Obscene (adjective) – offensive (but not the good kind of ‘offensive’) or disgusting by accepted standards of morality and decency.; repugnant. “Missouri put on an obscene display of ‘football’ Saturday afternoon”
Censorship (noun) - the suppression or prohibition of any parts of books, films, news, (blogs), etc. that are considered obscene, politically unacceptable, or a threat to security. “Alec is about to impose a petty form of censorship”
Until Missouri football is able to produce something resembling a decent, real-life functioning, give-a-damn offense or defense, this particular weekly Rock M Nation piece will censor the O’s and D’s from Barry ***m’s name. I implore you to do the same for he hasn’t the right to possess them at this time.
Though, you may ask, “Isn’t this a rash, knee-jerk move on your part?” and I’ll remind you Big Ten powerhouse Purdue held Coach ***m’s team to a paltry 3 points this past weekend.
Also, yes, yes it is.
As always, let us know in the comments what YOU think you know about the state of Missouri football and your predictions for the Auburn game. Before I drop my thoughts on you, though, let’s take a look back at some WITIK’s from last week.
RECAP: What I Thought I Knew Last Week
“My fear of ***m not having a firm grasp on this team and being somewhat out of his element as a Power 5 head coach is growing. Or is it subsiding?”
Like a weed, man. Like a f***ing weed.
“I THINK the season is far from over and a bowl invite is still within reach. I KNOW, I know. I MUST be delusional.”
Yes, Alec, this miserable, embarrassing season is FAR from over. Good call! Ya nailed it!
“I THINK Mizzou’s offense looked, how shall we say, less than confident out there – specifically in the pass game. I DON’T KNOW how in the hell that is possible, though. Seriously, even the coaches seemed to be lacking confidence. How, Heupel, how?!”
Never underestimate The Great White Heupel.
“I THINK it unlikely Drew Lock reaches his “potential.”
I’m sure he’s a great kid, though.
“I THINK I want this Cross firing to be a turning point in the season. I KNOW there is no real reason to think that will happen. Maybe a turning point in ***m’s career?”
“I KNOW this team will never be what we want it to be. I THINK that’s just something we fans need to accept.”
No fan should accept THIS.
I don’t think I made any predictions last week…
RECAP: Preseason Predictions
“Missouri vs Auburn will be the 'Game of the Year'”
“Jim Sterk's statue will be approved by Thanksgiving”
Actually, about that...
What I THINK I KNOW
- I THINK a coach who has “no idea” why his team is playing so poorly is pretty damn frightening from a fans perspective. I KNOW he sounds like a guy with zero head coaching experience and yada yada yada, you know all this by now.
- I THINK firing ***m immediately fixes nothing. I KNOW it’s rare for an outside hire to take over mid-season so we’d probably be stuck with an interim in-house option, aka, Josh Heupel. Though, if he can bring his 3-and-out approach to the defense…
- I keep THINKING about “philosophical differences” and just what that may mean in the context of Missouri football’s coaching staff. I KNOW it has to be rooted in something inane like “whether a hot dog is sandwich or not.” Right?
Hypothetical example: Barry was adamant in his anti-sandwich stance whereas
DeMontie Cross, even as a young boy, had always believed those delicious Oscar Mayer treats were a part of the sandwich family. Neither coach imagined this particular philosophical difference would ruin their working relationship; until one fateful early September day when Barry tasked Cross with picking up halftime sandwiches for the team. Down 14-10 to South Carolina at the midway point, a hungry Coach ***m made his way into the locker room with ham, turkey, cheese and sweet-sweet mayonnaise on the mind. He was starving. He was famished. For the first time all day, he was even cracking a smile thinking about those sweet-sweet sammies. It was sandwich time! The locker room door swung open, Barry turned, and... he was now staring at his defensive coordinator, surrounded by towering mounds of what Barry believed to be the antithesis of sandwich, stuffing his face with an all-beef Frank smothered in relish and onions.
Cross was fired the next day.
- I KNOW this is an actual quote from Barry ***m following the South Carolina game, courtesy the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: “Every game from here on out, the challenge for us is going to be a four-quarter game. We’re not ever going to be sitting around at halftime eating hot dogs. That’s the league we’re in.”
- I THINK I’m on to something here...
- I THINK Coach Heupel abandoning the sideline at halftime in favor of a “better view of the field” upstairs in the press box reminded me of this:
I KNOW the Heupel version probably went a little something like this: “Man, you can see everything up here; things you could never see on the sideline. Like, look at all that grass! And helmets. Look, those guys are wearing helmets! Oh, and interceptions! So many interceptions. You can’t see any of this down there!”
- I THINK I will have very little in the way of actual football talk until I am given a good reason to, ya know, talk football. I KNOW that’s not asking for much. One measly reason. Just one.
- I THINK the RMN community is pretty awesome compared to others. I KNOW I should contribute more often.
- I THINK it’s entirely too early for me to entertain realistic replacements to Barry ***m. However, I KNOW it’s not too early to entertain fictional replacements. So, who ya got?
Coach Tony D’Amato (Any Given Sunday)?
Coach Klein (The Waterboy)?
My Pick: Coach Kevin O’Shea (Little Giants)
What do YOU think you know?
What I Hope to Learn from Mizzou v Auburn
- That someone, anyone on Missouri’s sideline cares about football
- That last week was the low point
- Maybe a new hobby
- The fate of our inflatable friend, Waltz
- How Mizzou fans really feel about Coach ***m
What do YOU hope to learn?
- Every Missouri beat writer will predict the “Tigers” to win… and I will groan
- Which reminds me; the Tigers will score a lot of points ::groans::
- Tucker McCann (my boy) will steal some “MVP” chants away from Corey Fatony
- Fatony will receive a taunting penalty
- Terrence Phillips delivers the halftime speech
- Bill Connelly delivers the post-game eulogy
- There will be a moment in the first half when we think to ourselves, “hey, Mizzou might be in this...” then seconds later Auburn returns a kick return for a touchdown and we delete our previous Tweet
- Mizzou scores more points in the 4th quarter than in any other quarter
- Drew Lock does not play in the 4th quarter
- Auburn wins 44-11
- Eric Beisel records a sack… or, is caught on camera between downs removing three-thirds of a meatball sub from his pants, takes a bite, smiles, stuffs the sub back into his pants, and begins chanting “Mar-i-nara! Mar-i-nara! Mar-i-nara!”… because, ya know, gladiators
What are YOUR game predictions?
If you are the demented type who got a kick out of last week’s game and are in dire need of more of the same; here are a few movie recommendations to tide you over until this Saturday.
Good Will Punting – Will Punting (Corey Fatony), a janitor at MU, has a gift for kicking, but needs help from his coach to find success.
Tigers Just Punt to Have Fun – Corey is new in town, and soon meets Barry, who shares his passion for punting. When a football competition is announced against Purdue, Corey and Barry are determined to punt. The only problem: Corey’s family doesn’t approve of that kind of thing.
The Punt for Red October – Sean Connery. Corey Fatony. Submarines. Punting. ???
shIT – A group of bullied kids band together when a shape-shifting demon, taking the appearance of a coach, begins punting children.