The Lazy Fan’s Guide to Week 2 of the SEC Season

Well, friends (and haters?), your summer long nightmare has come to a conclusion. The greatest weekly post that’s a week late is back by some demand, The Lazy Fan’s Guide, your one-stop shop for the weekend-to-come in the conference where it just means more, the SEC.

(Editor’s note - see what a one-person twitter campaign can do?!)

As we’ve done for the past two years, we’ll give you the info that no other site or post will as it pertains to the games inhabiting the SEC weekend ahead of you, with a perspective that’s just a bit different. We’ll tell you what to avoid, what to go all in on, what to pair with the game, and most importantly to you, the possible degenerate gambler, or generate gambler, who’s going to win.

Now how did we serve in the capacity last year? Let’s just take a look shall we…

To the records!

DAMN! That’s just easy money right there people. How this site is not swimming in readers who are rich in second-hand Dodge Stratuses, I do not know. But enough about how well we did, let’s focus on the week that’s coming and speak nary a peep about what happened last week, ‘cause it doesn’t matter.

(I mean, it is the lazy fan’s guide, y’all expect us to be punctual and remember the first week?)

Let’s move on, and let’s jump right into the schedule, the delicious, delicious schedule! And I say delicious because we’re ranking this year’s games on how you would grill them if they were meat, ‘cause why not?

(Pro tip: never post when you’re hungry.)

To the games!

State’s got a new coach, as their old coach went down to the swamp and they’ve got a nice little 18 by their name, which had nothing to do with their obliteration of Stephen F. Austin. I really hope State spent the money to invite Cuonzo down to give SFA a pep talk, since that’s kind of his thing now. Those guys could have used it after the wanton destruction that was enacted upon them…

Scale of Watchability: Mid Rare! Watch this game people. Last week K-State won but in so doing looked absolutely wretched and that was fun, but watching them get beat in the stadium named after their current coach will be utterly delicious. That stadium just looks as sad as the state it resides in.

Paired Drink: It’s morning time and there’s nothing better than a Moscow mule. It’s got ginger (good for the terrors you enacted on your stomach the night before), ice, a fun cup and vodka, sweet delicious vodka…that a certain individual on this site hates. Also, it’ll ease you into the day.

kristina: I clearly need more caffeine as I’m not coming up with who hates vodka. (But let’s face it kids, cheap vodka isn’t very good.) I’ll go with the SEC State option, hell Kansas St. had a hard enough time with South Dakota.

Chris: Joe Moorehead is a person that is a coach and could very well be a Bond character if he were a lady, because Ian Flemming always loved a good name that could mean so much more. Anyway, State’s going to get a big win in a little town in the middle of some state that no one has any business spending any time in, unless they’re convicted of a federal crime.

So Vanderbilt won last week, Nevada apparently beat something called Portland State, and while we’re at it, who names a viking Victor? Kind of a way to ruin a pretty decent mascot. Though Portland (OR) does have an amazing food truck scene. Mmmmm, street tacos. This is why you don’t write this stuff up right before lunch, kids.

Scale of Watchability: Medium! On one hand, quite a few people who actually know what they’re doing think this will be a close game. On the other hand, it’s 11 am on Saturday morning. Got to get all those (indoor) chores done before Mizzou kicks off in the evening.

Paired Drink: Bloody Mary, a much better way to use up that vodka, and you don’t even need a silly copper cup. Even better with fresh tomato juice.

kristina: As much as it pains me, I’ll go Vandy. Probably will watch this one if I can wrangle the remote away from the kids and their silly cartoons.

Chris: I wonder how many Vanderbilitians will spend this game bad mouthing Colin Kaepernick because he went to Nevada? For those people I’m picking Nevada, go Wolfpack!

Well what do you do when Nick Saban has a competent quarterback for the first time? You run and hide because the season’s over for all you kids in the SEC West. I don’t care how good anyone looked in Week 1, Bama is going to straight dominate like Vincent Gambini/Jerry Gallo/Jerry Callo did in that courtroom down in rural Alabama. Arkansas State has been a nice story the past few years both in terms of football and basketball, but in this case it’s time to take that check and head back to Jonesboro.

Scale of Watchability: BURNT. The other 2:30 PM game is FAR more enjoyable, but you should follow this on your handheld or go to a bar so you can see all the games. Support your local watering hole won’t you?

