. They need magic to happen and if they don’t Coach O is going to be upset and then, THEN they have to face off with Chester, the iguana that Coach O spends all his time and who helps out with special teams on occasion. Good season Aggies?

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That will do it! What a long strange SEC season we’ve had, But it’s been fun. If you take out Bama, the SEC has had a very up and down season in the best kind of way. So, enjoy these last set of games and bet accordingly:

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Thanks for reading and happy thanksgiving! We at TLFG wish you well and are Thankful for you! We’ll be back for championship weekend and of course Bowl Season. But until then, enjoy your family, friends, loved ones and all that sweet, sweet food!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING RMN!!!