The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 4 of the SEC Season

Well, week 3 was quite the spectacle, was it not? We had a couple of great games, some real clunkers and quite a few head scratchers that could impact the way your pickers view the season going forward.

Before we get to all that, we just have to say Coach O, whatever it is your doing in Louisiana, we’re sorry we doubted you. I can’t understand 90% of the words that come out of your mouth, but holy hell, you’ve got it going down there. And Arkansas, you are a disgrace! All the nonsense we heard (and still hear) about Mizzou not being “right” for the conference, well you don’t see us losing to directional colleges at home …lately! Get it together Hogs. Actually don’t, it’s far more amusing to watch you flail. (And again. let’s all remember how hilarious the fake fair catch was. You be you, North Texas!)

Last week we saw trap games all over the place and we were burnt in two spots, we’ll know better going forward.

To the records!

Again, not too bad. We both bricked on LSU and we bought into the whole Arkansas being not a disaster, but I’m betting we get or got wise going forward. But really, who saw LSU going into Auburn and getting it done, and in such a fashion no less. The SEC, it just means more and that more is your whacky drunk uncle who will pass out on the sofa on Thanksgiving after knocking over your mother’s center piece.

Let’s move on, and get to the games. As we’ve made a habit, we’re switching up how we rate the games, last week, the BBQ sides caused some interesting discussion (apparently Greenchile needs to school Chris on sides), we’ve decided to go back to the well a little bit. This week the games will be based on “late night snacks”, which I (Chris) will admit I don’t do, so my games will be ranked on late night drunk food, since that’s the only time I (Chris) do eat late. (Editor’s note: Fairly sure most of these options will be with the understanding one is drunk.)

To the games!

The day starts off with the best game (in our opinion) and the potential for a sad nap is definitely a possibility. Georgia looks extremely strong and have yet to really play their starters in the second half, and at all in the fourth quarter, so they’re also extremely rested. This is the biggest game in Columbia in Barry Odom’s tenure and it would be NICE to see the Tigers come out strong and really put something on the Dawgs. Does the morning start help or hurt either team? Can Mizzou actually maybe play Defense against one of the best QBs in the SEC? All these questions and more as we head into a Saturday that will tell us all about something.

Scale of Watchability: Big Slice. Gaze on its glory.For those of you who are not from DC, never traveled to DC, or watched the Food Channel, Big Slice pizza is what you eat after an evening out in DC, specifically Adams Morgan (my old neighborhood that I miss). And there are two places, to go, and you have to have an opinion on which one is better. The original is better, it’s huge, it’s hot, it’s delicious and it is the perfect ending to a night out. Also, it only tastes good after a few drinks, ok a lot of drinks. Fun fact, my wife tried to start sh*t with a guy in a Duke shirt because in her words, Duke shirts are not allowed in the District.

Paired Drink: Morning time, morning tailgating, survey says…WHITE RUSSIAN! It’s got a bit of a morning feel, you get to vibe like the Dude and it’ll get you in the mood for the day to come.

kristina: I’ll assume a few comments will start the debate of who really loves / hates the Big Lebowski. Either way, one of the more quotable movies for sure. Uh, I’ll try not to watch this game? Joking aside, I’m trying to think positive, but yeah, Bulldogs. Is this a bad time to mention my girls at one point had Duke shirts? I mean, at least it’s early so no one goes to bed totally drunk and upset if we lose?

Chris: I want to believe that Mizzou will pull this off..I REALLY DO. But I just don’t see it. Georgia right now, is the class of the East and it is they that will have to be sacrificed to Bama in Atlanta this December. But damn if I don’t want to be wrong. For Mizzou to pull this off, they’re going to have to get great pressure and the offense is going to have to be perfect. And I don’t think our Tigers can…Georgia wins, old man football wins and the sad naps ensue.

So Ole Miss fans at least enjoyed the first minute of last week, amirite? Though given the particular bar we were at lied (for shame!) and couldn’t get the B1G network, we got to watch our tigers on a phone and watched Ole Miss get thrashed on the big screen. It’s almost like watching one of those Nat-Geo specials where the lion just toys with its prey for an hour. So now they host the Kent State Golden Flashes (apparently the mascot’s an eagle), who also didn’t have any fun last Saturday.

Scale of Watchability: The frozen store-bought version of White Castles. If you’re going to do the “I’m drunk and need a whitey” mode right, just find (somehow) a sober friend or uber over to an actual White Castle. (This is for the crowd that has them locally, obviously) They just don’t taste remotely like the actual thing. It’s such a sad panda version. And yes, that (drunk) is the only time I have ever had white castles.

