I picked a hell of a week to come back, huh?
In case you forgot, The Revue is now a year-round endeavor. Big news for all the freaks and weirdos out there!
And, look, I don’t care how things turned out at The Phog on Saturday afternoon. It’s always and forever F-K-U in this house and on this blog.
That’s just the price I pay; destiny is calling me (to hate the university of kansas).
The Avengers: Infinity War was the last good movie Marvel made. There. I said it.
Do you want to know why I feel that way? Well, I’m telling you anyway. It’s because sometimes the bad guy wins. More so, sometimes the bad guy has to win. Not in a grander sense, of course. The moral arc of the universe bends toward justice and all that, and I certainly see no justice being doled out in Lawrence anytime soon. But if God or Fate or whichever deity/force you believe in is ultimately crafting a story from this bizarro world, there eventually have to be some stakes introduced, right?
Bill Self and the university of kansas are this generation’s Thanos of college basketball. Sure, they seem folksy and pleasant, like they’ve got some good ideas about the way that basketball should be played in the modern era. But they are ultimately soulless gaslighters, the petulant program that gets its way 100 percent of the time while insisting that someone, somewhere in the NCAA is out to get them. Their style of basketball is almost rigorously boring, but not even in a hipster-y Tony Bennett way. They’re just sort of... above average at literally everything? They’re like the Wonder Classic White Bread of the bread aisle. Pretty good product that’s probably produced unethically that no one actually likes outside of weirdo brand enthusiasts.
Ah hell, I got lost in the metaphor. Where was I? Right, Thanos. Bill Self is Thanos, and he’s only missing the purple sack chin to prove it. And we ultimately knows what happens to Thanos. His pride gets the better of him and he can’t foresee the good guys — that’s us! that’s Mizzou! — constructing an overwhelmingly complex (yet somehow oversimplified) plan to traverse space-time and thwart his master plan.
And imagine how much sweeter for us it’s going to be when that happens to have looked back at all the beatings we took to get there. These fateful trips to the shaved armpit of the Great Plains will no longer be causes for mourning, but speed bumps on the path to cosmic victory! Hopefully no one has to sacrifice themselves in that pursuit, but at least we’ll be able to look back with a resounding Nelson Muntzian “ha ha!” at the fall of kU hoops.
Until then, the bad guys have to win. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.
★★☆☆☆ for the loss, and ★★★★☆ for The Avengers: Infinity War, which may ultimately be the crowning achievement of the MCU when it’s all said and done
Much like many of you, I’m not one for moral victories. Unless there’s a clear indication that the performance you logged was worthy of a win against a clearly superior opponent — looking at you Mizzou Football vs. Georgia! — and the result didn’t match, spare me your “morals.”
I don’t think I was overly discouraged by this result. You and I both know that kansas was always going to win this game. Always! Do you know what the number one song in the U.S. was the last time Mizzou won a game in Lawrence?
No documentaries. No memoir. No conservatorship saga. Just Britney, bitch.
There was no way Mizzou had a puncher’s chance in this game. It just wasn’t meant to be. Hell, even the best Mizzou teams find a way to lose themselves at The Phog. And this is far from the best Mizzou teams.
But can you tell me you weren’t the slightest bit encouraged by the way that game played out? How Mizzou disrupted the jayhawks’ plans and made them win with (more-or-less) hero ball and individual acumen? How the Tigers wouldn’t go away despite being down by double digits for much of the second half? How even Bill Self begrudgingly acknowledged Mizzou’s success at throwing kansas off their game plan?
No loss to kansas will ever be moral. Like I just pointed out in The Revue, it is against the laws of a just and loving God. But, as Vahe Gregorian astutely pointed out this weekend, there are signs of progress to point to. And “signs of progress” is an inherently more watchable state of being than whatever the Tigers have decided to do in the last three iterations of this rivalry game.
For losing to kansas (again) but covering the spread (!!), Mizzou will be punished post-hoc for all five of kansas’s Level I NCAA violations. (Editor’s note: don’t let this devil magic come back to bite us, Josh. You’re playing with fire, buddy.)
Disrespectful Dunk Index
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Rock M Nation
Superlatives and Awards
Best Prospective NIL Deal
It played such a small role in this game, but the efficacy of “Nick Honor challenges the space-time continuum with an absurdly deep three” continues to astound me. At this point, Nick Honor pulling up from anywhere on the court would no longer surprise me. Imagine Dree Gholston’s 2022-2023 buzzer beaters, but Nick Honor is pulling up instead of heaving a desperation attempt.
The man’s range is absurd, and I think he should be rewarded with a sponsorship from some bow and arrow range or skeet shooting farm... maybe Bass Pro has something in store for him? That feels much more like a Noah Carter sponsorship, but until Noah Carter yaks up a three from 40 feet, I’ll award the deal to Mr. Honor.
The Himothy Award for Most “Him” Performance
How Sean East II continues to put up these kinds of numbers — 21 points, 6 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals — at his current efficiency rates is mind-boggling to me. Until the next game where Aidan Shaw blocks one million shots, this award continues to belong to Mr. East.
Best Meme Award
The real bummer of this whole thing is that I refuse to dignify any kU memes with the honor of being represented in my column. If this makes you angry, let me assure you that the world outside of Lawrence, Kansas, is so vast and exciting. All you have to do is take that leap of faith! I promise, you won’t regret it!