The Lazy Fan’s Guide to SEC Bowl Season

Welcome readers, after a few weeks of, it’s here, BOWL SEASON! Now the cynic in you will say these games are merely exhibitions and mean very little and are not worth your time. On the other hand the lovers of the bowls will say it’s extra practice time for next year’s sparkling new players, one more game for the seniors and one more game for the fans. To thy cynics, cram it, we’re enjoying this! And to the Tennessee, Arkansas, and Ole Miss fans, well you’ve always got youtube so you can relive past bowl games. For the Arkansas faithful, might I suggest the 2008 Cotton Bowl, that was a good one. MISS YOU ZOUDAVE!!!! Fun fact, ZouDave is the reason I, Chris B, found RMN, so, this is all his fault.

But before we jump into Bowl Madness, let’s see how we ended the regular season.

To the records!

A tie in the final week, which seems to happen more often then not. Clearly, we sort of know what we’re talking about. (Editor’s note: Key phrase is “sort of”) Perhaps next year we’ll pick against the spread, but if that’s the case someone is going to have to explain the whole thing to me. I mean I fundamentally get it, but it sounds like a lot of work. Also, half points…how can anyone be favored by something and a half, scores don’t count in half, this isn’t cornhole. If we do go down this road, we’re rounding up or down people.

But enough about next year, or even a couple of weeks ago, we’re living in the present, and in the present we’ve got the SEC related Bowl games AND the first two games of the College Football playoff which SHOULD feature Georgia and Alabama but NO, we’ve got to watch both Oklahoma and Notre Dame getting run over by Bama and Clemson respectively. Notre Dame…man…just, whatever. As we have all year we’re picking games and rating them against condiments, which may or may not include spices because if we’re talking about building and blowing up flavor, than spices get a place at the table. (Editor’s note: Penzy’s is a really fun place if you’re into the spice thing.)

To the games!

It’s the first Bowl game of the season and it’s the Texas Bowl. Man, the Texas Bowl, this game, the memories, the whole deal. I don’t care for it to be honest with you. Also, having a outdoor sponsor for a game played indoors is frankly stupid. If we’re going down this road of a “Texas” bowl I think we should move all the bowls to all 50 states plus DC (deal with it, we’ve got more people than Wyoming), give more cold states bowl games. Do we need 19 texas and florida bowls? NOPE!

Scale of Watchability: Ranch Dressing as a dipping sauce. This is not a good trend, ranch is bad. This game is bad.

Paired Drink: First SEC bowl game of the season, it’s in the evening, I say grab a watered down Coors light. You’ve got work in the morning you know.

kristina: Well duh, that’s why Wyoming sounds fun, fewer people! I mean, a really good buttermilk ranch isn’t awful, but yeah................basically. Vanderbilt. These games are the worst for me ‘cause I don’t watch anything outside of the SEC. Yes, we’re going to start with the excuses early, deal with it.

Chris: I’m taking Vandy, because I’m sure those nerds will have figured out something to do to beat Baylor. Also, I don’t care for Baylor for the following reasons: Mack Rhodes, Matt Rhule, the Shiplap people, Waco, that fan who I tried to talk trash to who didn’t realize they had a basketball team, their uniforms, all of it. Go fancy pirates!

At least all the spectators can have all the Nashville hot chicken they want, I mean, apparently it’s some good stuff, and yes, we haven’t tried it yet [Editor’s Note: Chris has tried it in Nashville, it’s fine], mock me as you wish. Bummer for Purdue, one of their tackles tore his ACL in the final regular season game, womp womp. (But that does suck.) I get sometimes announcers and writers make some odd choices in wording, but one article mentioned Purdue’s coach finds that “winning never gets old.” ‘Cause yeah, I can see a pre-game speech where one would go “you know, let’s try losing and see how that goes.” Okay then.

