The Lazy Fans Guide to Week 3 of the SEC Season

What a week 1 (uh…week 2) for the SEC! I mean we saw some ridiculous sh*t did we not? Rioting in Lexington in the month of September, people dancing around mannequins half naked, this weekend had a whole truckload of weird from the jump. Questions persist about who is good, who is not good and what conclusions we can take from week 2, since week 1 told us squat.

One thing that seems to be consistent is that some SEC teams just get ranked because of their name and not you know because of objective evidence which usually matters. And it’s time for some objective evidence to be on display in this post! But before we can get to that, let’s see how we did last week.

To the records!

Overall not too shabby, but at this early point of the season we should be doing better. Also, to simplify this whole thing we’re just going to encapsulate the full game as our pick and not each pick being correct or incorrect. Sure our records will look less impressive, but you get the idea and you get the winners and losers and that’s all you really care about.

Let’s move on, and get to the games. Last week we rated the games by how you’d cook that meat, which was tasty. This week we’ll rate the games by sides you’d get at a BBQ. As always, these feelings should be judged and mocked mercilessly.

To the games!

Um, so, is Kentucky good now? I’m saying NOPE. But boy did they all go bananas last weekend after waltzing into Ben Hill Griffin stadium and leaving with a win over a clearly overrated Florida. It matters not though! Kentucky is your top team in the SEC East in a tie with Georgia, and for this week let’s just consider them the big dog, cat, big dog cat because it’s not going to last once they start playing the competent teams in the East which is looking like there are maybe two or three only.

Scale of Watchability: Cole Slaw. Slaw sucks, I’m sorry. It’s just a big mayonnaise vehicle and that my friends I can’t abide. And I bet there are people that use Miracle Whip instead of Mayo itself and that just makes it even worse. If you want cabbage, just eat some cabbage.

Paired Drink: I’m not advocating getting blackout drunk at this hour of the morning, but this isn’t a basketball game so this will stink. And to enjoy a game that stinks you need to be lubed up, so get some Bacardi Limon, get some Sprite, and get into it.

kristina: Kentucky. Slaw is one of those things that can be good, but it usually never is. Put some effort into it, people!

Chris: For some reason I have a big problem with Kentucky being competent at football. I don’t care for any of the Stoops people, and these people don’t care about football, just look at their ridiculous stadium! It’s a shambles. Anyway, Kentucky will continue their winning ways, for now, as Murray State is winless against far inferior competition, so endure this Kentucky good at football thing for another week we shall…

So apparently only a few people actually planned ahead to watch this one, so Tennessee is going to give tickets to the Carolina evacuees for free. Guess there are worse ways to spend a weekend away from home? (True, they could watch the kansas game.) Chick-fil-A is also donating biscuits, as I know we have some hot takes on that food staple around these parts. The Miners are also horrible at football, they didn’t win a game at all last year, and the Vols are favored by thirty. This isn’t going to be pretty. The only highlight of looking into this game is reading some Blake Toppmeyer.

Scale of Watchability: Pudding Corn. It sounds awful, it probably is awful, and is on par with instant grits. As we have never had non-instant grits, we will take the opinion of our resident Southern RMN’er on his take. Any way, sadly it does have its own wiki page, not like either of us can say that. (Hoppy glop? Does that even remotely sound edible?!?!?)

Paired Drink: Bloody Mary, and a spicy one at that. It’s early, you probably overdid things the night before, and it’ll get that funky pudding corn taste out of your mouth. Add a few stuffed olives and get crazy.

kristina: Oh joy, ‘cause that’s what the world needs more of, over confident Vols fans. Tennessee wins, they get Florida next week, so hopefully the Gators figure things out before then.

Chris: Mike Price is back to being the head coach at UTEP so I assume all the strippers in El Paso are making out ok with this new influx of cash. I mean, how is this man coaching there? Was NO ONE else available? UTEP is currently winless, so this looks like an easy choice to pick the Vols who get win number two against clearly inferior competition, and Tennessee fans can start to get that unearned swagger back.