Paired Drink: You know what’s HUGE right now? Aperol Sprtizs. I am not a huge fan, but they’re massive in France and all of Europe and all over these here United States. So have one, you’ll feel fancy and care free once you get past the bitterness.

kristina: Seems like a really good way to waste Prosecco. (You know, Italian bubbly. I wanted to put champagne but then Chris and AlaTiger would throw a technically correct hissy fit and have migraines, and who needs that on a Friday?) As usual, until they actually lose, ‘Bama.

Chris: I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve gotten mud in my tires before, it was a harrowing experience, HARROWING. The guys at the Jiffy Lube were able to get that mud out, and my car has run just as well since then. Anyway, Arkansas State is getting more than just mud in its tires, it’s getting it all over everything and don’t you dare ask Saban a reasonable question, how dare you do your job! Bama in a route and Jalen is Hurting for a transfer...thanks, I’ll be here all week!

One of only two SEC v. SEC games, and the much better option. SC’s going with a “don’t flinch first” motto, apparently taken from this little tidbit, as they host the Dawgs, who have won the past three times, in the other Columbia. Channing Tindall might be in the running for this year’s most SEC-sounding name. (You know, ‘cause that’s the most important thing going on, never mind two ranked teams playing football or anything like that.)

Scale of Watchability: Bacon!! Honestly, nothing can be ruined by adding bacon, it just can’t. Hell, it may even improve Vanderbilt’s basketball court. (Okay, that may be a stretch, but still.)

Paired Drink: Your go-to lighter beer. Can drink enough of them without getting into trouble enjoying what should be the best option of the day. Save the craft stuff for later. (None of that pumpkin spice crud.) Why are there Christmas ornaments already out!??!?!

kristina: So am I supposed to watch this or DVR it? (Hah, I’ll make the joke before anyone else does. It worked, didn’t it?) I’ll pick Georgia.

Chris: The best game of the day by far, it’s a delicious affair. For all the crap we (ok maybe just me) give the SEC for some of its scheduling (the continued lack of Mizzou representation in the SEC-Big 12 basketball whatever) or treatment by other entitled fanbases (I’m looking at you Kentucky), I do LOVE that they require the conference season to get going right away. And this game should set the tone for the way the SEC east will go this year, the only division worth caring about. In this barometer (it’s pronounced THERMOMETER) game of week 2 I’m sticking with the Dawgs because I’m just not buying into the whole Muschamp thing yet.

Ole Miss just smacked the taste out of Tech’s mouth last week in the Advocare Texas Kickoff Classic, which is the saddest name for a non bowl game matchup. Anyway, while Kliff Kingsbury readjusts his Raybans and confers with SEC ambassador (oh god why) Clay Travis, Matt Luke (he’s got Orgeron written all over him) gets off to a good start in his first year as the permanent guy in Oxford. The game with the Salukis is something that is happening whether you want it to or not.

Scale of Watchability: HOCKEY PUCK. Come on…you’re not watching this. The 2:30 PM game has your attention and this just doesn’t.

Paired Drink: It’s Ole Miss and it’s a Hot Toddy, it just has to be. And if you can’t handle a hot drink in the summer than you’re doing life all wrong. Eat some soup also, add some spice, LIVE A LITTLE, I BEG YOU!

kristina: I still refuse to get on this hot drink train, especially in the summer. GTFO. Especially fireball. What’s with the fireball love? Ole Miss, and their silly love for condiments. Yeah, that’s a weird looking Shark. Again with missing out on mascot names, Tony? Way to be creative.

Chris: Ole Miss changed their mascot…again. First it was the southern guy that only a certain portion of the fan base probably really misses. Then it was Admiral Ackbar (SPOILER ALERT…YOU’VE BEEN WARNED…RIP, The trap finally got ya) for a glorious second, then it was a Black Bear that looked like it was always trying to catch flies, and finally they now have a deranged looking Shark named Tony who looks like he got lemon squeezed in his eye. AND WHY IS HIS DORSAL FIN ON HIS HEAD? Do they not teach animal biology down there?! We’ve got Shark Week, we’ve got the Sharknado series, hell, Jaws isn’t THAT long ago, and you’re telling me ensuring “Tony” was biologically accurate was a bridge too far? Come on Ole Miss, just come the F on!
I’m taking the comically deformed Ole Miss Sharks and hope somewhere Bruce Webber handles the loss in a dignified manner.