Scale of Watchability: Plain old standard yellow mustard. It’s just boring, normally you have to add other toppings and condiments, it just can’t stand alone, and just take a look at the mustard section of the store, so many other, tastier, bolder options. Don’t go boring, it’s not a good look. And why are people putting just (read that as no other toppings) on a burger? What are you doing?!

Paired Drink: Budweiser. Seems like a decent paring for a burger, since we’re talking burgers, and it, as well, is a little on the boring side. Yes, I said it. Pumpkin spice still stinks, but at least it’s trying to liven things up. Also, never go the “use a frozen burger” route. In a pinch for sure, but seriously.

kristina: Really not a fan of picking either, I mean we beat Purdue, Auburn hasn’t looked that great, but for disparity’s sake, since I clearly will never learn my lesson, I’ll take Auburn. One of our girls is adamant about using a mustard/ketchup combo, kind of shocked that’s not already a pre-made thing, then again, maybe it is, given we have the ketchup-mayo combo available to buy now. I guess I don’t see many other options, but calling it Mayochup? Dumb.

Chris: Remember when we beat Purdue and then Purdue beat Ohio State (ensuring they didn’t make the playoff) but then Purdue lost a bunch of games they should have won? Yeah, that all happened this season. I applied to Purdue when picking schools and got in in about a week (this was when you found out by letter) and let me tell you that raised a red flag. No one should say “yes” that fast to High School Chris, that dude was a mess. All that said, Auburn is day to day and Gus may get fired at any point during the game so I’m going Boilermakers. I still dislike you Matt Painter!

Man, did Michigan crap the bed to end the season! Guess getting owned by a seemingly bad Ohio State team didn’t get covered in Italy when they went on their vacation. Just the week before I saw that team almost get beat by Maryland (not in person, Maryland fans don’t even attend home games so why would I?!), so seeing them stomp big Blue was kind of odd. And how in the name of Jabar Gaffney is this Florida the 10^th best team in the country? I’ve seen too much to know they’re wildly overrated.

Scale of Watchability: I bet you think this game looks good, two top 10 teams, name brand programs…well I’m not seeing it. This game is the Miracle Whip of games. Gross, boring and so, so disappointing.

Paired Drink: Saturday, mid morning? Well let’s do something fun. Grab some Gatorade Chews, and dip those things in Vodka the night before and make something I’m calling Gator Bites. Electrolytes, booze and chewy gummy consistency, what could go wrong?

kristina: The chick-fil-a sauce is pretty good, not going to lie. I know you can make it at home, so we can call it something else, that’s fine. Corporate sponsorship, meh. Though I’d have to say most fast food is overrated, come at me. Easy, quick, yeah........... taste buds go crazy, not happening. I have no clue why, I just can’t pick Michigan, so once again we’ll go with a poor life decision and pick the Gators.

Chris: Unpopular opinion, Chick Fil A is overrated and I don’t care for it. It’s the Florida of fast food. I also don’t care for their corporate stance on things, but I won’t get into that. For me, I’m taking crazy ass Jim Harbaugh and Michigan because I’ve not bought into the Florida hype train and feel that at 10, they just don’t fit. They’re going to be the new Tennessee, highly ranked preseason disappointing all season, like your cousin Al. Also, Reece Davis, enough with the whole MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHIGAN thing, we get it, it’s dumb.

So we’re still not talking about the Mizzou-South Carolina game. Well, the previews for this one may have brought it up, thanks guys. Does it matter, we’re bowling anyway, but just................well, moving on. At least the Belk Bowl is a nice, short bowl name. Some of the other ones are just getting silly. Knock it off. On the South Caroling side of things, Deebo’s sitting this one out to prepare for the draft, and their cornerback Nixon is out with a fracture in his neck which sounds miserable.

Scale of Watchability: Oh this should be a fun one given RMN’s love to debate food based anything. Maul’s regular BBQ sauce. There are legit barbecue sauces, we all know, so why you’d pick a run of the mill, over-hyped deal is pure nonsense. Hell, the local grocery store’s offering is better. We’re going with the regular as we’ve not tried any of their others to be on the fair side. See, lazy, but fair!

