Are the introductions to these columns getting shorter with each passing week?
Not that I can tell. Why do you ask?
Oh yeah, this week’s Revue comes with a soundtrack. Click here to access.
Let me ask you: What is best in life?
I will answer you: To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamen- ah, hell, wrong Schwarzenegger movie. Hang on, let me queue this back up...
What’s the matter, Georgia? SEC got you pushing too many pencils? Kirby got you making too many ‘crootin calls?
I first started thinking about Predator when I reached the specifically Mizzou stage of grief entitled, “Well that sucked, but it also kind of whipped ass?” which is exactly how I would describe my feelings the first time I saw Predator. I’m not disparaging the great Shane Black here. After all, there is no greater moment of ACTING than Carl Weathers crying out in horror while his severed arm fires rounds into the jungle. And lines like, “If it bleeds, we can kill it,” and, “Get to the choppah!” are amongst the pantheon of amazing action dialogue.
But, y’all, Predator is bad. Not like Now You See Me, which I appropriately dumped on last week, but more in the way that only a movie that rips as much as Predator can be bad. I don’t know that Shane Black intended for it to be that hammy (literally), but all of its glorious flaws only serve to highlight how wonderful and special a movie it is.
It’s not quite a 1:1 comparison with Missouri’s game against Georgia — although I suppose you could say Missouri losing is sort of like Arnold blowing himself up to stop The Predator — but I did find something endearing about the way Missouri bungled its chance to upset the No. 1 team in the country. There’s quite a bit of good that can be taken away from the Tigers’ performance, and just as much not quite so good. However, the genius of Missouri vs. Georgia 2022 is the rising star of Harrison Mevis as the Predator of our shared college football life.
What is the Predator? Well, the Predator is an alien life form who came to earth for one thing — to hunt for sport. If you’ve seen Prey, the newest entrant into the series, you know that Predators will only hunt other natural predators and leave the prey alone. Similarly, can you think of one other thing Harrison Mevis was put on this earth to do beside kicking a football so hard and so far that thousands of people across the Western Hemisphere of planet earth are brought to collective euphoria? I can guarantee you that at least one Georgia fan, when Mevis hit his 55-yarder in the fourth quarter, spiked their phone on the ground and obliterated it. Harrison Mevis not only has the power to lift the mood of a nation, he will cost you a cool $700 with the power of his meaty leg. No creature on earth wields that sort of power... except for the Predator, that is.
Think, too, about the characteristics that make up a Predator. Relentless in seeming defeat. Pinpoint precision. Ruthless tactics. Jubilant war shriek. Does Harrison Mevis not tick all of those boxes? I know he’s photoshopped as Arnold on the image above, but I’m not sure sure I haven’t seen triangular dots appearing between the goal posts at Faurot recently. Mevis misses field goals like last weeks’ for sport — to heighten the thrill of the hunt for the next 50-yard conquest.
Harrison Mevis is The Predator, plain and simple. And Missouri vs. Georgia was like The Predator for which The Predator is named. It’s kind of bad, but mostly good in that badness, while featuring one of the greatest creatures to ever set foot on the field of war sport.
So don’t jump through your screen to grab me if I’m way off base here, but that is now two consecutive great games Missouri has played in, right? Last week was hilariously fun in its misery and lack of quality, but this week really had something going for it. The football was good (if not great), the atmosphere was electric at Faurot and the tension was high. I’m not sure what other elements you could want. A close finish maybe? Oh, we got that too.
But there’s still something missing from this Missouri team, and no I’m not talking about end product in the red zone. Despite an uptick in creativity from Eli Drinkwitz, there’s still no pizazz, no flair, no chutzpah from these Missouri Tigers on offense. On defense? They’ve got it all in spades. I could watch this defense play both ends of a scrimmage, please and thank you. But despite the wealth of exciting athletes and playmakers on Drinkwitz’s side of the ball, there’s still not enough happening that draws people’s interest.
Just imagine if Missouri had an average offense. They would have — and I promise, I’m not being hyperbolic here — shellacked Georgia. It wouldn’t have been close. We’d be talking about how Missouri (temporarily) derailed a dynasty in the making. We’d be debating whether or not it was the biggest upset in school history. But instead, we’re talking about Eli Drinkwitz’s playmaking, the offensive line and Brady Cook.
I can’t knock the team as a whole or the game, for that matter. It was well-played by both sides and Georgia’s quality is always exciting to watch. And hey, I’d pay to watch Harrison Mevis thump oblong objects into the atmosphere as a solo spectacle. But I can’t go to four vintage Harpo’s cups here, I just can’t. I’m going to have to stick with 3 and a half out of five vintage Harpo’s cups.
Disrespectful Play Index
Last week I wrote that sometimes disrespect can be found in the small moments. The details. The little things that you may not notice at first glance and may not even notice after squinting pretty hard. Disrespect is an ethereal concept, one forged in the hearts and minds of every person who may, for whatever reason, choose to not particularly like any other given person.
However, sometimes to truly disrespect an opponent, you must first honor your true self. I believe Sun Tzu wrote that in The Art of War... or maybe it was Hermann Hesse in Siddartha. Either way, I’m pretty sure I’m stealing it from someone. I digress; in Missouri’s case, the most disrespectful play from Saturday’s loss came not from its contempt for Georgia or malice toward its fans. It came simply from a man who was authentically living his truest, best life, a life so large we can only assume that he is also in charge.
The scoring categories once more:
Category 1: How difficult/impressive was the play? (0-20)
Category 2: How hard did the defense try? (0-20)
Category 3: How much did his teammates help? (0-5)
Category 4: What did the player do immediately afterward? (0-20)
Category 5: How did everyone not involved react? (0-15)
Category 6: Is there a backstory/context to consider? (0-20)
And the play in consideration...