Welp, we finally made it to where the weather had to mess with things. This game is now kicking off at eleven a.m. central, in hopes of better conditions than later in the evening. Aw, see MTSU, you can get the loss over with and have your whole Saturday afternoon off. Honestly, with a 32.5 spread, the time switch seems the most talked about tidbit ahead of the game. MTSU’s game plan for the upset is “to play perfect.” That’s one way to look at it, I guess. They seem better at upsetting people in basketball. (So we’re now second to win the East? Hey, it’s something! Never mind Georgia’s at 88% and we’re at 7%)

Scale of Watchability: Some random store bought dessert, probably cookies. No one goes to a bbq for the dessert, they’ll get overlooked and go stale. Who, outside of their fans, wants to watch Georgia cream MTSU, especially now that it’s early in the day?

Paired Drink: Well, now that it’s in the morning, let’s go with a mimosa. Bubbly of your choice, but fresh squeezed orange juice. Less of the latter, more of the former.

kristina: Georgia. The only reason to watch this is if it was really raining hard, ‘cause those are just entertainment. But quick look it doesn’t look like it will be.

Chris: Georgia had a close one with for about a half SC and apparently haven’t realized that the ball must cross the plain of the end zone, to you know, count. Silly Dawgs. Did you ever see Hershel Walker every drop a ball early? DID YOU?! Tom Crean can’t believe what you’re doing here. All said, this Middle Tennessee State team isn’t quite the group they’ve been the past few years. Georgia Big!

I’m going to let this be known from the jump…I don’t care for Notre Dame. The adulation and anointing them “America’s College Team” has always rubbed me the wrong way. They’re constantly overrated and every time they lose to Navy I get just a little excited. And so far this season they’re ranked in the top 10 and look positively ordinary. I’m not saying Vandy’s gonna get this done, but one can hope…

Scale of Watchability: Baked beans, straight out the can. Baked beans stink. Clearly I’m not going camping anytime soon with anyone. On top of all that, their flavor is odd and they are just plain unattractive. PASS.

Paired Drink: Well it’s afternoon, and if you’re going to be watching this, you’ll be angry drinking it and there’s nothing better for angry drinking is plastic bottle Tequila (think Monte Zuma), because top shelf stuff is for fun times. You can turn this into a margarita if you want, but then you’ll be all sugared up and drangry (drunk-angry.)

kristina: Nothing good can come from drinking cheap tequila, especially when you’re angry. And “C’Borius Flemister” is just fun to say. I’ll take Notre Dame since it’s a home game for them.

Chris: Vandy’s taken care of business so far this season and has looked quite competent doing so, and an upset here wouldn’t blow my hair back, but it also seems not extremely likely what with this game taking place in Indiana. So I’m taking Notre Dame in a close one and I also don’t think Rudy was a good movie. Has anyone seen Manti Te’o’s girlfriend, or is she still on a modeling shoot in Canada?

Obviously, I get why this rivalry is called the Tiger Bowl, but hardly creative of a name. I mean, especially with earthquakes and burning buildings, we could have come up with something a little different. And yes, here at the LFG, we love rivalry names. Rivalries without nicknames are just sad pandas. Auburn’s on a thirteen game at home winning streak, also doesn’t help LSU the home team has won the past five years.

Scale of Watchability: Probably your best bet outside of our own tigers, so let’s go with potato salad. I’m not talking the crud you just go buy at the store ‘cause you’re too lazy to actually make something, ‘cause, yes, those usually aren’t very good. But it’s a staple at a BBQ, so roll up the sleeves, add bacon, and you’re good to go. And it’s clearly superior to pasta salad. Stop with that stuff.

Paired Drink: Beer! Drink half, use the rest in some barbecue sauce...........and then drink another one! Speaking of, yet another thing that can be amazing and/or awful. Let’s have your hot takes on brands of barbecue sauce in the comments. DIY? (And we didn’t realize you can also have a strong opinion as to what to drink in the shower.)

kristina: It’s no fun if we agree on all our picks, damnit. Auburn. (Just don’t pull a stunt like last year’s and blow a 20-0 lead.) Nothing wrong with fruit salad. Kind of wish this was on a little earlier as that’d give me a better chance to watch it undisturbed.