It’s the Vols vs. a directional state school, and apparently, the first time they’ve played each other. Hey, we do at times actually try to do a little research at TLFG. If that ever wins you a point at some trivia night, you owe us. (We accept booze if cash is an issue, no worries.) This should go a little better for the Vols than the women’s volleyball meeting did. I’ll save you the troubles, ETSU won. It shouldn’t be close, in fact, ESTU’s coach would “probably” walk home naked if they did pull off the upset. (Well, that escalated quickly?)

Scale of Watchability: Pork chops. Usually over-done and dry, and there are so many better options. (See “Bacon” above.)

Paired drink: Mitchum’s Thunder Road corn whiskey, ‘cause why not? 90 proof kids, don’t get too crazy. Um, honestly though, someone please tell me it’s tasty.

kristina: Do I have to pick? Vols. Not lying, and I know it’s a long shot, but an upset here would be amusing.

Chris: Did you see the beating UT took last week by the guys that replaced us in the Big 12-1+1-1+1? Man, that was delightful, I hope you let that score wash over you like a warm shower…Anyway, this week they get to get on the good foot by beating the Buccaneers, but it matters not! You still got destroyed by West Virginia, so deal with that losers.

Texas A&M spent last week just beating Northwestern State and do they have anything to show for it? Nope. They did not get the bump SC did and they just sit there, outside the Top 25 with nothing to do. But things are looking up in Aggieland. They’ve got a new coach who has a Christmas tree removal problem, and a very, very large stadium. And this weekend Clemson, owner of a Natty, is coming to town, things are looking…up?

Scale of Watchability: Charred Skin, dripping on the inside, glorious. This kicks off at the same time as the Mizzou game, but this is by far better, but that’s now what you’re here for. So hope for a big ol Mizzou beatdown (maybe?) and then train your eyes on this game.

Paired Drink: Lone Star Beer. If it’s good enough for wasted and sickly Matthew McConaughey, it’s good enough for the readers of this series.

kristina: Clemson. (Although the Aggie fans better have some good signs for College Gameday!)

Chris: The Aggies are a trendy upset pick, what with the game being at night, and their massive stadium is now massiver. But, Clemson is just better, and they most likely won’t be wearing those ridiculous purple uniforms. There was a time that in official FIFA competition, national teams were required to play in uniforms that existed only in their nation’s flag. I’m not sure that is still the case, but it’s important to remember that your current World Cup Champions are France and that just made my summer. Clemson and it’s only close for a half. Jimbo’s doing good things with Sumlin’s players, but he’s not there yet.

More time for fun (we think?) facts, these two haven’t played each other since their initial meet-up in 1949, and not shockingly, geographically speaking, SE Louisiana is LSU’s closest opponent. Shouldn’t be close. Poor SE Lousiana, first you lose your opener with game-tying field goal getting blocked, and now you get LSU.

Scale of Watchability: Salisbury steak, like the school cafeteria offering. It’s usually not a good thing if you almost have to have gravy with your meat option. (We’re not dissing gravy but just saying....) If you’re not watching Mizzou, you’re watching Clemson beat up on the Aggies.

Paired Drink: LSU did just beat Miami, let’s go with a hurricane. (But make it the right way, it’s like those people using sweet and sour for a margarita, just stop it, stop it now.)

kristina: LSU. It’s no fun these games don’t get odds, the south park kids can’t beat the spread that way!

Chris: Oh LSU, that beating you put on Miami is just going to make it that much harder to ever fire Ed Orgeron. You’re stuck with Coach O now, it’s your destiny to pine for Les after Ed does just enough to not merit a firing. Well enjoy it as best you can, and enjoy the ass kicking you give to Southeastern Louisiana who I must say have very nice uniforms!

Things went well last week at good Ol’ Mizzou, got an easy win, no one got hurt and nary a turnover to speak of. The offense looked great, did a lot of the little things so it appears that Derek Dooley isn’t completely incompetent. But can the Tigers replicate this against a tough Wyoming team and the fighting Dick Cheneys? Last week the Cowboys could not build on their victory over New Mexico State in week 0, taking a loss, and a convincing one at that, to Washington State who are coached by a guy that thinks he’s a pirate, and not in the fun Steve the Pirate kind of way. Which Wyoming team shows up in CoMO will determine how this whole thing plays out. I’m hoping for the crappier version.

Scale of Watchability: Rare on a beautiful mouthwatering burger. It’s Mizzou, so you’re going to watch it, let’s just move on shall we?

Paired Drink: Tank 7! Mac loves it and so do you, so bust out a fancy glass and enjoy this beverage from Missouri but owned by some Belgians who do know their way around a beer.

kristina: Damnit, now I really want a burger. Mizzou! Least it’s not on the SEC+ this week, ‘cause watchespn didn’t work out so well in the second half at times. It’s really a shame it’s going to rain all weekend, and I’m “stuck” watching football all day.