Paired Drink: Another morning option with a Bloody Mary, but you failed and picked a really awful premixed version and now you’re stuck with it. Honestly, I have a relative who drinks the stuff straight / no booze. People actually do that? If, and like we need any more fodder for food arguments, her go-to is Zing Zang. Commence dispute on pre-made booze mixes. I mean, y’all did spend half a day on pizza.

kristina: This feels like it’ll be a blow-out or Ole Miss is going to pull an Arky and really screw things up. Ole Miss, enjoy it now and have fun, you get LSU next. Quit giving up touchdowns so quickly. Least we won giving up 500+ yards! (Uh, too soon? Let’s not do that again.)

Chris: So, last week Ole Miss scored on the opening drive of the game against Bama and then, poof, that was it. Bama could have put a hundred on them if they felt like it. Luckily Kent State comes to town this weekend and that should help them get right. Did you know that both Nick Saban and Gary Pinkel went to Kent State??? I know, that’s news to you, it’s where they learned, “the process” from Don James….FACT! Anyway, Gary and Nick’s alma mater will get the hell beat out of them early in the morning this Saturday, it’s just gonna happen.

Last week we talked about how the Alabama v Ole Miss game looked good on paper, but would actually be a waxing of epic proportions, remember that? Well consider this the sequel! Bama is taking on a ranked team from its division and people that want good football will convince themselves that A&M has a chance to pull the upset in the afternoon slot on CBS. I mean Johnny Manziel and Sumlin did it in 2012, what’s to stop this year’s version. Well folks, reality…reality will stop this from happening.

Scale of Watchability: Leftover Chinese Food. And it’s got to be served cold. Like this game (and like last week’s game with Bama) this will taste awesome at first as you scarf it down after you made the mistake of having a shot of Jack to close out your night. Then the next morning, your hands and face will be covered in a greasy film and you’ll wonder what you did with your life…which is what you will be wondering after wasting your afternoon with this game.

Paired Drink: For a beating of Texas A&M, I think it only appropriate that you slam a bunch of vodka cranberries. The cranberry juice will help with digestion and the vodka will help with the inebriation.

kristina: I forget where I saw it, but someone pegged ‘Bama as the flying death machine. Eh, yeah, pretty much. But it can’t be fried rice, that’s just not good cold at all. That rice noodle deal with the scrambled egg is tasty anytime though. Obviously, until they lose, can’t go against them. ‘Bama.

Chris: Until anyone shows a pulse against Bama there’s no way I’m picking against them…NONE. A&M fared well against Clemson and that’s what people will remember, but they’re going to get lit up by at least three touchdowns to Bama, at least.

So Vandy’s coming off a loss to Notre Dame while SC had the week off ‘cause of the weather if you weren’t aware. No love lost between Mason and Kelly as to what constitutes “bad football.” (Mason’s “Brian Kelly can take his comments and keep it moving” is a nice PC way of saying..............)anyway.........road game for SC, who, at last look, is only favored by 2.5 points. Speaking of the weather, there’s a chance for storms and a 60% chance for rain, so this could be fun. Slip and slide time! At least we’re hoping.

Scale of Watchability: Nachos. Like the fully loaded type with all the good stuff, not the basic “chips and cheese” variety. Go all out. Taken from reddit, someone please tell me this actually works? “Nacho Pro Tip - line the bottom of the pan with a couple of flour tortillas. When the nachos are finished all the fallen toppings and extra cheese can be rolled up into the tortillas like a bonus snack!” I mean, it makes sense?

Paired Drink: A cheap beer. (Anything but Coors light, you need to save that for later.) You can drink it as quickly as you go through the nachos. Cold nachos are, well, not such a good idea. This also depends if you went with the right cheese, of course. (Obviously the parts that are supposed to be warm, before the pedants attack.)

kristina: I don’t think Vandy being at home is all that much of a plus, but let’s stir up some disagreeing for once, ‘cause how boring was last week. I’ll suck it up and take Vandy, though I only saw the first half of their Notre Dame game, and welp, that was not the right half to watch for decent football. (This feels like a bad decision still, though)

Chris: Both teams have looked quite competent this season haven’t they? SC hasn’t played a game in two weeks so the Cocks are well rested and probably bristling with rage to hit someone that isn’t their teammates. I assume all football players feel this way at all time, just time bombs that are ready to go off on Saturday. Then in the offseason they take up painting to quell that rage monster. South Carolina engulfs Vandy on the road and probably pick up a couple of bonehead penalties in the process.

Ed O, I had you wrong…you clearly do know what you’re doing, just like your acting in The Blindside, just stellar. Did anyone really see LSU going into Auburn and doing what they did? I certainly didn’t, and if you did, kudos. But is Auburn any good, or is LSU just that good? Nothing is real anymore and I just don’t know what to make of things, up is down, left is right, it’s a giant mess.

Scale of Watchability: Yogurt, Greek Yogurt. Now again, I don’t eat late at night, but the crappiest thing I’ve eaten after an evening was greek yogurt because someone told me that it would help settle things down. It did not. And the queasiness I felt with that yogurt, I now feel if I were to spend any time on this game.

