Better Know An Opponent: Florida State

This is the first in a (hopefully) six-part series highlighting some things you may not know about Mizzou's opponents in the NCAA Tournament. Please keep in mind that while everything below is true, it's meant in jest.

Better Know An Opponent, Vol. 1: 2009 NCAA Tournament Opponents
Part One - Cornell
Part Two - Marquette
Part Three - Memphis
Part Four - Connecticut
Better Know An Opponent, Vol. 2: 2010 NCAA Tournament Opponents
Part One - Clemson
Part Two - West Virginia
Better Know An Opponent, Vol. 3: 2011 NCAA Tournament Opponents
Part One - Cincinnati
Better Know An Opponent, Vol. 4: 2012 NCAA Tournament Opponents
Part One - Norfolk State
Better Know An Opponent, Vol. 5: 2013 NCAA Tournament Opponents
Part One – Colorado State

Today’s profile: the Florida State Seminoles

1: So, look. It’s been a while since we’ve run this series back, because of Missouri’s continued decisions to decline invitations to the NCAA Tournament. That’s right, Missouri hasn’t played in the tournament because they don’t want to anyway, your tournament is dumb.

How long has it been since Mizzou has gone dancing? Here are some fun facts in a segment we will call "Fun Facts":

FACT: The last time Missouri was in the NCAA Tournament, the No. 1 song in America was "The Harlem Shake". It was a dark time.
FACT: The last time Missouri was in the NCAA Tournament, it was the International Year of Quinoa, better known as the International Year of Worse Rice.
FACT: The last time Missouri was in the NCAA Tournament, Prince George of Cambridge — the heir to the throne — was not yet born. Now, he’s staging a military coup, unless you believe the fake news media who refuse to report on it.
FACT: The last time Missouri was in the NCAA Tournament, Buzz Williams was the coach at Marquette. Now, he sucks and nobody likes him.

2: Let’s turn our attention to Florida State University, which holds the mark as the oldest continuous site of higher education in the state of Florida. But let’s be honest: how much of an accomplishment is that? It basically means you’ve beaten out Miami, Florida Atlantic, DeVry, Trump University, and Uncle Vince’s School for Auto Repair, Scrapin’ Shells Off of Boats and Setting Up Definitely Not Pyramid Schemes — Orlando Campus.

3: Florida State’s archnemesis is the University of Florida, known as the Sunshine Showdown, which is adorable. It’s the oldest public school rivalry in the state, but there’s a very bizarre preamble to this rivalry, and it’ll take a bit of time to tell it.

So, I mentioned that FSU is the oldest continuous site of higher education in Florida, dating all the way back to 1851. There were a bunch of different educational institutions established in Tallahassee at that time, but the short version of it is that it all eventually coagulated in an institution known as West Florida Seminary (and, briefly during the Civil War, the Florida Military and Collegiate Institute).

In 1883, the West Florida Seminary was re-organized and became known as The Literary College of the University of Florida. Remember that. Make a note of that in your Palm Pilot for now.

The school changed names a bunch in the next 100 years — specifically, in 1905, when reorganization moved the male student body to Gainesville, essentially launching the University of Florida, while the Tallahassee institution became known as the Florida Female College. It wasn’t until 1947 that Florida Female College was made co-ed again and became Florida State University.

OK. So that’s a long, confusing history, right? Here’s the thing, though: remember back in 1883, when it became The Literary College of the University of Florida? Technically, that has never been repealed — meaning that Florida State University has all rights to be known as the University of Florida if it wanted to. Think about that: that would be as if Mizzou was legally allowed to be called the University of Illinois if it wanted.

And all of that is to present you with maybe the greatest bit of shade ever presented on a University website.


Florida State University: We Could Call Ourselves What You Call Yourselves, But We Wouldn’t Want To Be Pretentious

4: Speaking of University websites, it’s time for a BKAO staple: Unfair Captions of Photos from the School’s Website!





5: It’s time to have an uncomfortable conversation about the Florida State mascot. I know, I know, the subject and the controversy have been talked to death. Some people believe it’s offensive. Others believe it’s an important sign of tradition and respect. I’d like to wade into the waters and share my personal opinion on the matter.


Seriously, that horse is weird. I don’t care who you are, I am personally offended by that spotted horse. Hey, Renegade: "101 Dalmatians" came out more than 50 years ago — give it up.

6: Here, presented without comment, is a video of Florida State basketball coach Leonard Hamilton being taught how to whip and nae nae.

I’ve watched this video about 100 times, and while I’m not sure what my favorite part is, I know what my favorite single frame is.


7: You’ve waited five long years for this. I won’t make you wait any longer. Ladies and gentlemen…

…it’s Embarrassing Alumni Time.


-Noted seafood enthusiast Jameis Winston.

-Trash country artist Jake Owen. Hey Jake, here’s a new idea for a song: meeting a girl in a hayfield on your tractor while drinking beer down by the creek. I literally just thought of that off the top of my head, you hack.

-Richard goddang Simmons.

-Sara Blakely, the inventor of Spanx. No joke I could make would end well. Let’s move on.

-Burt Reynolds.

-This jerk.

8: Let’s talk about #FSUTwitter, which is known far and wide as one of the most, um, active and, um, passionate fan bases on earth. There is maybe no better embodiment of what sports fans have become, for better or worse, than Florida State fans. They are iconic.

As a result, and in the interest of fairness, I reached out to a member of #FSUTwitter to offer equal time and get their thoughts on the upcoming matchup with Mizzou. Without further ado, let me introduce Brody.


Take it away, Brody!

What’s up you fartknockers? I’m Brody, and I am the number one Noles fan in the world. Who said I wasn’t? Was it Devin? Did Devin say he was a bigger Noles fan than me? Devin doesn’t know what he’s talking about, don’t listen to Devin, I’m definitely a bigger Noles fan.

Now listen: I’ve been doing some searching on Missouri on Bing. Yeah, I’m a Bing guy, what about it? Anyway, I’ve been doing some searching, and I’m not sure if you know this, but you guys don’t even have a beach! Haha, like, not a SINGLE ocean nearby! What kind of trash state are you when you don’t even have an ocean?

And let’s talk about chicks, man, because that is the real measure of an institution of higher learning: THE CHICKS. Our chicks are BANGIN’. Your chicks? HAHA SO NOT BANGIN’.

Anyway, I’ve got to go — I’m working on my Master’s degree in Gettin’ Turnt at Uncle Vince’s School for Auto Repair, Scrapin’ Shells Off of Boats and Setting Up Definitely Not Pyramid Schemes — Orlando Campus. But we call it UVSARSSOBSUDNPS-Orlando. But you wouldn’t know that, would you, no-ocean?

Later buttmunches. GO NOLES. [six consecutive minutes of the War Chant]

Tune in (hopefully) Saturday morning for another edition of Better Know An Opponent!

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