DJ, turn that shit up.

That’s right, folks. I’m back for yet another year of stupidity, irreverence and half-cocked ideas. It’s The Revue, the least football-y football feature you’ll find on this, the premier free Mizzou Football blog, in this or any other timeline.

Thanks to those who keep reading year after year. Ideally, I can repay your loyalty with at least one or two laughs along the way. And hopefully you’re not coming for too much real analysis. There’s plenty of that elsewhere on the site, anyway.

The Revue

Let me run through the last two years of Marvel movies for you here, each followed by a quick word-association review.

• Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings // Fun!
• Eternals // Not fun!
• Spider-Man: No Way Home // Mid!
• Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness // Worse than mid!
• Thor: Love and Thunder // Why?
• Black Panther: Wakanda Forever // Sad?
• Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania // No thanks!

As you can see, I have not personally enjoyed a foray into the Marvel Cinematic Universe for a good two years. Which is why I was relieved when I finally got around to Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 recently, the lightest (and easily the fleshiest) entry in the Guardians trilogy.

As with Guardians Vol. 3, it was refreshing to be back in a place where I was enjoying myself again — that is, sitting in front of a big screen watching Mizzou Football. Eli Drinkwitz’s teams have had an annoying habit of leaving a sour taste in our mouths the past few years, but damnit all if I’m not excited to see them again when they come back around. And, much like a James Gunn-helmed superhero movie, the premise was set up for easy enjoyment. Thursday night against a cupcake FCS opponent? Guaranteed low-stakes enjoyment!

But it’s never that simple, is it? For some reason, Marvel Studios and Eli Drinkwitz have to make things not quite as good as they could’ve been for... I don’t know, narrative tension? Not that there was much in either the game or the movie. But there’s something holding both of them back from being the best version of themselves. Small things like execution errors in scripting or play-calling — same thing, but maybe I’ll try to guide folks into the metaphors this year — or the odd casting choice, like not letting Sam Horn or Dave Bautista cook nearly as much as they could’ve.

It’s hard to complain too much, though. It was good to be back with the Tigers and the Guardians, even if I’ll forget both of their most recent outings pretty quickly. The ceiling needs to be higher, but I can make room for comfortably enjoying myself rather than being intellectually, emotionally and spiritually challenged (Harrison Mevis’ struggles notwithstanding.)

★★★★☆ for the win over South Dakota, ★★★☆☆ for Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 3 which featured far more bodily fluids than I was anticipating

Watchability Meter

How do you think they go about paying blood donor teams when it comes time to fork up the dough for games like Thursday? Do you think there’s an online portal where some accounting drone has to enter the master credit card number? Do you think DRF has to read it out loud on the phone to South Dakota’s finance department? Do you think there’s a briefcase exchange a la Pulp Fiction?

(I know the briefcase isn’t technically exchanged in Pulp Fiction, but I can’t imagine it goes down quite like that either.)

Point is, I’m not sure how money exchanges hands at this level. Hell, it’s more money than I’d ever know what to do with. It’s probably something boring like a wiring process.

I’d like to imagine, however, that at some point these deals were done with checks. You know, the thing you have millions of sitting around your house for the odd time you need to pay a bill to a mom-and-pop repair shop? I think having Mizzou-themed checks would be pretty cool... in fact, I’m sure someone reading this right now has some somewhere! If you do, go ahead and send me a few blank ones so I can admire them.

For taking care of business, looking good doing it and never having to sweat (despite some hiccups along the way) Mizzou gets 4 out of 5 Mizzou-themed checks.

Disrespectful Play Index

It’s back and pretty much the same as ever!

For those unaware, the wonderful, effervescent Shea Serrano is the pioneer of the disrespectful dunk index, a quantitative formula to measure the most disrespectful dunks in basketball. Last year, I started borrowing his formula (with some tweaks) to measure football plays which I thought were worth highlighting for their level of disrespect.

As a reminder, here are the categories with which we’ll be judging the plays.

Category 1: How difficult/impressive was the play? (0-20)

Category 2: How hard did the defense try? (0-20)

Category 3: How much did his teammates help? (0-5)

Category 4: What did the player do immediately afterward? (0-20)

Category 5: How did everyone not involved react? (0-15)

Category 6: Is there a backstory/context to consider? (0-20)

And here’s our week one play in question

Of course, it’s Luther Burden III, right?