Paired Drink: Saturday morning? It’s mimosa time! Fresh squeezed orange juice is best, but you can go with the nobody has time for that and just buy it straight up. Sure, you’ll have more bubbly come Monday, but it’s a perfectly fine way to start your weekend.

kristina: Do I have to pick this one? I don’t like either. Basically I’m still mad about our SC loss and having to still read about it, and Virginia looks meh. South Carolina, but this will be my weekly “an upset wouldn’t bug me” though I don’t think either way I’m really going to care.

Chris: Fun fact about UVA, it’s essentially Hogwarts from the Harry Potter world. Yeah, that’s right I enjoy the magical world of HP, though wonder why no one in these stories has the internet. You’re telling me they can fly on brooms and turn people into animals but they don’t have Wizard Google? Get the hell out of here. Anyway, they aren’t freshmen or sophomores, they’re “first year”, “second year” etc. What does this have to do with this game? Nothing, but it’s some fun facts for you the reader. Anyway, I’m sticking with South Carolina in this game. I know Will Muschamp has killed any fun surrounding this business trip and there will be a rigid line where his mouth is in place of his smile but it’s got to match his pleated khakis. I bet Muschamp irons his clothes out for the entire week ahead of time, and probably really can’t stand Harry Potter, hence his need to destroy UVA.

Welcome to the non SEC portion of your Lazy Fan’s Guide selection show. Realistically, we couldn’t avoid picking these games, just kind of hoping that Georgia was there to lighten the load. But alas Notre Dame gets in because they didn’t lose a game all year and they did beat some teams that you have invariably heard of, so here we are. We get to bear witness to their destruction at the hands of the Tigers. I’m not saying you have to make Notre Dame join a conference (I’m strongly wanting that) but they should be graded on a scale and that scale should have them playing BYU in all their Bowl games from here until eternity.

Scale of Watchability: This is going to be fun, so while not the greatest game I’m seeing we’re going with Sriracha. This stuff is delicious and should be your first pull in the hot sauce/spread world. Put it in and on everything. I love to take Siracha and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up slick?

Paired Drink: Saturday afternoon calls for caution…at times, and at other times, for throwing it to the door. So let’s do just that. Get some vodka, some crystal light packages, some soda, mix that up and get steaming Southern Maryland drunk. The hangover will be worth it.

kristina: I have no issues with sriracha, but I do have a problem with one of the local sushi joints using that plus mayo for their spicy mayo. It’s just not the same thing as a legit version. Clemson. I like this game, it’s the “who gets to lose to Alabama” game!

Chris: This is going to be sweet because Dabo and Clemson are going to smack the taste straight out of horrible human being Brian Kelley’s stupid mouth. It’s going to be glorious. Somewhere Kirk Farmer is having nightmares about that day in Death Valley. Also, the movie, Rudy, yeah, that sucks.

You have to think Oklahoma’s a little nervous coming into this one, it’s the “Flying Death Machine” and they already have a chip on their shoulder with Tua being the Heisman runner up next to OU’s Murray. Though, in the next chapter of “stop doing stupid stuff” three Alabama players were suspended due to a violation of team policies. Hey, maybe Tua can’t finish the game if he’s still hurt and Hurts comes in again to win the game, I’m sure Georgia fans are still fuming over that one. Think it can happen for a third time next year? That’d be hilarious.

Scale of Watchability: This one was tricky, on one hand, it’s Alabama, on the other, if it’s not close, it may not be all that much fun to watch. It’s not like we’ve been watching ‘Bama just stomp everyone all season, it’s nothing new. But yet again, how much fun is it going to be if they trounce our good old friends from OU? (Remember when we beat them way back then, wasn’t that fun?!!) Let’s say Blue Cheese sauce. It can be amazing, but there are very lacking versions of it as well. But a really good blue cheese sauce is wonderful.

