The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Championship Week

It’s over…for the most part. Say good bye to the SEC season that was…for the most part. Take ‘Bama out of the mix and you have a very weird and strangely exciting season, but taking ‘Bama out of the context of the whole thing is impossible. However, there is one team left that can do just that. And then there is another game with an SEC team, somehow. Anyway, with only two games (seriously, there’s one more SEC game besides the ‘ship), we thought we here at the LFG would provide you with picks for all the other championship games. Have we watched those other teams? Maybe! (Editor’s note: Not really) Do we know what we’re talking about? Possibly! (Editor’s note: No chance in hell) It’s going to be weird, wild stuff.

But before we perform a deep dive into championship week (and that other confusing game) we must check our work from last week.

To the records!

Ties, ties all around. Florida State got me, Tennessee got kristina, and we both got punched in the pacemaker by the Aggies who scored a million points to LSU’s only slightly less than a million on Friday night. What a strange game that was, and I really wish someone would have just let Kevin Falk rip little Fisher in half, just for the sheer stupidity of thinking he could take on a former college and NFL running back.

But that’s in the past and we can worry about what was. all we want later, for now we must focus on championship week!

To rank the games on watchability, we’re going to rank the games based on desperation meals. You know, when there’s nothing to eat but you do have to and you don’t want to go out, nor can you order takeout, it’s really the worst of all worlds. Clearly we’re circling the drain here people...

To the games!

Welcome to Maction. Brig out the husky high fiving someone and let’s settle in to a nice post work football game. Really, you could do this during happy hour if you’re just not ready to head home because of that new cat you adopted who keeps attacking you. What do we know about both teams? Not much. Wes Clark went to Buffalo and succeeded after departing the clutches of Kim Anderson and Northern Illinois once claimed they invented homecoming because they had a picnic that one time.

Scale of Watchability: Canned food mashup. Just open your vegetable cans, throw em in a pot, heat and “enjoy.” This will not taste good, unless you love tin.

Paired Drink: It’s Friday evening so have a Dragon Bowl. It’s a bunch of booze, it’s on fire and you get to share it with friends, what’s not to like.

kristina: Is this mashup thing really a thing? Sounds awful. I mean, right now, I have cans of pumpkin and mixed veggies. That sounds miserable. This whole post is just literally flip a coin / I need a dart board. (Which, if I beat Chris, makes it all that more amusing.) It’s about time someone sends me free booze, damnit. I’m still figuring out why, outside of being drunk or stoned, did I pick Tennessee? I’ll never learn, clearly. So, for that reason, we’ll take Northern Illinois.

Chris: Really, who cares? I’m taking Buffalo for Wes and they are far better, just based on record. Also, if Buffalo wins, and KU hadn’t signed on with Les, I’m assuming they would have hired their coach, Ol what’s his name. I’m going to be honest, I’m more interested in the game that follows…

So the winner gets the rose bowl, and if you’re like our (can we still claim him?!) Bill C. and love the stats, Washington is your pick. Utah’s never played in the Rose Bowl, they lost to Washington earlier in the season, and Washington leads the series 11-1. Utah is playing in the title game for the first time, yeah, Washington’s only played once, but since Bill’s not around, stats don’t matter!

Scale of Watchability: The styrofoam container you have in the back of the fridge, not sure if it’s still edible, but hey, try it out and hope for the best. (Way cheaper way of staying in bed all day Saturday versus drinking a case or two of beer.)

Paired Drink: Six pack of Bud Light. Basic beer and week old leftovers just go together. Honestly, how long do you give leftovers? I mean, it’s nice if they date them, but otherwise, you’re relying on your memory, and when has that ever worked?

kristina: I guess Washington? I mean, I’ll watch it if I can’t find anything else? I honestly haven’t watched anything outside of the SEC this year, so we’re just guessing. Hell, let’s be honest, like that’s no different than all the other weeks.

Chris: This is how relevant the Pac 12 is. They play on Friday night at 5:00 PM local time, it’s almost as if they don’t even want to be considered for the playoff. Maybe Larry Scott is playing for markets overseas or something. Anyway, I’m taking Washington after their thorough beating of State in the Apple Cup in the snow last week. Sorry Alex Smith, your team goes down hard.

Ah the Big 12 title game…we did that a few times. My most memorable memory of this game is Martin Gramatica taking out A&M during the Michael Bishop era and as a result I really thought Corby and Devin were headed to the Alamo Bowl. Alas, we went to the Insight.com Bowl (as it was called at the time) and Marc Bulger was beaten within an inch of his life (he wasn’t.) This game could really be important however in ensuring the Big 12 is fully out of the playoff, and wouldn’t that be sweet?