Chris: Do you recall Wyoming’s old head coach? You know the guy that went completely apesh&t after a game against Air Force? Well for those of you that don’t, he was Gary Pinkel’s offensive coordinator and everyone was super sad when he left. He was not a great head coach though. He’s now coaching the offensive line at Arizona State with Herm Edwards, who you know, plays to win the game. All that aside, Mizzou wins this game and we all just march on until Purdue, we are not on upset watch no matter what the pundits are saying.

So Alabama State (and by the way, actual hornets are just jerks) won their first game against Tuskegee, which has one of the more “possibly going to scare off small children” idea of a tiger mascot we’ve come across. Not lying, it’s a little creepy. And now they get to open a six game road trip against Auburn. Least they’ll get to see some eagles flying around.

Scale of Watchability: Hot dogs. Boring........... and there are so many better bratwurst options. Like philly cheesesteak brats.

Paired Drink: Those random beers in the way back of the fridge that you a) forgot were back there, and b) have no clue how they came about.

kristina: Auburn. I like the tin foil bowl idea.

Chris: Auburn is going to get a win over an Alabama rival this year, and it’s this one, so enjoy it while you can Tiger fans. If the game against real Bama is the iron bowl, this game should be the sheet metal bowl, or siding bowl. It needs a name. Tin foil bowl? Someone come up with something and let’s make this happen. Auburn big, HUGE, big.

It’s your other SEC on SEC action for the day, and not too shabby a game either, in the sense that it’s an SEC game. Last week Kentucky struggled with the Chippewas of Central Michigan (though struggling in Michigan for football teams seems to be a thing right now) and Florida straight up waxed Charleston Southern. This game should give us an idea of how the middle of the SEC East will shake out and who’s going to be hanging in the bottom with UT and Vandy.

Scale of Watchability: MEDIUM WELL on a Steak. I mean, you’ve got Mizzou on one channel, A&M and Clemson on another, really, this is just if you’re bored at half time.

Paired Drink: Spiked Gatorade! So you get hydrated while you get dehydrated. Pick a color, put some clear liquor in there and enjoy the less than normal hangover. Also go for a run!

kristina: Florida, I guess? I mean, it’s been 31 years since Kentucky’s beaten them? Keep that streak going. Twitter’s reactions to last year’s were amusing. Why would we want to go running with a hangover?

Chris: Kentucky, it’s over, you’re done! Get ready for basketball season where your team will not be as good as Duke or [shudder] Kansas’. So really, you’ve got baseball coming? I guess? Florida, though it means nothing.

Basically, Michigan canceled their game with Arkansas so they (Michigan) could play Notre Dame and so now the razorbacks head to Colorado to play CSU, who’ve been really good at giving up a lot of yards! In news that would excite our own JST, Arky’s bringing back some awfully shiny helmets for this one, guess to go along with their shiny new coach. And technically CSU has only beaten one SEC football team, LSU. When you join a new conference, you can just gloss over your previous losses, right? It’s an older article on food options at Canvas Stadium, but let’s just say one of these things is not like the others.

Scale of Watchability: Sirloin. Not the best choice for steak, not the worst. Just don’t over cook it.

Paired Drink: Last slate of games? Time to bust out the wine, assuming Mizzou didn’t do something completely and utterly foolish as to cause someone to drink it all beforehand.

kristina: Arky. But again, I’d take a point in the loss column to have an upset here. Except their new coach doesn’t seem to be much of a jerk so far? I don’t think I’ll ever read “Bumper Pool” without automatically adding “table.” (And upon further investigation, that’s exactly how he got his name, though there’s a fallback middle name. And there you have it.)

Chris: You want me to get excited about Arkansas because they beat Eastern Illinois? No sir! But they will beat Colorado State who don’t appear to be able to do a single thing about anything. They are Mizzou’s nemesis in post season play that matters. Stupid Holiday Bowl of 97, even stupider NCAA tournament loss. That loss in the NCAAs made Frank Haith somehow even more attractive to Tulsa which gave us Kim Anderson, which I’m still not over (though if he did just have one more year...)! Arkansas, you win this game and you win it good!

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For the TL, DR crowd, here are our picks:

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Thanks for reading this week and we hope you’ve gotten something out of this, other than maybe a distraction from your Friday that just can’t end soon enough...