Paired Drink: Since, for now, they’re still undefeated and mostly, and we just say mostly since there was a little concern vs. Georgia, we’re going with an Alabama Slammer. Though I’m fairly sure outside of the orange slice, I have none of those ingredients at hand. There’s a question, what are your “must have on hand” booze options? If you have any.

kristina: Again, until they lose, I can’t pick against Alabama. Yeah, they’re down a few players, Tua might not be 100%, but still. I would want no part of a ticked-off Alabama team. Have fun with that.

Chris: Did you watch the Big 12 title game? Did you see what I saw? Do you see any way in which Oklahoma’s “defense” is going to be able to contain the buzz saw that is Alabama? Yeah, I don’t either. I hope Bama lays 60 on them. Hopefully Tua heads somewhere else following the season and can continue to show out for a chance at the NFL. The takes from the talking heads that came after his game winning performance against Georgia were nausea inducing.

Welcome to New Year’s Eve Tiger fans! What a great afternoon for everyone. By now you should either be off work, headed out of work, or faking some illness from leftovers, like Homer did with that sandwich. I applaud Oklahoma State’s constant desire to play us, unlike those people to the west. Yeah, I’m talking about you Kim English and Colorado! What, who did you think I was talking about? Remember when we last played OSU in a bowl game? I got quite hammered with the Jimmies, it was great. Then I had a very slow next day…WORTH IT!

Scale of Watchability: Maille brand mustard. It’s the greatest mustard, period and thus the greatest condiment.

Paired Drink: Veuve Cliquot. It’s Almost New Years F*CKING EVE PEOPLE and that means you bust out the champagne and get wild.

kristina: Prosecco, got it. Like this is even a question, Mizzou all day long. Please win, what a downer going into a New Year’s Eve night. Lock’s decision to play pays off and we put up like five TD’s on them, yeah, I’d take that. We can dream, right? It could happen. (Uh, no clue how good Okie Light’s defense is.)

Chris: Mizzou, I mean come on. Mike Gundy and his stupid mullet and his incomprehensible press conferences can take a walk. Drew’s going to ball out and then we usher in the Kelly Bryant era. I’m already excited for next year! Get wild on Beale street Tiger fans and try not to get too arrested.

So both NC State and the Aggies have been to the Gator Bowl, but this will be the first meeting between the two teams. And, once again, the whole debate on NFL prospects playing in their final game comes up, as the Aggies are all about suiting up for this one, while two of NC State’s players are sitting it out. Another fun fact, if they lose, this would be four in a row of bowl losses for A&M. This is one of the better uniform takes though, SEC satire returns!

Scale of Watchability: Should be a decent game, nothing too crazy though, it’s time for Coney Island Mustard. If you haven’t tried it, you really should, it’s tasty. Honestly, and I haven’t tried all the company’s condiment offerings, but so far, I have yet to be disappointed. Just, outside of buying online, which is fine, can be hard to find if you’re in need of it in a hurry.

Paired Drink: Did Mizzou win? Did we lose? If you’ve run out of your most likely not actually champagne bubbly, what’s one to do? (Well, besides the option of running to the gas station that’s still open and buying Andre, but that’s just a horrible idea no matter who you are.) Time for some silver Chardonnay. It’s tasty and the bottle’s pretty neat. (Note kids, never though choose wine based on the bottle, this is an exception, but usually the wine is crap.)

kristina: Actually a friend once bought us a dry riesling where the bottle was in the shape of a cat. Wine was actually pretty good and we still have the bottle. Anyway, not like anyone cares about that so moving on, I’ll take the Aggies. Andre is so awful. I’ll just skip the midnight toast if that’s my only option.

Chris: You know NC State allows pass outs at halftime. Go grab a drink and choose whether you really need to go back in but hey, you’ve got the option. Anyway, I haven’t watched an NC State since Chuck Amato and his Oakleys were roaming the sideline. So, with that in mind and having no idea who plays there (is Julius Hodge still on the basketball team?) I’m taking the Aggies.