HARRISON MEVIS DRILLS A 55-YARD FIELD GOAL TO PUT MISSOURI UP 22-12. pic.twitter.com/A8xeE7zYQW— CFB Kings (@CFBKings) October 2, 2022
- Category 1: How difficult/impressive was the play?
Average field goal range in the NFL comes to a team’s 35-yard line, equating to a 52-yard field goal. For those of you who don’t arithmetic, that’s 156 feet, or almost precisely one fourth of the way up the St. Louis arch. The dimensions of the goal posts are 10 feet high for the crossbar and 18.5 feet across. It’s one thing to kick a ball 156 feet. It’s entirely another to kick a ball 156 feet in an 18 foot space while maintaining a plane of travel at least 10 or more feet in the air.
A table on Reddit that I didn’t double check cites that field goal percentage in the NFL from 55 yards was 53.57 percent from 2009 to 2019. It’s probably nowhere close in the NCAA because #collegekickers. What Harrison Mevis did on Saturday wasn’t easy. It just seems like it because he’s done it a few times already in his career. 18/20
- Category 2: How hard did the defense try?
You can smell the body odor from Athens in this picture. With one quarter left, Georgia was about to go down by two scores to Missouri and risk not only its No. 1 ranking — which it lost regardless — but also maybe it’s chance to defend the title. This may be the sweatiest the Bulldogs get all year long, but my god is this photo sweaty.
I appreciate that the man around the end is a blur in this photo. The rest of the players are captured by the camera’s fps settings, but that man is double speed. He’s doing everything he can to make this kick not happen... and he nearly gets there! That’s assuming, of course, Mevis doesn’t boot it through his chest like a Xenomorph, which I don’t think would’ve been off the table. 14/20
- Category 3: How much did his teammates help?
Field goals are difficult to gauge because, in all honesty, it’s the only time in a game where the rest of the team gets graded on a pass/fail dynamic.
Did the kick get blocked? No? Then they did their job and couldn’t have possibly done it better.
Did the kick get blocked? Yes? Worst case scenario.
In this case, the kick didn’t get blocked. His teammates did as much as possible to help him out here. Tough break for Mevis. 0/5
- Category 4: What did the player do immediately afterward?
If you haven’t yet seen Mevis’ celebration from this kick, go rewatch the end of the above video. I’ll give you a second...
What is it that I say in this space every week? Football players are boring? Harrison Mevis is no mere football player. His Royal Thiccness is much more. He’s a titan, a myth, a legend.
I cannot stress how deeply, madly infatuated the internet is with Harrison Mevis, and it’s ABOUT. DAMN. TIME. 20/20
- Category 5: How did everyone not involved react?
The camera people on ESPN weren’t as nimble as they were last week. Luckily, we have the internet.
Mevis looked smooth from 52, this is TopGolf football— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) October 2, 2022
I am officially on Mevis Island— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) October 2, 2022
SETTING UP THE GAWD MEVIS https://t.co/X1Zhgj8zqa— Mina Kimes (@minakimes) October 2, 2022
If this holds up, Mevis is about to have the busiest dorm room on the entire Mizzou campus.— Roll ‘Bama Roll (@rollbamaroll) October 2, 2022
Stay hydrated, my dude. Bring some protein bars.
When Spencer Hall, Bill Barnwell and Mina Kimes are all singing your praises, you’ve officially captured the collective heart of the world’s weirdest, most influential football corner. 15/15
- Category 6: Is there a backstory/context to consider?
In nearly four years of Thiccer football, we’ve never had any reason to doubt Mevis. Yes, he’s missed a spare kick here and there. However, he’s been not only a model of consistency but also escalating excellence.
And then last week happened. Mevis didn’t shy away either, wearing the costly miss on the chin and insisting that his confidence hadn’t wavered. The collective fan confidence, however, probably wasn’t as high.
But Saturday night was the proving ground for Mevis to show how confident we should have remained. It’s basically inarguable that he’s the best kicker Missouri has had this century (maybe ever?), and not even a missed chip shot can keep him from impacting Missouri’s chances of winning. Returning from a miss that bad isn’t easy, but Mevis made it look as effortless as a 55-yarder. 20/20
Harrison Mevis’ 55-yard field goal was 87 percent disrespectful to Georgia and its fans.
Superlatives and Awards
Most Improved Player: We’ve already mentioned Dominic Lovett’s massive leap in quality... I don’t know, at least 1,000 times on this site? So when does this go from Most Improved to Most Valuable? Maybe during a week when Harrison Mevis isn’t launching mortars.
Best Play: We have to share the love here on this one...
Tyler Stephens goes one-handed to put Mizzou up 10-0 on UGA! pic.twitter.com/hB0PxxHjSB— Cam Mellor (@CamMellor) October 2, 2022
First things first, massive props to Tyler Stephens — who has been duly criticized for his lack of production this year — for coming down with that ball. Brady Cook seemed set on air-mailing that ball to Providence, but Stephens’ athleticism was enough to cover.
But we also have to throw some flowers Eli Drinkwitz’s way. That’s a damn good play design, and BK made as much clear during the game.
This is such a great design by Drink. We’ve all complained about the lack of creativity. Gotta give credit when it’s due, and it’s very much due so far tonight. pic.twitter.com/wOAuaAAs4V— Brandon Kiley (@BKSportsTalk) October 2, 2022
Both Drink and Stephens have been targets for warranted criticism this season, but our collective hat is off to them for this one.
Like he never left, baby.