Paired Drink: Coors Light. It’s a beer (sort of) and it will disappear faster than the time you spend watching this game.

kristina: Greek yogurt is one of those “it can be fairly tasty or it can be death.” Certain brands are just AWFUL. Healthy, yes. Inedible, yes. Easily LSU. Damnit, you had one job, Auburn.

Chris: The battle for Louisiana supremacy is won and lost in Baton Rouge this weekend. LSU will win and let’s just move on to their next real game so we can see what is actually happening in this topsy turvy SEC season.

So, slightly amusing, given we have a scale of watchability, at least a day or so ago, there were a lot of tickets still remaining for this one. Kentucky fans must really just divert to basketball even if their football team is winning? A win for Kentucky puts them at 4-0 for the first time in a decade. Maybe we’ll get another twitter / social media war like last year’s, those are always fun.

Scale of Watchability: Potato chips. I mean, especially if you’re drinking, you just sort of forget what you’re doing and by halftime the bag’s empty. But go with a staple, some of the chip flavors out there are just getting a little too silly. (Those ginger wasabi kettle chips, however, now those are legit. Uh, if they’re still around.) Clearly, whoever thought running with a cappuccino-flavored potato chip was beyond drunk at the time.

Paired drink: We’re in Kentucky, bourbon of course. But if you’re not into straight bourbon, and well, clearly there’s an issue there, try out some of these. And actually some of those sound really good so clearly this post is just costing us money.

kristina: Think my Vandy pick is a little too cute, so I’ll stick with State on this one. I really need to start doing these after mealtimes if we’re sticking with a food pairing every week.

Chris: FINALLY! Kentucky’s bubble will burst all over Kroger field and I will enjoy it verily! Oh State, do you guys mess this up. Win and win big. Put the Wildcats straight into basketball mode. DO IT! Mississippi State wins and Kentucky fans and I just agree this is for the best. You know Coach Cal won’t allow this winning to continue, no sir.

There was a time that these teams were relevant and mattered in football. It’s true! This is not the case anymore. Tennessee gets smoked by WVU, Florida is losing to Kentucky, things have certainly changed. But not that much when it comes to this matchup. These teams are fighting for the middle and what a fight it will be. The amount of conversations between these fanbases to see who can wax rhapsodic about the good old days would trump any cake vs pie and what’s a sandwich conversation on RMN now or back in the day. It’s going to be infuriating.

Scale of Watchability: Frozen pizza that you forget in the oven. You forget it and then you pass out and then your oven goes off and you wake up to a char grilled thing that used to resemble pizza, but you’ve had an evening so you eat the middle and worry about the clean up in the morning.

Paired Drink: Old fashioned! Old fashioned are quite tasty and are best served with a side of nostalgia and that’s what this game is a big heaping of nostalgia. YOU’RE BOTH IRRELEVANT!

kristina: Vols. Uh, sure. Not really confident either way I go, so we’ll again go with disparity, when will I ever learn?

Chris: I mean someone has to win and make a big statement about how they’ve righted the ship and their season right? Well that winner will be Florida. The Gators who couldn’t beat Kentucky at home, will somehow figure it out and beat up on UT because I find their defense to be suspect. Do they still do that irritating third down for what anymore? I hope not….By the Mizzou game Phil Fulmer will be coaching the Vols, pulling a Dick Cheney when he was in charge of the VP search for W, he just decided it was him, and that’s what Phil’s got going here, which is just perfect for this game!

Oh Arkansas, what are you doing? I mean, yes “kansas” is in your name, but knock it off. North Texas? You have to play to the whistle, guys! I mean, if you can’t beat Colorado State or North Texas, maybe y’all should just skip this one. Arky hasn’t won their SEC opener since 2010, and yeah, that’s not about to change, especially with Auburn coming off a last second loss. They’re not happy.

Scale of Watchability: That wrapped-up-in-foil leftovers you found in the back of the fridge, and you don’t even bother to heat them up. And then you dip in them some very generic bland ranch salad dressing without checking the expiration date and it’s just a bad night after that.

Paired Drink: A few shots of a very inexpensive tequila. Too many crappy tequila can make a night go ugly, and this one’s going to be ugly. Just set up your water and advil ahead of time.

kristina: It’d be a little funnier if they didn’t have a new coach. Auburn. It’s the exact opposite of Alabama. Until Arkansas can actually win a game, I can’t.............

Chris: Maybe since Arkansas is not playing a non conference team that wears green, that will somehow help them? Maybe playing on the road will also help them? Maybe Auburn will fake punt return the hell out of them all game long? So many questions, but the one answer is that Arkansas is just incompetent…they’re starting to look just like our Kansas, bad at football and whiney. Can’t wait to see you in Little Rock next year, where you never win. Auburn rolls and feels better after that loss they took to LSU and mumbling Coach O.

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Our picks this week for those that are more into the whole brevity thing…

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Thanks again for reading, hope you enjoy the games and be sure to throw all of yourself into cheering on our Tigers because you never know….