MERRY NEW YEAR! (that’s your second Trading Places reference in this “article”, spot the other and win a prize). What a way to start your Tuesday, Iowa and State…yeah…Iowa and State. Now don’t get wrong this is a fun bowl game with a fun mascot, the bloomin’ onion. Once, when visiting NYC to see my father he told me he would take me and Mrs. B to the best Steakhouse with the greatest Martinis…it was the Outback. Not exactly what I was expecting, but the steak was fine and the drinks were good, the company outstanding. But like this bowl game it is just kind of eh…

Scale of Watchability: Ketchup. An old stand by that only belongs with fries, burgers and the occasional hot dog. That’s right, a HOT DOG. Deal with it hot dog enthusiasts and truthers.

Paired Drink: You’re hungover, let’s be real. So you’re going to grab a Maryland style Bloody Mary. It’s your typical Bloody, but this has got a crap ton of old bay on it and in it to wake you up before you go go. Hopefully a crab claw is sitting on that thing and you’re starting to feel just a little better.

kristina: If you ever can, and you have the time, make a bloody mary mix with fresh tomatoes (like from your garden) it’s a game changer, and I’m not even a bloody mary fan all that much. Stupid celery. I’ll go with the cowbells.

Chris: State. It’s Nick Fitzgerald time! That guy is going to let the dragon eat! Also, the Big 10 is Big Crap! I don’t believe in you Iowa, I don’t believe in your corn or your state. The Insight Bowl will live in infamy!!! Blaine Gabbert must be remembered, he must be avenged!

So it’s last year’s “national champions” versus LSU. Honestly, I really don’t care that much they branded themselves that way, but it has led to some great memes and tweets which is always a good thing. Anyway, UCF looks to take down a SEC team for the second year in a row after beating Auburn in last year’s (technically by this time) Peach Bowl. So, from this post about Mike the Tiger’s Christmas Eve dinner, in “today I learned” news they feed him a pre-bowl steak in the shape of their opponent. Nice.

Scale of Watchability: This should be a good one. A properly prepared spicy mayo. Makes any sushi roll better, and there are very few foods I’ll take over sushi. (Deal with it, good sushi is amazing. Sadly, it’s way better on the coasts, but still.................so good.) One local place has a really good spicy mayo, it’s my version of that “I’ll put that s$&*” on everything hot sauce. (Which, a really good hot sauce was my runner-up. STL’s 314 comes to mind.) Hot but has flavor. Those “just to make your tongue burn for hours” with no flavor, meh. Get over yourselves.

Paired Drink: It’s the Fiesta bowl! A margarita of course, but make it yourself and under no circumstances do you use sweet and sour mix. Key lime juice, an orange liquor, a little sugar, and, of course, tequila. Try Espolon Silver, it’s legit.

kristina: Outside of “they’re undefeated” I really have no idea, and no, we’re lazy, remember, so I’m not going to take the time to look it up, who UCF has played. We’ll do that whole silly conference solidarity thing and go with LSU. This, again, was a game where I initially wanted to pick UCF just to have some more disparity, so obviously, UCF will now win.

Chris: You know what UCF should do right? They should openly petition the Big 12 to join their crap conference so they can play a bunch of teams and then, just like the rest of the Big 12 be all sad and down when they still don’t get into the Playoff, but hey, at least you know, they’ll be in a Power 5 conference. They can even call Cincinnati or Tulane or Tulsa, whoever. Anyway, LSU is going to win because Ed Orgeron is a serious guy who will not be interrupted by the LSU basketball team practicing in their gym where he chose to conduct a press conference. Also, UCF is without their QB, so you know that makes a difference. I hope for an expanded playoff, just one without UCF.

All season long I railed against the validity of the whole Kentucky season. The season that essentially ended in October with their victory over Mizzou. Almost as if this was the highlight of their season. Which I suppose as Mizzou fans, we can take solace in. On the other hand they were a giant fraud and will be exposed by an equally fraudulent team in Penn State. Though Penn State’s season is much like Kentucky’s a decent win and then a bunch of victories over a bunch of crap teams. So this game really is a perfect example of what we see every year, teams that get lucky based on their schedule and get propped up by those in the media who are thirsting for a narrative, a return to glory for some (PSU) or the ascension of a lowly program (Kentucky). I hope this game ends 3-2.

