The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 5 of the SEC Season

Ugh, the Mizzou bye week, is there anything worse? Even when Mizzou was just awful, hideous terrible at the end of the Larry Smith era (because anything Mizzou that happened before ‘96 doesn’t count to Chris) I’d rather watch the beating than no beating. And if you look at this weekend’s games, both SEC and national, it’s just garbage as far as the eye can see. You can’t tell me otherwise, and if you bring that “Top 10” Notre Dame v Stanford noise into this space, well there’s no helping you. Another year where Notre Dame possibly runs the table and then hopefully gets massacred in a playoff game, or even better, not make the playoffs and head to the Potato Bowl.

Anyway, we’re here for the SEC action this week and it’s just like a lake at the height of summer, lukewarm and kind of gross. All the algae!

But before we get to that, let’s see how last week treated your fair pickers.

To the records!

Another good week all told, better for some than others. And the damn Wildcats, they persist like Matt Damon checking his way at the end of Rounders (SPOILER ALERT!). kristina was hurt by her desire to be different (Disparity not so much ftw!) and the fact that it was her birthday and the Georgia-Mizzou game. Which I’m sorry was epic in the amount of stupidity I saw on the field. I yearned for a soccer referee to come running on the field, draw a square with his fingers and go to his little booth to check the plays at the goal line and the “missed” field goal. But alas, college football continues to trail soccer and hockey with its inability to accept change. Luckily baseball exists to continue to drag its feet into the 1990s.

As we’ve done these past few weeks, this weekend’s games (sans Mizzou) will be rated based on dessert, (not desert, but if we did, the Gobi would dominate, don’t even @ me), sweet and tasty dessert…(Sahara ftw!) Or Death Valley. The actual one, sorry LSU fans.

Let’s get to it!

To the games!

An early morning tilt in Alabama between #1 Bama and a team that gets to get paid. What the Tide is doing to teams is downright scary and it’s not getting any better until maybe the Iron Bowl or the game against LSU, because let’s be real, no one in the SEC east is going to do a thing against them. I really think the Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns should adopt James Carville as their mascot, he looked kind of Voldemort-Snake like right, that’s enough to incite fear into anyone…

Scale of Watchability: After Eights. Those awful little mint chocolate things that people who think they’re fancy put out when really they’ve got nothing better to serve. If I wanted to eat toothpaste after a meal, I’d just go straight for some Aquafresh, the neopolitan ice cream of the toothpaste world.

Paired Drink: This game is as forgettable as my 21^st birthday in CoMO, so let’s throw a mind eraser into your morning. It’s vodka, coffee liquor, soda water and lots of bad ideas.

kristina: Who was that bored/high to go “gee, let’s mix vodka and coffee liquor together, that sounds good!” ‘Bama, as usual.

Chris: So, Bama was losing for that one second against Ole Miss two weeks ago and I fear that’s all the losing they’ll be doing this season, and that’s BO……..RING! But yeah, Bama continues to cruise.

So this rivalry apparently is called the Southwest Classic, which is just utterly boring. Get creative, people! Arky released a hype video with the tagline “it’s now time to believe what can happen.” Well, you’re going to lose again, duh. It’s cute though, not like the announcers’ touchdown calls were from last week, ‘cause Auburn. A&M goes from playing Alabama to a team that couldn’t beat North Texas.

Scale of Watchability: Gummy worms. Why people still even eat them is beyond our scope of thinking. Meh. When you get those for Halloween, it’s just misery. I mean, at this point, it won’t even be fun when we beat Arkansas.

Paired Drink: Let’s get weird and just start off with straight vodka. But no, apparently it is a thing, vodka-infused gummies. Certain ideas are just better left on paper.

kristina: Sticking with the theme, until Arky actually wins a game, not going to pick ‘em. I do feel for them, new coach seems like a nice guy, but nope.