Chris: On paper this looks like the game of the day, but that’s only on paper (the best game will be Boise and OSU, watch that!) I’m still not sold on LSU, I just don’t see it working here. Both teams have big top 25 (at the time) wins on their resume, but really, I’m just not buying into the purple Tigers. So many Tigers! My money’s on Auburn, It’s the afternoon, it’s CBS, it’s Frank Thomas and Charles Barkley serving fruit salad out of an Auburn helmet. Take the Tigers of the plains!

Florida hadn’t lost to Kentucky in an obscene amount of time. Many of you readers were not yet born the time before last Saturday that it happened. And that is baffling, not that the streak was that long, no, the fact that Florida still with what they have couldn’t get by the Cats. Now, they have a visit from SEC killer Colorado State, who apparently everyone is playing. The Rams are the Northwestern State of this football season, and the Gators should be nervous after what the Rams did to Arkansas last week.

Scale of Watchability: Pigs in a Blanket. They’re not particularly good or appealing and they look a bit of a mess, but I just can’t help myself if they’re out. I’ll eat a couple, wonder what the hell I’m doing and then have one more until the real food comes out, kind of like this game.

Paired Drink: Serve yourself an Americano. It’s Campari and Vermouth and Soda Water. So it’ll be bitter, sweet, a nice mélange for your mouth. You’ll feel strangely alive in a way a drink hasn’t made you feel in some time.

kristina: My weekly “I’ll gladly give up a win if the upset occurs” game. Good for Colorado State last week. That’d be funny, you lose to the Rams and you have to pay them two million. Whoops.

Chris: I’m very VERY tempted to take Colorado State but this is still the team that looked quite ordinary in its other two games and it’s on the road. So against my better judgment, I’m taking the Gators, but fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…well you know the rest, unless you’re a former president of this country. Gators, but I don’t love it!

So Arkansas was up 27-9 late into the third quarter last week, and then, well, they let CSU put up all the points after that. So much for the return of the shiny helmets. For the uniform crazed fans, they’re going with their classic ones for this game. The Mean Green team (fair enough, we like this) from North Texas hasn’t beaten Arky yet, but hey, first time for everything. The spread for this one is just one touchdown.

Scale of Watchability: Your basic gardan salad. Yeah, it’s healthy (well, until you choose poorly and douse it with some overrated ranch dressing, and then again, why bother, ‘cause the dressings won’t last outside that long to begin with.) Save the healthy for the weekdays. Got to live a little, kids.

Paired drink: Bourbon, just because it’s three in the afternoon, and you can. BBQ and bourbon go well with each other. Just save the good stuff for drinking, the cheap stuff can go in the sauce.

kristina: Oh, Arky, what were you thinking last week? Wouldn’t be a week without some team having QB drama. (Then again, guess there better be drama after you lose to Colorado State.) I’m in the same boat as my counterpart was with picking Florida - you lose this week, I’m done with you, Arky.

Chris: Will Tony Mitchell be playing? Is former Mizzou Athletic Director Wren Baker going to be in attendance? Did you remember that Wren Baker was involved with Mizzou for about 7 minutes after Mack Rhodes went back to Waco so he could see Fixer Upper filmed live? GIVE ME ALL THE SHIPLAP!!!! Well all this is true, also true, UNT beat Incarnate World last week which is a college and not a person. I’m going to go with the Razor Backs, but like Florida, I’m not feeling it.

On the surface, this game looks quite appetizing. Ole Miss is 2-0, Bama is 2-0, but if you delve deeper into how the teams got there, you would see that Ole Miss literally has no defense. They spent all offseason work shopping that Shark monstrosity of a mascot and forgot to you know tackle. Last week they were SECFEVERING all over the place against So. Illinois. Meanwhile Alabama is nightmare fuel for all opponents.

Scale of Watchability: Deviled Eggs covered in Ol’ Bay seasoning. They’re tasty, but can be filling so don’t overdo it. Just like this game, you’re excited cause they look great, but one bad one and you’re down for the count.

Paired Drink: Have a mojito! It’s sugary sweet and it’s got mint so your breath will be nice and fresh. Hopefully someone also sticks a sugar cane stick in your drink so you get the full experience and something to chew on when your night goes sideways, like it will for Ole Miss.

kristina: ‘Bama. Not sure with this Ol’ Bay thing, but other than that, they can be tasty. These don’t look too bad. (I’m on a Creole kick lately.) So Ole Miss fans will be in powder blue, but the team will be in gray, okay then!