Scale of Watchability: Duck Sauce from Take Out. This stuff is insipid and awful. It’s not good on food and it just sits there in your fridge glaring at you, taunting you, demeaning you, reminding you of all the mistakes you’ve made.

Paired Drink: It’s still early, and you’re still a little off, a little cocktail fluish, so the best thing for this is Moscow Mule is going to do your body good, and you’ll be back on the good foot!

kristina: I’ll take Kentucky. This was basically a coin flip for me. I mean, this is going on at the same time as UCF/LSU, is anyone outside of the fanbases even going to be watching this one? Hell, basketball has already started up, are Kentucky fans even going to be watching?

Chris: The only way this game could be worse would be if Notre Dame was playing against both these teams at the same time. The disappointment on display would be epic. Hell, while we’re at it, we could have Tennessee and Nebraska play each other in the matinee of teams from the 80s and 90s that are now no longer relevant but get propped up because of their name in the polls. But I digress...I’ll take Penn State and we can all forget about how not great either of these teams are. Kentucky, you had your moment, I think it’s over and I for one am ready for its ending.

Poor Georgia. Not only did you get pushed out of the playoff, you had high hopes of beating Alabama and then yet another backup quarterback shows up and ruins all your fun. This is made better when you have a Bulldogs fan as a friend and you get to watch live as it all came down. Hilarious. We’re not going to talk about Texas. For the uniform lovers, here’s Georgia’s unveiling. At publish time, the Bulldogs were still double-digit favorites on the betting line. Good. Time for Texas to lose a bowl game. (Too soon?)

Scale of Watchability: Buffalo sauce. Tasty, goes well with way more things than chicken wings, and who doesn’t want to watch an SEC team take down Texas, and by a lot. I’m partial, and this may be an unpopular opinion, to Syberg’s most days, but there are very few I don’t like.

Paired Drink: Some lighter beer that, if need be and your specified buffalo dish gets too hot, you can drink easily and often. Then again, it’s not like that usually helps, but it’s New Year’s Day, do you really want to be seen eating chicken wings with a tall glass of milk? I didn’t think so. (Just not Select 55 ‘cause that’s just beer flavored water, spend your money elsewhere.)

kristina: Easily Bulldogs. Mostly as I don’t want to pick Texas. Meh. Something “their worst bowl losses are still better than our best bowl wins” or something like that. Destroy them, Georgia!

Chris: I’m a fan of the Sugar Bowl. I’d love for Mizzou to be in it. And I feel bad for Georgia fans, knowing they were not included in the Playoff all because the playoff committee are a bunch of scared little squirrels. We can’t possibly have two teams from the SEC no matter how good or deserving they are. We need a Big 10 or 12 team, again no matter how crap they are. All I’m saying is that I look forward to Georgia just doing what they do to Texas and Tom Herman, that ass. Go Dawgs.

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And that’s it for us folks, the bowl games all wrapped up for you. We hope these picks make you the belle of your new year’s parties, office get togethers and random shouting at strangers. For those that aren’t going to read all those words, here are our picks laid out neatly:

Kristina has gone full SEC, picking the conference to go 11-0!

Finally, because we’re good friends to all of you, we’re picking our college football winner overall. For me, ChrisB is all about Clemson and Kristina is taking Alabama (‘cause I know what I’m doing!)

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That’s it, a wrap on the season, it’s been fun and we look forward to coming back at you on the LFG for the SEC next summer…ah summer…it’s going to warm and delicious. But maybe you’ll be hearing from us sooner, much much sooner, maybe around SEC basketball season. Until then, happy early new year, go out there and make some fun decisions, bad decisions, weird decisions, and hug your loved ones and all those randoms.