Chris: Once this game gets out of hand, and it will my friends, it will, the announcers will wax poetic about the days of the South Western Conference, the most corrupt group of schools you’ve seen. It was almost like cheating was encouraged and ignored, really it’s every SEC fans dream come true. A&M with the win and the continued destruction of everything Bert did continues…

You’re not going to hear me say that Georgia didn’t deserve to win, they certainly did. Mizzou made many, many mistakes, oh so many. But if you want to tell me they’re the second best team in the country, well I’ve got to disagree. They are fast and that’s all well and good, but they just looked good, not great. I’M NOT IMPRESSED IN THE LEAST. And we’re going to have to watch this team sit atop the rankings until they are manhandled by both Auburn and LSU and then out of NOWHERE, Mizzou pulls a Gary Pinkel and backdoors their way into the top spot.

Scale of Watchability: Warm Apple Crisp. It’s warm so that’s nice, but you get a couple bites in and you’re just ready to move on and have someone pass you the Marc as you leave this ok dessert topped with vanilla ice cream (is there anything less interesting?) to melt into some sort of goo.

Paired Drink: Sam Adams Octoberfest. It’s a bit bracing out there, it’s fall, it’s a good afternoon tailgating slow drinking beer. And it only tastes good this time of year, so go ahead and have four or five.

kristina: That still was one of the oddest starts to a football game I’ve seen. And yes, I watched it, it’s all my fault. I tried to have faith in you, Vols, last week, and you let me down. Bulldogs.

Chris: Did you know every time Tennessee takes a beating, an angel gets its wings? Well a whole bunch of angels are getting their wings this weekend because whatever Tennessee is bringing out there isn’t football in the competent sense. Man they are awful. I think they’ve become a basketball school all of a sudden. Let us revel in their beatings shall we? Georgia and it’s not even close.

Wait a damn second, Auburn thinks it can lay claim to the first homecoming? Shots fired. We haven’t made it to the final four, we haven’t won a SEC title game, at least just let us have that! And the kind of sad part is this probably will be better than watching Auburn vs. Arkansas. Have to like Southern Miss though, scheduling Alabama. They ain’t scared!

Scale of Watchability: Funnel cakes. Just not good for you, but after a few beers and a couple rounds of skee-ball (uh, best game ever at a carnival) you can’t resist the powdery-sugar goodness. You’ll probably regret it later though.

Paired Drink: Light beer. Helps the powdered sugar go down. Not like you’ll find much more at a carnival anyway. They’re just a way to spend fifty dollars on a neon-glow pink unicorn anyway.

kristina: Auburn. Still not happy with you for losing to LSU, but I tried getting too cute with my picks last week, so for now, somewhat staying in line. But it’s early, kids, we’ll see. Uh, at least Mizzou can’t lose this week? (Too soon?) Can’t play to the whistle if they never blow it.............. sad panda.

Chris: Have you seen those Nugenix commercials? Where the ladies all surround Frank Thomas and lament the fact that their husbands are just crap at that point? I hope that happens to Frank Thomas all the time. I may just join nine gyms to camp out in the hope that it goes down. Anyway, this pay game for Southern Miss occurs and Auburn rolls, and I look forward to the article that will come out around early November calling for Auburn and Mizzou to switch divisions, just like clock work.

Vandy, well you get the wins where you can get them I suppose, and a win over one of the Tennessee teams, is a win. Being real, Vandy’s probably the best team in Tennessee right now, at least of the college football variety and it’s your new normal SEC east. Mind you they’re not good either, but hey, take it where you can get it.

Scale of Watchability: Fruit Cup. I mean, come on people, give me something tasty and not whatever this syrupy nonsense is.

Paired Drink: Why not enjoy a nice Daquiri? It’s cold, it’s fruity, it’s got rum in it, it’s got all you need. Vandy doesn’t really tailgate but this will give you something to do, mixing and pairing rums and fruits.

kristina: I’ll say Vandy, even though I’m tempted not to after watching last week. It is boring when we completely agree though.