• Category 1: How difficult/impressive was the play? (0-20)

It’s always important, when evaluating a play for disrespect levels, to identify where the play started and what sort of position the player has been put in.

First things first, and it feels like I don’t need to say this, but YAC monster! My guy Luther is catching this basically at his own 20 and makes the rest of the play look like a cakewalk. It helps, though, that the most dangerous defenders on the field have been sealed to the outside, giving Mr. Burden plenty of room to cut in. It’s certainly still impressive given his starting position, but he’s given plenty of help in the build-up. 14/20

• Category 2: How hard did the defense try? (0-20)

Look, I have to praise South Dakota’s spirit. Even in the dying minutes of a game they were never going to win, the defense never went down without a fight. As is proved by Luther Burden’s touchdown catch played frame-through-frame.

I appreciate that the defensive line is trying here, I really do. I just sort of wonder if we could also see a post-game race between these four and Burden on a flat track. I’ll tell you what I think happens... exactly what happened in this game.

It’s sort of ridiculous how much stronger and faster is that Luther Burden is than almost every other person on every football field he steps onto.

• Category 3: How much did his teammates help? (0-5)

Reminder that this category is graded on an inverse, with 0 meaning “his teammates did all the work” and 5 meaning “I put the team on my f*****g back, doe.” And as I pointed out above Luther gets plenty of help here, though there’s still plenty for him to do. We’ll round this out to a middling 3/5

• Category 4: What did the player do immediately afterward? (0-20)

I really appreciate that Luther Burden seems to realize that he is Him. Humility is certainly a virtue, one that a lot more athletes could use plenty of. But sometimes when you’ve got it, you’ve got it and Luther Burden has it in spades. He’s strutting before he even gets in the end zone, powering defenders off mid-step so he can flex on ‘em. Luther Burden knows who he is, and now you know it too, Coyotes. 17/20

• Category 5: How did everyone not involved react? (0-15)

It’s hard to blame the Tigers for not being more animated here given the state of the game. It’s been in hand since the first quarter, and Burden’s touchdown is more the icing on the cake than anything else. They all run up to greet him in the middle of his second celebration, to which he responds with a few well-earned daps. Nothing too special to see here. Move along. 9/15

• Category 6: Is there a backstory/context to consider? (0-20)

This is a big year for Luther Burden. After playing second fiddle to Dominic Lovett during much of the 2022 season, Burden is the guy for Eli Drinkwitz and Kirby Moore’s offense. He’s the most gifted athlete and playmaker on pretty much any field he plays. The trick now is marrying the physical prowess, the swagger and the technical ability. Burden’s touchdown was an appropriate capper on a strong first showing for the sophomore, who will look to make a similar performance leap as his former teammate. 15/20

Superlatives and Awards

Best Prospective NIL Deal

Every week I’m going to pitch a new NIL deal for one of Mizzou’s players based on something that happened in the game. I’m also going to immediately move away from that formula in this first week to say that I’m handing out this award based on something I’ve never noticed before. And that is how got damn large Kristian Williams is.

Has he always been that big. I mean, my GOD.

Anyway, my pitch for Mr. Williams is to link up with Certified Angus and/or the Netflix show Beef in an effort to market himself as “Beef” Williams. I think it could catch.

The “Down Worst” Award for the player who is... you get it

I know Sam Horn didn’t exactly earn himself the benefit of the doubt on Thursday night, but you have to feel for the guy... you finally get your chance to show off and the defense can’t get off the field against South Dakota?

Then you make the tiniest mistake by throwing slightly behind your receiver and it takes a lusty bounce to the defensive back. Look, I don’t believe in witchcraft, but someone in the Cook family clearly cursed Horn’s Imo’s order.

The WTF Award

Eli Drinkwitz trying to set up his preteen daughter with his twenty-something year old quarterback! Kind of strange, no?

Not for nothing, but I do think Tim Robinson as a football coach who says continually weirder things in a post-game presser would be a good I Think You Should Leave bit.

Most Valuable Player

Haha, PSYCH, this is actually a back plug for the MV3 post we do every week, read up, folks!