Scale of Watchability: Ramen Noodles that you found in the pantry. I mean, they’re not good, but if you thought you had nothing, this is pretty good, nice and tasty…

Paired Drink: Saturday morning calls for a Stiegel Raddler. It’s grapefruit and beer and it’s morningish, so have a beerish to start your dayish.

kristina: Is it bad my kids love the cheap ramen? I don’t get it, silly children. They prefer the top steak cuts, but $.99 noodles are awesome? Oklahoma. Can I pick the meteor on this one?

Chris: Another rematch, isn’t that the point of these championship games (aside from money), to get two teams that haven’t faced each other head to head? Let’s go with Texas, horns up! Really, if both teams could lose that would be spectacular. But Oklahoma has zero defense and that’s not a good sign. Plus, again, I want the Big 12 to be shutout of this whole playoff thing. I will, will it to be true!

So it’s the first actual Sun Belt championship game, guess they finally decided to award something besides participation ribbons? Winner gets the New Orleans Bowl, not too shabby! Honestly, New Orleans just makes me think of either Mardi Gras or crawfish, and the latter is just too much damn work for what you get out of it.

Scale of Watchability: Generic mac-n-cheese. Come on, what kid doesn’t want the kraft stuff, and you can always tell. And if you buy the weirdo shaped ones, it’s just not the same. Same thing when you take the kiddos out to eat. Not kraft? Not happening.

Paired Drink: Brandy Milk Punch. I’m not sure whether this sounds amazing or just vomit inducing. Tough call.

kristina: I guess I’ll go App State. I’ve never been to New Orleans, am I missing much?

Chris: App State. Remember when they beat Michigan? That was sweet. Or when they almost beat UT to start the year a couple years ago? Man, good times! Can’t blame that one on Dooley, Vols fans. Hey look at that, two teams that will bowl and one who won’t, ha Tennessee you stink.

And now this. In the midst of championship games of varying levels of importance (three might be worth it), there’s this. Akron and South Carolina are making up a game from earlier this year, this weekend…I guess this is happening. But really, what to make of this? Couldn’t this have been done Thursday night or never?

Scale of Watchability: Tea bags. Now I’m not saying you’re eating tea bags, but desperate times and all…

Paired Drink: Rhinelander Beer. This is the crap I could afford my freshman year, and it was awful. A case was about 10 bucks and nothing looked fresh.

kristina: Yeah, agreed why this game needs to happen. Boring.................. South Carolina just for conference sake. But it’d be funny if they’d lose, I wouldn’t mind.

Chris: South Carolina….SEC right?! I mean, what are we even doing here. Akron is firing their coach, South Carolina is just doing this so Will Muschamp can wear out his khakis. I bet he LOVES a good strong pleat. And when are Akron and Nebraska rescheduling?

So both teams are making their first appearance in the Conference USA championship game, good for them! It’s a quick rematch as they literally just played each other last week. Happened to be the first conference loss for UAB. Also, the forecast has possible rain and high winds, this could be fun! Bad weather seems to be an equalizer, no?

Scale of Watchability: Slightly aged Cheerios. You know it’s been a bad day when dried out cereal without milk seems like a good dinner option. That, or you’re just insanely lazy, or possibly both. Generic O’s or whatever would be even worse. Usually generic cereals are fine, but not in this case.

Paired Drink: With cereal? Rumchata! Honestly, why don’t they push this is just the boozed up milk from cinnamon toast crunch? Delicious!

kristina: I’ll go MTSU. Risky, but they did win last week. Another “for disparity’s sake” pick that will end up being a poor choice. I mean, they did need Marshall to win to make this game?

Chris: Look at that, UAB is in a championship game. Take that Bear Bryant’s horrid offspring! Anyway, this is not your typical MTSU (who was once featured on Bar Rescue) team that your brain goes to immediately. So I’m taking UAB (so glad Mizzou and HCMA never did this), for spite. Which is as good a reason as any really.

This sucks. Now, mind you I don’t care for UCF or their antics, but what happened to their QB was wildly unfortunate. That dude, man, terrible. And now they must play Memphis who they already beat once by one. Like so many other title games, this is stupid. Get bigger or get rid of the championship game.

Scale of Watchability: Dried pasta. In this scenario you are without water. So just biting into some ziti raw…gross.

Paired Drink: Mad Dog 20/20. It’s a staple for all kids at the University of Maryland and probably why they are prone to burning couches and attempting to fight livestock.

kristina: Regarding livestock, I honestly grew up thinking cow tipping was a term for drug use or something else, but no, it’s literally what it is. Country kids must be bored! (I know, I’m married to one, and he verified it’s a thing, though he swears he never did it, sure, sure.) Uh, UCF. And yeah, that injury was awful. You know it’s bad when they don’t show the replay.