Chris: Vanderbilt and Purdue went to the same tailor for their helmets. Or is it a haberdashery since helmets are sort of like hats. Anyway, Vandy and their stupid anchor helmets to match their stupid court get a nice win that maybe 2000 people will go to see.

So State lost to Kentucky. Yeah, which apparently didn’t mean much as they’re still ranked. And Dan Mullen returns to Starkville, so cue all the trash talking and gator-infused menus. (It’s not bad, kind of tastes like a tough chicken.) Even though that (eating a pre-game gator meal) didn’t work for Tennessee, they still lost.

Scale of Watchability: We’re going with the ex-Dan Mullen named concoction, basically a vanilla concrete with caramel and chocolate. Basic, but sounds good. Nothing as good as Ted Drewes, of course.

Paired drink: Bourbon, y’all both lost to Kentucky. They already own basketball, this isn’t fair. But (good) bourbon is tasty, and we’re on a bye, so deal with it.

kristina: Sigh.........we can’t agree on all of these. Gators. Bad decision. Like relying on cheap booze. Bad red wine hangovers are the worst. Uh, so I’ve heard.

Chris: How in the world did State take the beating they did last weekend and still remain ranked? Are there no other teams worthy of being in the top 25? I’m straight up confused. Though I do like those unis they wore last weekend in their loss to Kentucky. Seriously, State, what in the holy hell? Anyway, State gets it done and Florida goes back to being unwatchable…hey they all can’t be Tennessee.

It’s all happening and it’s all very upsetting. I have stated numerous times that I don’t like living in a world where Kentucky is winning at football and Mizzou is not. They cannot have all the good things. Other Stoops cannot be a competent coach. So, we know what has to happen. In this SEC East battle to figure out who’s in the 1-4 area, because again, Georgia, I’m not buying you either someone has to step up and get it done in this matchup flawed SEC east teams. I don’t even know what to say here.

Scale of Watchability: Crepes! This game is going to be a tasty affair and crepes are delicious. Get some Nutella slather that stuff all over those fluffy delicious things and just have the best time of your life.

Paired Drink: A Manhattan. It’s Bourbon, sweet Vermouth and a maraschino cherry, what not to love? It’ll also get you kind of lit pretty quick!

kristina: Hazelnut is overrated, there I said it. Kind of have to go Kentucky here.

Chris: What do I even say? Benny Snell, he’s good and that’s all the compliments I can allow myself to give UK. I’m ride or die against them, so Will Muschamp, pull on those pleated khakis and get your troops fired up for this game. I think he does, I think South Carolina comes and rights all the wrongs that this season has wrought. PLEASE!

The Magnolia bowl is one of those “sounds nice, but what the hell happened to the trophy” things. (You know, kind of like when we play Arkansas for the border rivalry trophy.) Poor Ole Miss, LSU thinks Alabama’s a better rivalry. (Well, yeah.) I really don’t want to watch when we have to play ‘Bama. Booze exists for a reason.

Scale of Watchability: A sub-par ice cream cake. When they’re really good, they’re amazing, but your standard grocery store version is completely bland. And that’s not fair to the rest of the cake contingent, as we all know, cake >>>>>>>> pie, unless it’s Thanksgiving. Pie, you get a day. One day.

Paired Drink: The bywater cocktail. You’re going to want something Louisiana based after listening to Ed. O for a while.

kristina: LSU. Though I can’t, for whatever reason, stand the “Geaux.” Crawfish are tasty. Pain the ass though. I really need to stop doing these right before a mealtime.

Chris: I don’t know that Ole Miss is the worst team in the SEC but they’re very near the bottom…just like their basketball team will be. LSU is going to pound them into nothingness and it’s going to be quite amusing to see. Geaux Tigers I suppose.

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Here are our picks, use them at your discretion!

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Hope you enjoyed the post, and enjoy your Mizzou free weekend, they don’t come often, so I suppose enjoy the other games and your friends and family, if you must.