clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Revue: Let’s just forget that ever happened, shall we?

What if we did Total Recall, but without the Recall?

Two things right off the top here.

1. I really considered making this week’s Revue one of those joke posts. You know the ones where the writer pulls you in with a really good hook or headline or tweet and you click, anxious to see what sort of wild theories or arguments the writer makes within. Then the story loads and it’s just a single word. “Yes,” or “no.” It’s a shock to the system because it’s like a punchline to a really elaborate setup. How it lands depends on the reader and the frame of mind with which they operate. Personally, I find them pretty amusing when they work. However, I’m not sure I’m clever enough to make something like that happen, so I opted against it.

2. Total Recall is not this week’s (Actual) Revue, because Total Recall kicks ass and is wild and weird in ways that I couldn’t dream of connecting to this last week’s Mizzou vs. Georgia game.

I did, however, need a Photoshop and the concept of Total Recall’s premise did intrigue me. Not enough to do a full write up, mind you, but enough to make this thought exercise the body of this piece that barely any of you will actually read (hi, bosses, thanks for letting me do this, please don’t fire me.)

For those unaware, the beginning of Total Recall finds Arnold Schwarzenegger needing some form of escape from his incredibly cushy life of being late 1980’s Arnold Schwarzenegger being married to late 1980’s Sharon Stone. Arnold’s character Douglas Quaid makes his way over to “Rekall” where he aims to take place in the ultimate escapist virtual reality experience, one that will whisk him away to some imaginary world where all of his “problems” — again, being Arnold and being married to Sharon Stone seems like a pretty chill gig — will melt away. Except then it comes to light that his virtual fantasies actually unlock a part of his brain that has been hidden away and he turns out to be a super special guy who needs to do a super special thing yada yada who cares about that part?

What I want to know is this: Is there currently a working VR system that will let you escape to a reality where Mizzou won the game last Saturday? Hell, I don’t even need them to win. Maybe they just didn’t play for some reason? You know, they couldn’t find any refs, or there was a storm or the teams passed around a stomach bug? I’ll literally take anything; I just don’t want to have to think about this game any longer than I already have (read, not overly but still far too much.) I’d prefer to exist in a timeline where this game didn’t happen. Again, I’m not picky, I don’t need the whole season erased, just the game where Mizzou had to play the consensus best team in the country with an otherworldly defense. NCAA Football video games would seem like a fun option, but they won’t be around for another few years so.

What I need is the first 30ish minutes of Total Recall (is that too far? I haven’t seen it in a bit), but it stops when Arnold goes under and dreams and before he has the crazy seizure and way before the scene where his eyes bug horrifically out of his head. The screen fades to black and BOOM bliss achieved. No more pain, at least as it relates to Mizzou vs. Georgia.

Anyway, yeah that sucked. Let’s move on from it, quickly and quietly if at all possible.

The (Actual) Revue

Getty Images

Oh damn, looks like our theater was closed for routine maintenance this week.

Check back next week, I’m sure we’ll be open then!

And the M-y Goes To...

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Chad Bailey

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: NOV 06 Missouri at Georgia Photo by Austin McAfee/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Look, any nominations from this week are going to be a shot in the dark to win, so we’re just trying to get some guys other than Tyler Badie nominations at this point. Chad Bailey had a hell of a day under some pretty dire circumstances, so why not hand him his first nom? Bailey stared down the gauntlet of Georgia’s running game and took home 10 tackles, including 9 of the solo variety. Good enough for me, and should be for you too! Don’t like it? Make up your own awards and nominate someone!

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Tauskie Dove

NCAA Football: Texas A&M at Missouri Jay Biggerstaff-USA TODAY Sports

This nomination comes as a bit of a shock to even me, really. After all, Missouri only had 152 total yards of passing against the Dawgs... and Dove had 84 of them! Props to you, man. You made it work when no one else could. And for that you at least deserve a shout.