Chris: I’m taking Josh Heupel and UCF and enough teams lose ahead of them, they’re still not making the playoff. But you can be back to back imaginary champs, really of anything. I think they should claim all the Tour de France victories that that jerk Lance had stripped. The UCF Golden Knights, they sealed the Tour with their climb to the top of Alpe d’Huez ahead of Salvatore Commesso, Dick Vitale, King Ralph, and Herbie the Love Bug.

So, no big surprise, we have ‘Bama and Georgia for the SEC title game, and all sorts of talk what happens if, somehow, the bulldogs manage to win, as to the college playoff situation. Then again, Tagovailoa kind of ruined their bid last year. I mean, ‘Bama has outscored their opponents 588 to 165 this season. Have fun with that. (Mizzou fans would know?)

Scale of Watchability: Leftover take-out Chinese food. It’s, for me, the best game on the schedule, duh, and besides the rice, it’s still damn tasty. And now I’m in the mood for pot-stickers, damnit.

Paired Drink: Sake, of course. But not the warm kind, I just can’t do that stuff. Why do we need warm booze? Any of it. Hard apple cider, hard pass. Yeah, you can add stuff to coffee but you’re negating the caffeine so what’s the point? Just drink the booze straight.

kristina: Going to stick to my usual mantra, ‘Bama until they actually lose, which won’t be happening. I mean, I do like Chris’ scenario, but we have to be rational here! (Uh, well, not really.)

Chris: F It. Let’s go for chaos. Georgia gets revenge from last year’s title game snafu and knocks Alabama from 1^st to 2^nd in the playoff ranking and everyone in the Big 10, Pac 12, Big 12 and UCF freak out because two SEC teams, Notre Dame (BARF) and Clemson make up the college football final four. I hope this, I hope this so hard.

Boise had a quiet little good season no? And Fresno State is the best team in the state of California. What a wild year it was in the west while you were sleeping. Fun fact about this game, one team is from the division called “Mountain” and the other “West.” How long did it take to come up with that I ask you? I hope they paid a marketing firm hundreds of thousands of dollars for this genius idea.

Scale of Watchability: Tomato paste. It’s really not too bad, and it comes in a tube, like toothpaste and that’s fun.

Paired Drink: A gin rickey. It’s the official drink of DC as it was apparently maybe invented here. It’s gin, it’s lime, soda water and delicious.

kristina: This is like those people who pick their NCAA basketball brackets by mascot or school colors or something silly like that, but I’ll take Boise State since they have a cool blue football field, even though it’s a little weird.

Chris: Fresno State. Remember, a Carr brother attended school here. Really, aren’t we just happy Mizzou never ended up in this conference? Us and Kansas and State and Baylor just whiling away, getting beat by weird schools…

So it’s Clemson vs Pittsburgh which just sounds silly, no offense to the latter’s fanbase. But honestly, Clemson, at post time, was favored by 27 points, this is just going to be ugly. Pitt shouldn’t probably be in this game, and Clemson is still in the talk for the playoffs. Although, and not that it matters, but when does that, well matter, but Pitt was the last team to beat Clemson at home.

Scale of Watchability: One of those dollar microwave meals. Never mind they’re awful to begin with, it’s like four days worth of salt for some mediocre representation of salisbury steak, which is already bad to begin with.

Paired Drink: Boone’s Farm. Do people still drink it? So awful. I mean, yes, cheap booze has its place, but just no.

kristina: Clemson. I know I sometimes go a little too crazy with the upset picks, but it’s not happening here, this is silly.

Chris: Now of all the championship games this may be the worst. FOR SHAME ACC! It’s like you all just gave up and focused on basketball…like Kentucky fans. Clemson wins and cruises to the playoff and a date with hopefully someone interesting.

Man, someone better have a doctor ready on the sidelines for Urban. He does not look well. Anyway, after last weekend’s game this all feels a bit sad, a bit of a letdown no? Well it could be fun as the school that also claims to have the best journalism school in the country (they don’t and neither do you Syracuse) can really upset the apple cart. Really Ohio State can’t do anything if Oklahoma wins since this won’t help their SOS, which is apparently the only thing separating the two of them.

Scale of Watchability: Cereal. But not good cereal, the dust at the bottom of the bag, Still good, but not really good.

Paired Drink: Close out your night with a glass of Cointreau over ice. It’s orangey you know!

kristina: I can’t pick Ohio State, I just can’t. Northwestern gets the upset and anyone outside of OSU’s (or however they shorten their name to these days) fan-base and Chris are insanely happy.

Chris: Again, I would just love for Northwestern to do it, but it’s not happening. No matter how much I wish it. I think Ohio State gets it done and hopefully gets left out of the playoff.

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And that is that. Championship week all bundled up, and the South Carolina game. Check out our picks below:

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We’ll be back with our SEC bowl predictions and college football prognostications in a few weeks, but for now enjoy this last weekend of decent football and get ready for Bowl Season which is a lot like your kid’s soccer game, only the parents are interested and no one really shows up.