Chris: Bama is going to wax Ole Miss so bad the Sharks will head back to the Grove and wonder how it went so wrong so quickly. We’re going to see a ton of Eli Manning faces in the crowd.

Did you enjoy watching State beat up on our former rivals from the Sunflower state? I know I did, it was quite pleasant, though seeing Manhattan on TV is just sad. The place looks desolate at the best of times. Has anyone heard of maybe planting a couple geraniums, even a nice fern or two wouldn’t kill you. But State looks very workmanlike and this weekend should be no different.

Scale of Watchability: Creamed Corn. Whoever came up with this monstrosity should go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect anything and go get locked away FOR-EVER.

Paired Drink: Long Island Icead Tea. Just lean right into that burn and let us know where you wake up the next day and if you’ve lost all your clothes or not.

kristina: I’d rather, if I had to pick between the two, take creamed corn over that pudding stuff. State. Louisiana hasn’t beaten a SEC team......................ever, at least according to the internet, and it’s never wrong.

Chris: State is going to blow by Louisiana as a practice round of beating up on LSU. They will beat all the Louisianas! You’re next New Orleans Saints!

So the Aggies almost upset Clemson, failing to make a game-tying two point conversion. Womp womp. This one seems an odd one, most say the Aggies no problem, but there are more than few mentions of a trap / coming off the almost-win against Clemson. Plus, they play ‘Bama next week. Monroe’s mascot is a warhawk, though, as we discussed this last week, Ace is a tad cheesy of a moniker. At least the logo is legit. If you didn’t watch, here’s SI’s take on the Aggies game day signs.

Scale of Watchability: Green beans with bacon. Again, the point isn’t trying to find the healthy option, so cook ‘em with bourbon and add the tasty bacon. Or be all fancy like my counterpart, and go with the haricots verts. But either way, bacon.

Paired Drink: Canned wine. Yes it’s a thing, and it’s not half bad. You’d just get into too much trouble with a five-bottle equivalent in a box. It’s like those balloon wine glasses that hold a bottle’s worth. I mean, it’s just one glass!

kristina: Aggies. Obviously not going to be watching this one. I mean, a couple of the signs were good, but not amazing.

Chris: A&M seems to have their “s” together don’t they? They’re looking 2012 scary good, and all without a brash party boy under center, at least that we know of. Meanwhile Kevin Sumlin can’t win a game in Arizona and has looked miserable to the point that Herm Edwards is going to have to give him some lessons on the whole coaching thing. I’m pulling for you Coach! A&M in a walk.

Mizzou’s taking its act on the road and its act looks good! Last year during the Mizzou-Purdue game, I was watching on my phone as I took a Home Purchaser’s course to ensure my interest rate got locked in. It was kind of a scam and I figured I’d have the game on in the background and then it all happened. The beatdown was one for the ages. It felt like one of those late 90s Larry Smith games that were just magnificent in their historical defeats. But not this year friends! Purdue looks crap and Mizzou is going to take advantage…just watch out for Purdue Marcus Murphy, Rondale Moore. He’s frightening…

Scale of Watchability: CORN ON THE COB. The king of all BBQ sides. There is no argument you can throw, don’t even consider @’ing me.

Paired Drink: This game could be a bit nervy so stick with some clear liquor and a clear mixer. Grab a gin and tonic, throw in a fresh lime and keep ‘em coming, cause it’s Mizzou, it’s the road, and the running game looks absent.

kristina: Sweet corn on the cob. I’m the weird one who refuses to use butter. Of course, our tigers. Please don’t screw this up. How much booze do we need to have on hand for this? Key limes are the best limes.

Chris: I’m taking our Tigers because they just seem more disciplined and Purdue can’t not commit 100 penalties a game. But I think this game is going to be closer than many do. The Tigers get revenge, Matt Painter’s house is egged into oblivion and Cuonzo raises a glass to his time there and then never thinks of it again.

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As always for those that just want a small read and not the long form we tend to drop here, below you will find our game picks:

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Thanks for reading and hope the games fill you with joy this weekend, and if you’re anywhere near Florence, stay safe and take care of your loved ones.